1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,333 2 00:00:01,375 --> 00:00:11,375 [music] 3 00:00:13,500 --> 00:00:17,208 Chapter 10 in the book is the one that has gotten me, 4 00:00:17,292 --> 00:00:19,000 and us, in all the trouble. 5 00:00:19,042 --> 00:00:21,208 I was at a soccer match not long ago. 6 00:00:21,292 --> 00:00:24,000 I don't usually watch soccer, but they gave me free tickets, 7 00:00:24,042 --> 00:00:25,625 so I took my family. 8 00:00:25,667 --> 00:00:27,792 It was actually super, super, super fun, really, really, 9 00:00:27,833 --> 00:00:29,417 really cool to go. 10 00:00:29,500 --> 00:00:31,417 And they had something called a free kick. 11 00:00:31,500 --> 00:00:33,625 Have you seen a free kick in soccer? 12 00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:36,875 It's where one guy is trying to kick the ball into the net, 13 00:00:36,958 --> 00:00:39,500 and the other guys stand in front of him, 14 00:00:39,583 --> 00:00:41,625 and their goal is to block the ball, 15 00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:44,208 but they know it's coming, and it will hurt. 16 00:00:44,292 --> 00:00:47,333 So, the men tend to stand like this. 17 00:00:47,375 --> 00:00:52,375 I should probably preach this sermon from that position. 18 00:00:52,458 --> 00:00:55,625 This is the one that gets me into all the trouble. 19 00:00:55,667 --> 00:00:58,375 It's the "can we" question. 20 00:00:58,458 --> 00:01:04,083 I'll say that--oh, boy-- pray for me 21 00:01:04,167 --> 00:01:05,833 as I teach this session. 22 00:01:05,875 --> 00:01:10,125 If I do this wrong, I have to fire myself. 23 00:01:10,167 --> 00:01:12,417 Here's the big idea. 24 00:01:12,500 --> 00:01:17,000 The Bible is perfect, God-inspired, and true. 25 00:01:17,083 --> 00:01:20,000 It answers lots of questions. 26 00:01:20,042 --> 00:01:22,875 It doesn't answer every question. 27 00:01:22,958 --> 00:01:25,833 And the question then is, "Well, if we have a question, 28 00:01:25,875 --> 00:01:28,333 "particularly about our marital intimacy, 29 00:01:28,375 --> 00:01:32,667 and it's not in the Bible, where do we go for an answer?" 30 00:01:32,750 --> 00:01:36,667 And that's where we're trying to help on this issue of 31 00:01:36,750 --> 00:01:40,208 "Can we blank?", that married couples have questions, 32 00:01:40,292 --> 00:01:42,708 and sometimes the Bible does answer them. 33 00:01:42,792 --> 00:01:45,500 Sometimes the Bible may answer them in principle. 34 00:01:45,542 --> 00:01:48,833 Sometimes the Bible might not answer them in such 35 00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:53,917 a specific way, so as to give you clarity. 36 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:57,208 I've taught this content in multiple nations. 37 00:01:57,292 --> 00:01:59,917 I've taught it all around the United States of America. 38 00:02:00,042 --> 00:02:02,500 I have used some of it in co-hosting "Loveline" 39 00:02:02,542 --> 00:02:04,000 with Dr. Drew. 40 00:02:04,083 --> 00:02:06,667 We've done a ton of media interviews. 41 00:02:06,750 --> 00:02:10,625 The issues that we are hitting are not issues that are 42 00:02:10,667 --> 00:02:15,000 uncommon; they're just uncommon in church. 43 00:02:15,083 --> 00:02:19,917 The magazines in the grocery store line facing children, 44 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:22,000 written for women, 45 00:02:22,083 --> 00:02:24,667 tend to answer many of the same questions, 46 00:02:24,750 --> 00:02:27,000 and we're just trying to help people 47 00:02:27,083 --> 00:02:28,500 with the Word of God 48 00:02:28,583 --> 00:02:32,000 and give them options to pornography, and culture, 49 00:02:32,083 --> 00:02:34,833 and base men's and women's magazines. 50 00:02:34,875 --> 00:02:37,083 You say, "Why is he making such a preface? 51 00:02:37,167 --> 00:02:39,000 It seems like he's afraid." 52 00:02:39,042 --> 00:02:40,417 Yes, he is. 53 00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:42,500 Okay, so-- 54 00:02:42,583 --> 00:02:45,500 Here are some of the motives for the writing of this chapter 55 00:02:45,542 --> 00:02:49,333 and the preaching of this PG-version of the chapter. 56 00:02:49,375 --> 00:02:52,000 Number one, sex is a unique aspect 57 00:02:52,042 --> 00:02:54,417 of the marriage relationship. 58 00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:57,875 It's not part of any other relationship, 59 00:02:57,958 --> 00:03:01,583 so it's a distinguishing feature of marriage, so it's important. 60 00:03:01,667 --> 00:03:03,125 As I said, number two, 61 00:03:03,167 --> 00:03:05,000 the Bible answers many questions, 62 00:03:05,083 --> 00:03:06,875 but not every question we have. 63 00:03:06,958 --> 00:03:08,833 Number three, we want couples to think, talk, 64 00:03:08,875 --> 00:03:13,333 and pray about their intimacy in their marriage. 65 00:03:13,375 --> 00:03:16,208 We want you to talk about some things. 66 00:03:16,292 --> 00:03:18,708 And the truth is a lot of couples, they're thinking, 67 00:03:18,792 --> 00:03:21,292 "Well, I'd like to try this or talk about that, 68 00:03:21,333 --> 00:03:22,792 "but I feel a little awkward, 69 00:03:22,833 --> 00:03:24,500 "and maybe you should bring it up, 70 00:03:24,583 --> 00:03:26,208 "or maybe I should bring it up. 71 00:03:26,292 --> 00:03:28,208 "No, the Driscolls brought it up for us. 72 00:03:28,292 --> 00:03:29,625 "They've removed the awkwardness, 73 00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:31,125 "and now we can just talk. 74 00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:32,625 "Hey, I was reading the book. 75 00:03:32,667 --> 00:03:34,125 "Did you notice on page blankety-blank, 76 00:03:34,167 --> 00:03:35,625 "have you ever thought of that? 77 00:03:35,667 --> 00:03:37,583 Maybe we should talk about that." 78 00:03:37,667 --> 00:03:41,833 In addition, number four, we want to help people know, 79 00:03:41,875 --> 00:03:46,333 in marriage, what they may do, not what they must do. 80 00:03:46,375 --> 00:03:47,875 There's a big difference. 81 00:03:47,958 --> 00:03:50,417 We're saying, "Here's all your freedom--and you don't need 82 00:03:50,500 --> 00:03:53,833 "to use it all--but here's all your freedom. 83 00:03:53,875 --> 00:03:57,208 "Feel free to, according to conscience and conviction, 84 00:03:57,292 --> 00:03:59,000 "the two of you in agreement, prayerfully, 85 00:03:59,083 --> 00:04:01,917 "carefully considering, 'We'll do this, not that, 86 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:05,625 because we're okay with this, not that.'" 87 00:04:05,667 --> 00:04:09,083 Additionally, number five, we believe public and private 88 00:04:09,167 --> 00:04:11,417 ministry should be the same. 89 00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:15,500 The questions that we answer are questions that people ask 90 00:04:15,583 --> 00:04:19,500 their counselor, they ask their pastor in private, 91 00:04:19,583 --> 00:04:22,417 we want to take those issues public, 92 00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:26,208 so that more people can get answers and help. 93 00:04:26,292 --> 00:04:28,167 And so we do not distinguish between public 94 00:04:28,250 --> 00:04:29,833 and private ministries. 95 00:04:29,875 --> 00:04:33,625 Number six, these questions that we'll answer are 96 00:04:33,667 --> 00:04:36,000 a starting point, not an ending point. 97 00:04:36,083 --> 00:04:38,375 We're not saying everything the Bible says. 98 00:04:38,458 --> 00:04:40,833 We're saying, "Here are some beginning places for 99 00:04:40,875 --> 00:04:43,208 the two of you to study and discuss." 100 00:04:43,292 --> 00:04:45,500 Number seven, we don't think anything should happen in 101 00:04:45,583 --> 00:04:49,167 a marriage bedroom unless God, the government, the husband, 102 00:04:49,250 --> 00:04:51,500 and the wife all agree. 103 00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:54,417 Number eight, we believe the what and the why 104 00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:56,000 are important. 105 00:04:56,042 --> 00:04:59,792 It's not just what you want to do, but why you want to do it. 106 00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:02,417 Motivation is very important. 107 00:05:02,500 --> 00:05:05,833 And number nine, we believe that parents need to be more precise 108 00:05:05,875 --> 00:05:08,917 in speaking about sexual matters with their children. 109 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:14,417 The average first porn exposure is 11 via the Internet. 110 00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:16,833 The number one consumer of pornography is 111 00:05:16,875 --> 00:05:19,000 12- to 17-year-old boys, 112 00:05:19,042 --> 00:05:22,500 and the average person loses their virginity by age 16. 113 00:05:22,583 --> 00:05:25,917 It is not uncommon for junior high and high school students 114 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:29,000 to be sexting and sharing explicit photos 115 00:05:29,083 --> 00:05:32,667 of their boyfriends and girlfriends with one another, 116 00:05:32,750 --> 00:05:36,417 and many students in junior high and high school 117 00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:39,417 do not consider anything to be sex, 118 00:05:39,500 --> 00:05:41,208 other than one act, 119 00:05:41,292 --> 00:05:43,833 and they will do all kinds of other things, 120 00:05:43,875 --> 00:05:46,000 while still wearing the purity ring that their father 121 00:05:46,083 --> 00:05:49,708 gave them, not knowing that they are, in fact, sinning. 122 00:05:49,792 --> 00:05:54,167 So, we have to be specific in instructing our children early. 123 00:05:54,250 --> 00:05:56,792 Okay, there's the preface. 124 00:05:56,833 --> 00:05:58,625 Here's the issue. 125 00:05:58,667 --> 00:06:01,875 The sexual questions that people have, including you, 126 00:06:01,958 --> 00:06:06,125 are, generally speaking, not entirely new. 127 00:06:06,167 --> 00:06:09,125 Technology, the Internet, and some things have created 128 00:06:09,167 --> 00:06:13,375 new questions, but many of the questions are very old. 129 00:06:13,458 --> 00:06:16,125 So, there was a city in the Bible called Corinth. 130 00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:18,417 Paul wrote multiple letters there. 131 00:06:18,500 --> 00:06:20,333 We have 1 and 2 Corinthians. 132 00:06:20,375 --> 00:06:22,167 He wrote at least one additional letter. 133 00:06:22,250 --> 00:06:23,625 We don't have it. 134 00:06:23,667 --> 00:06:25,000 He was so angry. 135 00:06:25,083 --> 00:06:27,500 He was not under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, 136 00:06:27,583 --> 00:06:30,500 and so the Holy Spirit lost that one for us. 137 00:06:30,583 --> 00:06:33,792 Yes, Pastor Paul got a little frustrated. 138 00:06:33,833 --> 00:06:36,417 And they had a list of questions for him. 139 00:06:36,500 --> 00:06:38,708 They were in a highly sexual city. 140 00:06:38,792 --> 00:06:41,208 They had questions about cross-dressing. 141 00:06:41,292 --> 00:06:43,833 Can men dress like women and women dress like men? 142 00:06:43,875 --> 00:06:46,417 They had questions about homosexuality, fornication, 143 00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:48,333 which is sex before marriage. 144 00:06:48,375 --> 00:06:50,375 They had questions about adultery and incest, 145 00:06:50,458 --> 00:06:54,000 and one guy was living with his apparent stepmother, 146 00:06:54,083 --> 00:06:56,333 and they didn't think it was a problem, 147 00:06:56,375 --> 00:06:58,667 because they were open to tolerance, diversity, 148 00:06:58,750 --> 00:07:01,500 and all had rainbow bumper stickers on the back 149 00:07:01,542 --> 00:07:03,292 of their camels and chariots. 150 00:07:03,333 --> 00:07:06,208 So, Corinth was a very modern city. 151 00:07:06,292 --> 00:07:10,500 They also had a temple to pagan religion that employed upwards 152 00:07:10,583 --> 00:07:13,125 of 1,000 male and female prostitutes, 153 00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:16,208 and so they basically turned a strip club into, 154 00:07:16,292 --> 00:07:18,583 quote/unquote, "a church." 155 00:07:18,667 --> 00:07:22,292 I mean, this is a very confused city filled with new Christians. 156 00:07:22,333 --> 00:07:27,333 And in that day, if someone was a woman and very morally loose, 157 00:07:27,375 --> 00:07:29,583 they would actually call her, the slang was, 158 00:07:29,667 --> 00:07:31,667 "a Corinthian girl." 159 00:07:31,750 --> 00:07:34,417 I'm not saying that's good, but I'm saying that that was 160 00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:36,708 the case in their day. 161 00:07:36,792 --> 00:07:40,708 And Paul led a church there, and he had left for a season, 162 00:07:40,792 --> 00:07:42,667 and they asked him a bunch of questions, 163 00:07:42,750 --> 00:07:45,625 many of them in regards to sex and gender. 164 00:07:45,667 --> 00:07:49,000 And he writes them a response, 1 Corinthians, 165 00:07:49,083 --> 00:07:51,708 and in particular in a section about all of their 166 00:07:51,792 --> 00:07:53,833 sexual questions, 167 00:07:53,875 --> 00:07:57,500 he writes this, 1 Corinthians 6:12: 168 00:07:57,542 --> 00:08:03,917 "'All things are lawful for me,' but not all things are helpful. 169 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:08,792 "'All things are lawful for me,' but I will not be dominated--" 170 00:08:08,833 --> 00:08:12,917 some of your translations will say, "mastered," "by anything." 171 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:17,625 And so I'm not saying that this is all the Bible has to say, 172 00:08:17,667 --> 00:08:21,500 but I am saying that out of this we can get three good questions 173 00:08:21,583 --> 00:08:24,667 to get us thinking, praying, studying, 174 00:08:24,750 --> 00:08:28,500 and discussing with our spouse about the particular questions 175 00:08:28,583 --> 00:08:33,667 that we have regarding what we can do. 176 00:08:33,750 --> 00:08:37,167 So, the first question is, "Is it lawful?" 177 00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:39,208 And here we're looking at, number one, 178 00:08:39,292 --> 00:08:41,917 what does the government say? 179 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:46,417 If it's illegal, we are to, Romans 13, obey the government. 180 00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:52,083 So, if you're 35, and you want to date somebody who's 15, 181 00:08:52,167 --> 00:08:54,000 it's illegal. 182 00:08:54,083 --> 00:08:55,417 Right? 183 00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:56,833 It's illegal. 184 00:08:56,875 --> 00:09:00,292 So, we ask questions like that, because some things are illegal. 185 00:09:00,333 --> 00:09:03,625 So, we ask questions regarding, "What does the government say?" 186 00:09:03,667 --> 00:09:06,708 But in addition, what does God say? 187 00:09:06,792 --> 00:09:09,917 Because there are some things that are not illegal, 188 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:12,000 but they are sinful. 189 00:09:12,083 --> 00:09:15,083 The government does not see them as wrong, 190 00:09:15,167 --> 00:09:18,208 but God does, like adultery. Like if your spouse 191 00:09:18,292 --> 00:09:22,333 tragically commits adultery on you, you can't call 911. 192 00:09:22,375 --> 00:09:24,333 "Hello, what is your emergency?" 193 00:09:24,375 --> 00:09:26,792 "My spouse committed adultery." 194 00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:29,667 They will say, "We do not send the police out for that. 195 00:09:29,750 --> 00:09:31,083 "It's not a crime. 196 00:09:31,167 --> 00:09:33,417 "You can't fill out a form or press charges. 197 00:09:33,500 --> 00:09:35,917 It's not illegal." 198 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:39,208 It's not illegal, but it's sinful. 199 00:09:39,292 --> 00:09:42,292 The government doesn't see it, necessarily, as wrongdoing, 200 00:09:42,333 --> 00:09:44,083 but God does. 201 00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:46,125 So, we have to ask the two questions, 202 00:09:46,167 --> 00:09:47,625 "Well, what does the government say? 203 00:09:47,667 --> 00:09:49,000 "And what does God say? 204 00:09:49,083 --> 00:09:51,292 Is it, in fact, lawful?" 205 00:09:51,333 --> 00:09:54,000 Now, here are the things that the Bible says, 206 00:09:54,083 --> 00:09:57,625 the Word of God says, the God of the Word says are sinful. 207 00:09:57,667 --> 00:10:01,167 Sexual sin includes homosexuality, erotica, 208 00:10:01,250 --> 00:10:03,833 bestiality, bisexuality, fornication, 209 00:10:03,875 --> 00:10:08,125 friends with benefits, adultery, swinging, prostitution, incest, 210 00:10:08,167 --> 00:10:11,500 rape, polygamy, polyandry (which is one woman with multiple 211 00:10:11,583 --> 00:10:16,667 husbands, I think), sinful lust, pornography, pedophilia, 212 00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:20,792 sexually touching someone else in any way with or without 213 00:10:20,833 --> 00:10:22,708 clothes on that you're not married to, 214 00:10:22,792 --> 00:10:25,167 and sexually viewing or talking to someone else, 215 00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:28,417 that is other than your spouse, including via technology. 216 00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:31,625 And I know one of you is like, "I've got one you missed." 217 00:10:31,667 --> 00:10:33,000 That is nasty. 218 00:10:33,083 --> 00:10:35,000 That counts, too. 219 00:10:35,042 --> 00:10:37,375 Okay? 220 00:10:37,458 --> 00:10:40,500 And the Bible uses a big word called "pornea," 221 00:10:40,583 --> 00:10:43,208 and Jesus uses that word, and it's translated 222 00:10:43,292 --> 00:10:46,208 "sexual immorality," and it's a big category 223 00:10:46,292 --> 00:10:48,583 for all kinds of sexual sin, 224 00:10:48,667 --> 00:10:51,375 because if God only lists things, 225 00:10:51,458 --> 00:10:54,583 sinners will find a way around them, 226 00:10:54,667 --> 00:10:59,000 because of their sinful heart, and so God says "et cetera," 227 00:10:59,083 --> 00:11:03,125 and that Greek word "pornea" is the root word from which we get 228 00:11:03,167 --> 00:11:07,083 our word, of course, pornographic or pornography. 229 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:10,167 So, if you want to do any of these things, you say, 230 00:11:10,250 --> 00:11:12,417 "Can we blank?" or "Can I blank?" 231 00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:15,208 The answer is no, you can't. 232 00:11:15,292 --> 00:11:18,833 You can't and be faithful to God. 233 00:11:18,875 --> 00:11:21,500 You can't worship God and do those things, 234 00:11:21,583 --> 00:11:25,417 because in doing those things, you're worshiping sex as god, 235 00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:28,708 and you're sinning against the real God. 236 00:11:28,792 --> 00:11:32,125 So, basically, what we're talking about is marital 237 00:11:32,167 --> 00:11:38,167 intimacy is for a husband and a wife in the covenant of marriage 238 00:11:38,250 --> 00:11:42,292 without anyone else involved in any way-- 239 00:11:42,333 --> 00:11:45,125 just a husband and a wife. 240 00:11:45,167 --> 00:11:46,708 Okay? 241 00:11:46,792 --> 00:11:50,000 That's the limitations, restrictions, 242 00:11:50,083 --> 00:11:54,500 and protections that God puts on this gift of sex, 243 00:11:54,583 --> 00:11:58,000 so that it doesn't become god-like, 244 00:11:58,083 --> 00:12:01,500 and we don't view it as gross, but we receive it as a gift 245 00:12:01,542 --> 00:12:06,125 to be enjoyed and stewarded to God's glory and our pleasure. 246 00:12:06,167 --> 00:12:09,125 Second question, is it helpful? 247 00:12:09,167 --> 00:12:11,208 That's Paul's questions. 248 00:12:11,292 --> 00:12:12,875 Is it helpful? 249 00:12:12,958 --> 00:12:14,875 So, let's say you answer the first question. 250 00:12:14,958 --> 00:12:16,375 You say, "Well, it's not illegal, 251 00:12:16,458 --> 00:12:18,000 "and the Bible doesn't forbid it. 252 00:12:18,083 --> 00:12:19,500 Can we do it?" 253 00:12:19,583 --> 00:12:23,292 Next question, "Is it going to help or harm the marriage?" 254 00:12:23,333 --> 00:12:26,208 There are things that may not be sinful, 255 00:12:26,292 --> 00:12:30,000 but for your marriage may not be helpful. 256 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:33,208 Do you see the difference? 257 00:12:33,292 --> 00:12:36,917 So, back to why God created sex. 258 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,375 There are six reasons, according to the Bible. 259 00:12:39,458 --> 00:12:40,792 Pleasure. 260 00:12:40,833 --> 00:12:43,000 In the Song of Solomon, children are not mentioned, 261 00:12:43,042 --> 00:12:44,375 though they are a blessing. 262 00:12:44,458 --> 00:12:46,375 It's all about the pleasures of marital intimacy. 263 00:12:46,458 --> 00:12:51,958 If one of you has pain, discomfort, is harmed, or hurt, 264 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:55,542 or abused in any way, the answer is no. 265 00:12:55,625 --> 00:12:57,333 It's also for children. 266 00:12:57,417 --> 00:13:00,250 The Bible says be fruitful, increase in number, 267 00:13:00,333 --> 00:13:01,958 fill the earth, and subdue it. 268 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,667 Children are a blessing. 269 00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:05,542 Not every time a couple is together 270 00:13:05,625 --> 00:13:10,000 need there be the possibility of child conception 271 00:13:10,042 --> 00:13:14,000 and bearing, but, yes, it is perfectly acceptable to say, 272 00:13:14,042 --> 00:13:15,458 "We want to start a family, 273 00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:18,167 "and one of the reasons we want to be intimate is 274 00:13:18,250 --> 00:13:19,667 we would love to be parents." 275 00:13:19,750 --> 00:13:22,375 That's perfectly acceptable in the sight of God, and that can, 276 00:13:22,458 --> 00:13:23,875 in fact, be helpful. 277 00:13:23,958 --> 00:13:25,875 It's also for knowledge. 278 00:13:25,958 --> 00:13:28,500 Genesis 4:1 says that Adam lay with his wife, Eve, 279 00:13:28,542 --> 00:13:30,667 and he knew her. 280 00:13:30,750 --> 00:13:33,750 If this allows you to know one another at a deeper level 281 00:13:33,833 --> 00:13:38,500 of intimacy, to treasure, to enjoy, to explore one another, 282 00:13:38,542 --> 00:13:42,083 and your consciences are both clear, it's not a sin against God, 283 00:13:42,167 --> 00:13:44,667 and it's not a violation of government, 284 00:13:44,750 --> 00:13:48,083 then perhaps it could be something that would be helpful. 285 00:13:48,167 --> 00:13:51,083 But if what it does is it pushes you apart, 286 00:13:51,167 --> 00:13:54,583 if it makes one of you feel taken advantage of, 287 00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:58,500 or abused, or mistreated, or neglected, or used, 288 00:13:58,542 --> 00:14:01,750 then that is not building knowledge between 289 00:14:01,833 --> 00:14:03,333 the two of you. 290 00:14:03,417 --> 00:14:05,042 It's not drawing the other person out 291 00:14:05,125 --> 00:14:06,958 and getting to know them. 292 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,333 It is using and abusing them. 293 00:14:09,417 --> 00:14:11,083 Number four, it's for protection. 294 00:14:11,167 --> 00:14:14,333 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 says that a husband and wife 295 00:14:14,417 --> 00:14:17,292 are obligated to fulfill their conjugal rights, 296 00:14:17,333 --> 00:14:19,375 and they should not deprive one another, 297 00:14:19,458 --> 00:14:22,167 but by mutual consent and for a time to devote themselves 298 00:14:22,250 --> 00:14:25,375 to prayer, so that they may not fall into temptation because of 299 00:14:25,458 --> 00:14:27,500 their lack of self-control. 300 00:14:27,542 --> 00:14:30,167 Sometimes the husband is in the mood, and the wife isn't, 301 00:14:30,250 --> 00:14:31,833 and so they will be together. 302 00:14:31,917 --> 00:14:34,333 Later on, she'll be in the mood, and he won't. 303 00:14:34,417 --> 00:14:35,750 So, they will be together. 304 00:14:35,833 --> 00:14:37,958 And it is a couple lovingly serving one another 305 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,000 without keeping a record, saying, "Well, you know, 306 00:14:40,042 --> 00:14:43,167 "there's no excuse for sexual sin outside of the marriage, 307 00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:45,958 "but if I serve you, and you serve me, 308 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:49,083 that is a safeguard and protection against temptation." 309 00:14:49,167 --> 00:14:50,958 Right? 310 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,083 And that is a perfectly acceptable reason. 311 00:14:53,167 --> 00:14:55,542 So, that could be helpful. 312 00:14:55,625 --> 00:14:58,083 Number five, it is for comfort. 313 00:14:58,167 --> 00:15:00,333 The story is told in 2 Samuel 12:24, 314 00:15:00,375 --> 00:15:01,875 where a child dies, 315 00:15:01,958 --> 00:15:04,583 and a couple is intimate, to comfort one another, because, 316 00:15:04,667 --> 00:15:07,958 as I've said frequently, you sometimes can't fix it, 317 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,167 and you don't want to talk about it. 318 00:15:10,250 --> 00:15:13,875 You just don't want to be alone in it, and so you're together. 319 00:15:13,958 --> 00:15:17,792 That could be a perfectly helpful reason for a couple 320 00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:19,667 to be together. 321 00:15:19,708 --> 00:15:23,583 And number six, it's for oneness, Genesis 2:24, 322 00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:27,042 that the two shall become one flesh. 323 00:15:27,125 --> 00:15:31,083 So, the question is does it pull you together or push you apart? 324 00:15:31,167 --> 00:15:33,083 Do you both have a clear conscience, 325 00:15:33,167 --> 00:15:36,500 or does one of you want to do something that the other is not 326 00:15:36,542 --> 00:15:39,083 okay with in your conscience? 327 00:15:39,167 --> 00:15:42,042 Do you both feel like this is something that, together, 328 00:15:42,125 --> 00:15:45,167 you want to do, or do you feel like you're getting bullied 329 00:15:45,250 --> 00:15:48,167 or pushed, that you're getting abused or harassed, 330 00:15:48,250 --> 00:15:52,167 or maybe even you're getting assaulted and imposed upon? 331 00:15:52,250 --> 00:15:55,500 Does it cause you to be two or one? 332 00:15:55,542 --> 00:16:01,667 Does it cause your spouse to feel closer to you or to feel 333 00:16:01,750 --> 00:16:07,292 more dangerous with you, to feel put upon, taken advantage of, 334 00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:10,958 neglected, used and abused? 335 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,167 And I don't know what the particular issues are 336 00:16:13,208 --> 00:16:14,833 in your marriage. 337 00:16:14,917 --> 00:16:17,000 And for those of you who are single, 338 00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:19,042 you don't even know this kind of sex, 339 00:16:19,125 --> 00:16:21,542 if you've been fornicating prior to marriage 340 00:16:21,625 --> 00:16:23,792 and/or into pornography. 341 00:16:23,833 --> 00:16:26,667 You don't understand the biblical reasons for sex. 342 00:16:26,708 --> 00:16:29,375 So, you need to have a renewing of your mind, 343 00:16:29,458 --> 00:16:33,750 so that as you prepare for a sexual married relationship, 344 00:16:33,833 --> 00:16:36,500 you're able to start to think biblically 345 00:16:36,542 --> 00:16:39,250 before you act practically. 346 00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:41,333 First of all, is it lawful? 347 00:16:41,417 --> 00:16:43,167 What does government and God say? 348 00:16:43,250 --> 00:16:45,292 Secondly, is it helpful? 349 00:16:45,333 --> 00:16:48,083 Will this build our marriage or break our marriage? 350 00:16:48,167 --> 00:16:51,292 Will this make us closer or further apart? 351 00:16:51,333 --> 00:16:54,083 Do we both have a clear conscience or not? 352 00:16:54,167 --> 00:16:55,875 What is the heart motive? 353 00:16:55,958 --> 00:16:59,458 Why would we want to do this or not do this? 354 00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:01,167 Those kinds of questions. 355 00:17:01,250 --> 00:17:03,792 And so what I'm asking the couples that are married 356 00:17:03,833 --> 00:17:07,083 and those who are engaged and preparing for marriage to do is 357 00:17:07,167 --> 00:17:11,542 get face-to-face, as friends, and you've got to talk about it. 358 00:17:11,625 --> 00:17:14,500 And some of you say, "I feel very awkward talking about it." 359 00:17:14,542 --> 00:17:17,083 Well, you're going to be equally awkward doing it, 360 00:17:17,167 --> 00:17:20,375 so you may as well talk about it first. 361 00:17:20,458 --> 00:17:23,250 And I know a lot of Christian married couples, 362 00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:26,167 sometimes because one or both of them has had the view 363 00:17:26,250 --> 00:17:29,042 of sex as gross, they don't talk about it. 364 00:17:29,125 --> 00:17:32,333 I've been in counseling sessions with embittered, frustrated, 365 00:17:32,417 --> 00:17:34,750 divided couples, and I'll just ask, 366 00:17:34,833 --> 00:17:36,500 "Well, what would you like to do?" 367 00:17:36,542 --> 00:17:39,000 And one person will say, "I'd like to do this." 368 00:17:39,042 --> 00:17:41,167 And the other person said, "I'm fine with that." 369 00:17:41,250 --> 00:17:42,583 "Really, you are?" "Yeah." 370 00:17:42,667 --> 00:17:44,083 "Why are you meeting with me? 371 00:17:44,167 --> 00:17:47,083 "Like, I mean, I love you, and I'm glad to be here, 372 00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:49,792 "but you want to do it, they are fine doing it. 373 00:17:49,833 --> 00:17:53,667 You could've settled this at your home on the couch." 374 00:17:53,750 --> 00:17:56,958 I'll just leave it at that. 375 00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:01,833 I meant talking about it... and some other stuff. 376 00:18:01,917 --> 00:18:07,333 All right, third question, third question, "Is it enslaving?" 377 00:18:07,417 --> 00:18:10,542 Now, this is going to be a weird question. 378 00:18:10,625 --> 00:18:12,375 Some of your translations will say, 379 00:18:12,458 --> 00:18:14,792 "mastered by it" or "dominated by it." 380 00:18:14,833 --> 00:18:16,792 This is the biblical language for slavery, 381 00:18:16,833 --> 00:18:20,542 and when we think of slavery, because of the horror of slavery 382 00:18:20,625 --> 00:18:25,333 in the US, we tend to think of one person overtaking 383 00:18:25,417 --> 00:18:30,833 and abusing another person, treating them as property, 384 00:18:30,917 --> 00:18:34,167 even though they're image bearers of God. 385 00:18:34,250 --> 00:18:37,292 And there certainly is that kind of slavery, 386 00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:39,583 and that even continues today, tragically, 387 00:18:39,667 --> 00:18:41,667 in the sex slave trade, 388 00:18:41,750 --> 00:18:43,958 and the adult entertainment industry, 389 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:47,500 and pornography, where particularly young women, 390 00:18:47,542 --> 00:18:51,667 oftentimes girls, are made slaves, 391 00:18:51,708 --> 00:18:53,875 and they are bought and sold. 392 00:18:53,958 --> 00:18:56,458 That is assuredly a horrific evil, 393 00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:58,542 and it is one form of slavery. 394 00:18:58,625 --> 00:19:01,167 Another form of slavery, according to the Bible, 395 00:19:01,250 --> 00:19:06,833 is pernicious, and it is frequent, and it is more subtle, 396 00:19:06,917 --> 00:19:11,375 and as a result is sometimes less seen, 397 00:19:11,458 --> 00:19:16,250 and that is that we choose our slave master. 398 00:19:16,333 --> 00:19:21,792 We will choose to enslave ourself to someone or something. 399 00:19:21,833 --> 00:19:27,500 In our culture, we use the language of addiction. 400 00:19:27,542 --> 00:19:33,000 So, to be addicted, according to the Bible, is to be enslaved. 401 00:19:33,042 --> 00:19:37,083 That's the biblical language for addiction. 402 00:19:37,167 --> 00:19:40,292 See, addiction is more a therapeutic term that, 403 00:19:40,333 --> 00:19:45,000 "I'm a victim, I'm weak, something has overtaken me." 404 00:19:45,042 --> 00:19:50,375 Slavery puts it in a gospel context of, "I belong to God, 405 00:19:50,458 --> 00:19:53,458 but Satan has baited my hook," 406 00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:56,167 if I could use a Puritan illustration. 407 00:19:56,250 --> 00:19:59,667 "I saw the bait. I ignored the hook. 408 00:19:59,750 --> 00:20:05,667 "I bit, and now he is reeling me in to be his possession, 409 00:20:05,750 --> 00:20:08,167 "to harm me and destroy me. 410 00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:13,958 He now controls me and is my master." 411 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:19,500 And what we need then is not just to overcome an addiction, 412 00:20:19,542 --> 00:20:22,792 but we need Jesus to be our Savior, our liberator, 413 00:20:22,833 --> 00:20:26,458 our redeemer, to get the hook out of our mouth, 414 00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:29,000 and to get us away from our enemy, 415 00:20:29,042 --> 00:20:33,375 and away from our slavery, and away from our misery. 416 00:20:33,458 --> 00:20:35,875 We need Jesus. 417 00:20:35,958 --> 00:20:39,000 He came to set captives free. 418 00:20:39,042 --> 00:20:41,583 He reads from the scroll of Isaiah at the beginning 419 00:20:41,667 --> 00:20:44,792 of his earthly ministry, and part of what he says is, 420 00:20:44,833 --> 00:20:46,833 "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me. 421 00:20:46,917 --> 00:20:49,750 "He has anointed me to preach good news 422 00:20:49,833 --> 00:20:53,500 and to set captives free." 423 00:20:53,542 --> 00:20:56,542 To set captives free, and that includes drugs, 424 00:20:56,625 --> 00:21:00,542 and alcohol, and sex, and gambling, and violence, 425 00:21:00,625 --> 00:21:06,292 and all kinds of slavery and captivity. 426 00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:10,583 And so there are certain things that may not be sinful, 427 00:21:10,667 --> 00:21:15,458 but for you they might be slavery. 428 00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:18,375 I'll give some general examples. 429 00:21:18,458 --> 00:21:23,542 Some of you should not drink any alcohol; not because it's a sin, 430 00:21:23,625 --> 00:21:30,167 but because for you it becomes a master, and it enslaves you, 431 00:21:30,250 --> 00:21:32,750 and it rules you, and it dominates you. 432 00:21:32,833 --> 00:21:36,667 You can't control it; it controls you. 433 00:21:36,750 --> 00:21:39,667 And so you may have the freedom to drink, if you're, 434 00:21:39,750 --> 00:21:43,083 according to the government, over the age of 21, 435 00:21:43,167 --> 00:21:46,292 according to the Bible, not getting drunk and tempting 436 00:21:46,333 --> 00:21:50,792 others to do the same and glorying in your liberties. 437 00:21:50,833 --> 00:21:53,542 But for some of you, you will say, "I have freedom, 438 00:21:53,625 --> 00:21:57,167 "but I do not exercise my full freedom, because, for me, 439 00:21:57,250 --> 00:22:01,792 I am weak, not strong, and it would lead to slavery." 440 00:22:01,833 --> 00:22:03,875 Does that make sense? 441 00:22:03,958 --> 00:22:06,042 I came from a long line, for example, 442 00:22:06,125 --> 00:22:11,667 of very severe alcoholism, and, as a result, 443 00:22:11,750 --> 00:22:16,792 men of violent tempers, and bad dispositions, and abuse, 444 00:22:16,833 --> 00:22:19,875 and lots of horrific things. 445 00:22:19,958 --> 00:22:22,500 And so I did not drink. 446 00:22:22,542 --> 00:22:26,375 When I became a Christian, I knew what the Bible said, 447 00:22:26,458 --> 00:22:28,583 and that was that Jesus made alcohol, 448 00:22:28,667 --> 00:22:31,167 and drinking wasn't necessarily a sin; but, for me, 449 00:22:31,250 --> 00:22:33,333 it was a conscience issue. 450 00:22:33,417 --> 00:22:34,750 So, I did not drink. 451 00:22:34,833 --> 00:22:38,750 I never had a drink until I was 30 years old, and I just felt, 452 00:22:38,833 --> 00:22:43,292 "I don't want to be enslaved to something." 453 00:22:43,333 --> 00:22:44,667 And now, occasionally, 454 00:22:44,750 --> 00:22:47,000 I'll have a glass of wine with dinner. 455 00:22:47,042 --> 00:22:49,083 And I don't want to make anyone stumble, 456 00:22:49,167 --> 00:22:51,083 or glory in my liberties, or get drunk, 457 00:22:51,167 --> 00:22:54,375 or anything of that nature, but it was a conscience issue for me 458 00:22:54,458 --> 00:22:58,250 to where, for many years, I didn't use my full freedom 459 00:22:58,333 --> 00:23:01,250 because I was afraid that I would lose my freedom 460 00:23:01,333 --> 00:23:03,667 and find myself enslaved. 461 00:23:03,750 --> 00:23:05,375 Does that make sense? 462 00:23:05,458 --> 00:23:07,792 So, let me take that principal 463 00:23:07,833 --> 00:23:11,375 and come back to the issue of sexuality. 464 00:23:11,458 --> 00:23:15,583 There may be things within marriage that are permissible, 465 00:23:15,667 --> 00:23:19,000 but they're not beneficial, because they would be things 466 00:23:19,042 --> 00:23:20,667 you could not master. 467 00:23:20,750 --> 00:23:24,083 They are things that would master you. 468 00:23:24,167 --> 00:23:27,708 And the reason is this. 469 00:23:27,792 --> 00:23:32,000 Your body, with certain pleasures, 470 00:23:32,083 --> 00:23:36,292 releases what is called a biochemical love potion. 471 00:23:36,333 --> 00:23:39,417 This is sort of the common language for a lot of things 472 00:23:39,500 --> 00:23:44,500 that happen biologically and neurologically in your body, 473 00:23:44,583 --> 00:23:50,667 and the reward biologically, and chemically, and neurologically, 474 00:23:50,750 --> 00:23:57,417 produces the same kind of euphoria as opium or heroin. 475 00:23:57,500 --> 00:24:01,292 You ever seen somebody addicted to opium or heroin? 476 00:24:01,333 --> 00:24:05,583 People who are addicted to sex experience a very similar high 477 00:24:05,667 --> 00:24:08,000 in a very similar part of the brain. 478 00:24:08,083 --> 00:24:11,167 As a result, they can become similarly addicted. 479 00:24:11,250 --> 00:24:15,500 This is particularly true of pornography. 480 00:24:15,542 --> 00:24:21,708 And so God created this great pleasure 481 00:24:21,792 --> 00:24:23,833 to connect us with, 482 00:24:23,875 --> 00:24:29,000 to bind us to, to cause us to be desirous of our spouse, 483 00:24:29,083 --> 00:24:32,625 that it's like gravity pulling a husband and wife together. 484 00:24:32,667 --> 00:24:37,083 So, if you have chastity before marriage, fidelity in marriage, 485 00:24:37,167 --> 00:24:39,917 you have two servant lovers who are friends 486 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,625 and obey the Word of God, 487 00:24:42,667 --> 00:24:46,333 and live within their freedoms, and enjoy one another. 488 00:24:46,375 --> 00:24:51,875 They are absolutely, inexplicably connected 489 00:24:51,958 --> 00:24:53,792 at every level. 490 00:24:53,833 --> 00:24:55,708 Theologically, they worship God. 491 00:24:55,792 --> 00:24:57,625 Emotionally, they love each other. 492 00:24:57,667 --> 00:25:00,542 Financially, they're doing their life together. 493 00:25:00,625 --> 00:25:04,333 Physically, they're spending time in one another's presence. 494 00:25:04,375 --> 00:25:07,625 Verbally, they're talking to one another. 495 00:25:07,667 --> 00:25:10,125 And sexually, they're enjoying one another. 496 00:25:10,167 --> 00:25:14,375 They're connected at all levels in a deep and profound way. 497 00:25:14,458 --> 00:25:20,208 That was God's glorious good intent. 498 00:25:20,292 --> 00:25:25,375 And when we sin, we take that same powerful connection, 499 00:25:25,458 --> 00:25:29,292 and we bind ourselves to someone we're dating, 500 00:25:29,333 --> 00:25:31,667 we bind ourselves to pornography, 501 00:25:31,750 --> 00:25:35,417 we bind ourselves to various kinds of sexual sin, 502 00:25:35,500 --> 00:25:39,500 and it results in slavery and addiction. 503 00:25:39,542 --> 00:25:41,583 So, you're playing with something, sexually speaking, 504 00:25:41,667 --> 00:25:45,417 that is very powerful, for good or evil, 505 00:25:45,500 --> 00:25:50,583 so you need to be a wise steward of this great gift. 506 00:25:50,667 --> 00:25:56,125 It can absolutely connect a couple or take one or both 507 00:25:56,167 --> 00:26:00,500 persons in the marriage covenant and connect them to someone 508 00:26:00,542 --> 00:26:06,583 or something else in a deadly, destructive, and damnable way. 509 00:26:06,667 --> 00:26:10,375 This is why Job 31:1, he says, "I made a covenant with my eyes 510 00:26:10,458 --> 00:26:13,292 not to look upon a woman lustfully." 511 00:26:13,333 --> 00:26:16,500 What he's saying is, "I'm not going to connect myself 512 00:26:16,583 --> 00:26:18,917 with anyone else." 513 00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:21,833 This is why the qualifications of an elder in 1 Timothy 3 514 00:26:21,875 --> 00:26:24,833 and Titus 1, also called a pastor in the New Testament, 515 00:26:24,875 --> 00:26:27,500 the highest spiritual leader is to be, quote, 516 00:26:27,542 --> 00:26:30,375 "the husband of one wife." 517 00:26:30,458 --> 00:26:32,625 In the Greek, literally translated that means 518 00:26:32,667 --> 00:26:35,833 "a one-woman man." 519 00:26:35,875 --> 00:26:38,333 He's thinking about her. 520 00:26:38,375 --> 00:26:39,917 He's talking to her. 521 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:41,417 He's pursuing her. 522 00:26:41,500 --> 00:26:43,000 He's enjoying her. 523 00:26:43,042 --> 00:26:47,167 His desires are for her, and that those spiritual leaders 524 00:26:47,250 --> 00:26:51,000 are to set the example for all of God's people, 525 00:26:51,083 --> 00:26:55,208 that all men are to be one-woman men, 526 00:26:55,292 --> 00:26:59,375 and all the women are to be one-man women. 527 00:26:59,458 --> 00:27:02,000 That's God's intent. 528 00:27:02,042 --> 00:27:05,208 And so you've got to ask this question. 529 00:27:05,292 --> 00:27:09,708 "If we do this--" and let's say it's lawful in the sight of God 530 00:27:09,792 --> 00:27:16,625 and government. Secondarily, let's say that it is potentially 531 00:27:16,667 --> 00:27:20,375 helpful for one of the six reasons that God gave us 532 00:27:20,458 --> 00:27:25,708 the gift of sex. You have to ask that third question. 533 00:27:25,792 --> 00:27:29,583 Basically, are we going to get ourselves in trouble? 534 00:27:29,667 --> 00:27:34,500 Are we going to get addicted to something that will be unholy, 535 00:27:34,583 --> 00:27:39,333 unhelpful, and consequently make us unhappy? 536 00:27:39,375 --> 00:27:44,917 Because what happens is you create something called 537 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:49,583 a neural pathway when you're going for that kind of pleasure. 538 00:27:49,667 --> 00:27:52,500 There's a Christian, I think it's biopsychologist, 539 00:27:52,542 --> 00:27:54,125 named Struthers, 540 00:27:54,167 --> 00:27:57,333 who has done some helpful research in this area. 541 00:27:57,375 --> 00:28:02,000 And he says, "If down a path there is a pleasure, 542 00:28:02,083 --> 00:28:04,083 "then we will find ourselves 543 00:28:04,167 --> 00:28:06,208 "venturing down that path frequently. 544 00:28:06,292 --> 00:28:09,708 "Eventually, we make it into a well-worn rut, 545 00:28:09,792 --> 00:28:14,500 "that pleasure path, until invariably we become consumed 546 00:28:14,583 --> 00:28:17,125 by it, perhaps addicted to it." 547 00:28:17,167 --> 00:28:19,208 Now, in a very good and healthy sense, 548 00:28:19,292 --> 00:28:21,208 that could be your spouse. 549 00:28:21,292 --> 00:28:23,625 You're like, "I need my spouse. I like my spouse. 550 00:28:23,667 --> 00:28:26,125 "I think about my spouse. I'm attracted to my spouse. 551 00:28:26,167 --> 00:28:28,875 I desire my spouse. I want to be near my spouse." 552 00:28:28,958 --> 00:28:30,500 That's not bad. Amen? 553 00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:32,625 That's a good thing. 554 00:28:32,667 --> 00:28:35,500 But if down the pleasure path, someone or something else 555 00:28:35,583 --> 00:28:39,292 is there, then you create a biological, physiological, 556 00:28:39,333 --> 00:28:42,792 neural pathway, and that's your addiction cycle. 557 00:28:42,833 --> 00:28:46,792 That's your enslavement cycle. 558 00:28:46,833 --> 00:28:48,333 So, you've got to understand this. 559 00:28:48,375 --> 00:28:50,625 Now, some of you know what I'm talking about, 560 00:28:50,667 --> 00:28:52,625 because you've slept with a lot of people. 561 00:28:52,667 --> 00:28:54,000 You've looked at pornography. 562 00:28:54,083 --> 00:28:55,792 You've become addicted to certain toys. 563 00:28:55,833 --> 00:28:58,000 Now you're no longer to just enjoy your spouse, 564 00:28:58,042 --> 00:29:01,083 and they're not really the object of your affection 565 00:29:01,167 --> 00:29:04,417 and the place of your strongest desire. 566 00:29:04,500 --> 00:29:06,333 That's what has happened. 567 00:29:06,375 --> 00:29:08,333 So, you need to avoid that old path, 568 00:29:08,375 --> 00:29:10,583 and you need to create a new path. 569 00:29:10,667 --> 00:29:15,000 For those of you who are single, there's no path, all right? 570 00:29:15,042 --> 00:29:17,708 For those of you who are married, it is creating new, 571 00:29:17,792 --> 00:29:21,125 healthy, holy paths of pleasure, so that you can have that 572 00:29:21,167 --> 00:29:26,667 connection solely with your spouse and avoiding old ruts. 573 00:29:26,750 --> 00:29:30,000 And for some of you, you like to do that which is forbidden, 574 00:29:30,083 --> 00:29:33,375 that which is taboo, that which is sinful, or dirty, 575 00:29:33,458 --> 00:29:35,625 or maybe you could even get caught, 576 00:29:35,667 --> 00:29:38,708 because not only do you enjoy the pleasure, 577 00:29:38,792 --> 00:29:44,375 but with that guilt and shame comes an adrenalin rush 578 00:29:44,458 --> 00:29:50,167 that makes you more addicted as your body becomes more 579 00:29:50,250 --> 00:29:56,500 strongly attached to receiving that high. 580 00:29:56,542 --> 00:29:59,500 You ever heard of somebody who has a runner's high? 581 00:29:59,583 --> 00:30:01,125 That's because at a certain point, 582 00:30:01,167 --> 00:30:03,375 their body drops a ton of adrenalin, 583 00:30:03,458 --> 00:30:05,292 and they love that high. 584 00:30:05,333 --> 00:30:07,708 It's why certain people get addicted to things like 585 00:30:07,792 --> 00:30:11,000 skydiving, or motorcycle racing, certain high-risk activities 586 00:30:11,083 --> 00:30:14,333 that I would say to you are not always sinful, 587 00:30:14,375 --> 00:30:18,625 but you can get addicted to the adrenalin rush. 588 00:30:18,667 --> 00:30:21,917 And when you combine that with the pleasure of intimacy, 589 00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:26,333 you add that element of the forbidden 590 00:30:26,375 --> 00:30:28,708 and the adrenalin high. 591 00:30:28,792 --> 00:30:32,833 Now you've got somebody who can become incredibly addicted, 592 00:30:32,875 --> 00:30:35,917 and some of you are in that place, 593 00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:38,625 and some of you are finding it hard to get out. 594 00:30:38,667 --> 00:30:41,583 And my encouragement would be to come clean before you get caught 595 00:30:41,667 --> 00:30:47,625 and to get help, so that you can get out of your slavery. 596 00:30:47,667 --> 00:30:49,833 Patrick Carnes is a researcher 597 00:30:49,875 --> 00:30:51,625 who has done some of the earliest 598 00:30:51,667 --> 00:30:57,125 and most longstanding research on sexual addiction. 599 00:30:57,167 --> 00:30:59,792 Many of the celebrities continue to go to him today. 600 00:30:59,833 --> 00:31:02,333 I do not know whether or not he knows Jesus, 601 00:31:02,375 --> 00:31:08,000 but he has laid out a few steps and warnings, 602 00:31:08,083 --> 00:31:10,500 and I submit them to you for consideration. 603 00:31:10,583 --> 00:31:13,875 Number one, a pattern of out-of-control behavior. 604 00:31:13,958 --> 00:31:17,625 That shows you're enslaved. 605 00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:22,417 Number two, severe consequences because of sexual behavior. 606 00:31:22,500 --> 00:31:25,708 That indicates you're enslaved. 607 00:31:25,792 --> 00:31:28,125 Number three, an inability to stop, 608 00:31:28,167 --> 00:31:30,125 despite negative consequences. 609 00:31:30,167 --> 00:31:34,417 Bad things keep happening, but you keep going. Enslaved. 610 00:31:34,500 --> 00:31:38,292 Number four, severe mood changes around sexual behavior. 611 00:31:38,333 --> 00:31:41,625 If you don't get what you want, you're like an addict 612 00:31:41,667 --> 00:31:44,083 who's jonesing for a fix. 613 00:31:44,167 --> 00:31:49,000 If you do get what you want, you feel high for a while. 614 00:31:49,083 --> 00:31:52,375 It indicates you're enslaved. 615 00:31:52,458 --> 00:31:57,375 Number five, persistent pursuit of high-risk behaviors. 616 00:31:57,458 --> 00:31:59,417 You keep pushing the envelope. 617 00:31:59,500 --> 00:32:01,333 You're never satisfied. 618 00:32:01,417 --> 00:32:08,083 It gets more dangerous, more dark, more deadly. 619 00:32:08,167 --> 00:32:11,833 You're enslaved. 620 00:32:11,875 --> 00:32:15,333 Number six, an ongoing effort to stop or limit behaviors. 621 00:32:15,375 --> 00:32:17,208 "I'm never going to do that again. 622 00:32:17,292 --> 00:32:18,625 "I did it again. 623 00:32:18,667 --> 00:32:20,875 "Okay, I'm not going to do it as often. 624 00:32:20,958 --> 00:32:22,875 I'm going to cut back and control it." 625 00:32:22,958 --> 00:32:24,833 You don't master it. It masters you. 626 00:32:24,875 --> 00:32:27,833 It's indicative that you've enslaved. 627 00:32:27,875 --> 00:32:32,000 Number seven, inordinate amounts of time spent on sexual matters. 628 00:32:32,083 --> 00:32:34,792 All of a sudden, you're thinking about it all the time. 629 00:32:34,833 --> 00:32:36,167 You're on the Internet. 630 00:32:36,250 --> 00:32:38,125 You're spending tons of time e-mailing, texting, 631 00:32:38,167 --> 00:32:40,125 looking at stuff, obsessing. 632 00:32:40,167 --> 00:32:41,625 Now you're spending money. 633 00:32:41,667 --> 00:32:43,083 Now you're acting out. 634 00:32:43,167 --> 00:32:44,500 Now you're escalating. 635 00:32:44,583 --> 00:32:47,125 All of a sudden, it's becoming a very large percentage 636 00:32:47,167 --> 00:32:48,833 of your life. 637 00:32:48,875 --> 00:32:51,292 It's indicative that you're enslaved. 638 00:32:51,333 --> 00:32:53,875 Number eight, increasing amounts of sexual experiences. 639 00:32:53,958 --> 00:32:56,208 "I'm bored with that. I need to do more. 640 00:32:56,292 --> 00:32:58,917 "We need to push it. We need to go further. 641 00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:01,667 That's not enough for me. More, more, more, more." 642 00:33:01,708 --> 00:33:04,208 And we're not talking about someone who is neglected in 643 00:33:04,292 --> 00:33:07,833 their marriage, but someone who is unhealthy and pushing it 644 00:33:07,875 --> 00:33:09,708 beyond what is reasonable. 645 00:33:09,792 --> 00:33:11,500 They are moving into a position 646 00:33:11,583 --> 00:33:17,417 where sex is like god, and ultimately they are a slave. 647 00:33:17,500 --> 00:33:20,500 And number nine, sexual obsession and fantasy 648 00:33:20,583 --> 00:33:22,500 is a primary coping tool. 649 00:33:22,583 --> 00:33:24,125 You become obsessed. 650 00:33:24,167 --> 00:33:26,417 "I have to do this." 651 00:33:26,500 --> 00:33:29,333 And you can't let it go. 652 00:33:29,375 --> 00:33:31,417 And then it leads you into fantasy. 653 00:33:31,500 --> 00:33:33,000 You start thinking about other people 654 00:33:33,042 --> 00:33:34,375 and things and obsessions. 655 00:33:34,458 --> 00:33:36,583 And what's bizarre to me is, in our culture, 656 00:33:36,667 --> 00:33:39,000 people don't even see this always as sinful. 657 00:33:39,042 --> 00:33:41,875 Grace and I did the Dr. Drew show on television 658 00:33:41,958 --> 00:33:45,083 here a while back, and this was one of the things that 659 00:33:45,167 --> 00:33:48,000 we got into a bit of a disagreement about with 660 00:33:48,083 --> 00:33:50,000 the non-Christian sex therapists. 661 00:33:50,083 --> 00:33:53,000 They said, "What's wrong with fantasy? 662 00:33:53,083 --> 00:33:55,917 "Are you saying it's wrong for a married couple to just be 663 00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:57,792 "fantasizing about somebody they're not married to 664 00:33:57,833 --> 00:34:00,333 and all the things they'd like to do with them?" 665 00:34:00,417 --> 00:34:03,375 Yes, because it's lust of the heart, Jesus says. 666 00:34:03,458 --> 00:34:05,417 They said, "Oh, that's ridiculous. 667 00:34:05,500 --> 00:34:06,833 "That's wrong. 668 00:34:06,875 --> 00:34:08,708 That's way too conservative. That's unreasonable." 669 00:34:08,792 --> 00:34:10,500 No, it's not. 670 00:34:10,542 --> 00:34:13,375 If you have desires, they should be for your spouse. 671 00:34:13,458 --> 00:34:16,333 If you have interests, talk about them with your spouse. 672 00:34:16,375 --> 00:34:18,500 There's things you want to do? Lovingly, prayerfully, 673 00:34:18,583 --> 00:34:23,500 biblically discuss those with your spouse. 674 00:34:23,583 --> 00:34:25,292 Don't be thinking about anyone else, 675 00:34:25,333 --> 00:34:27,208 and certainly don't be talking about anyone else, 676 00:34:27,292 --> 00:34:32,000 and certainly don't be doing anything with anyone else. 677 00:34:32,083 --> 00:34:36,417 I hope you're seeing that I want to take those of you who have 678 00:34:36,500 --> 00:34:39,625 sex as god, or you have an addiction cycle, 679 00:34:39,667 --> 00:34:42,625 or you're enslaved, or heading toward slavery, 680 00:34:42,667 --> 00:34:47,417 or you've got a neural pathway toward a pleasure that's very 681 00:34:47,500 --> 00:34:51,125 unhealthy, and you're hoping that I would get your spouse 682 00:34:51,167 --> 00:34:52,625 on that path with you-- 683 00:34:52,667 --> 00:34:55,125 "Tell them to do it! Tell them to do it! 684 00:34:55,167 --> 00:34:57,625 "Tell them to do it! I want to do it! 685 00:34:57,667 --> 00:34:59,000 Tell them to do it!" 686 00:34:59,083 --> 00:35:01,833 I want you to pull back and ask, "Is this godly? 687 00:35:01,875 --> 00:35:03,500 "Is this holy? 688 00:35:03,583 --> 00:35:05,417 "Is this humble? 689 00:35:05,500 --> 00:35:07,292 Is this what Jesus wants?" 690 00:35:07,333 --> 00:35:09,917 Some of you say, "The Bible doesn't say it's wrong!" 691 00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:12,708 It may not be, but it may be for you, 692 00:35:12,792 --> 00:35:16,333 as long as your heart is in this condition. 693 00:35:16,375 --> 00:35:21,500 Because, for you, it could be enslaving. 694 00:35:21,583 --> 00:35:26,083 I don't want to, in any way, be someone who empowers one spouse 695 00:35:26,167 --> 00:35:27,833 to abuse another. 696 00:35:27,875 --> 00:35:31,708 That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. 697 00:35:31,792 --> 00:35:35,833 But let's say, "Question number one, 698 00:35:35,875 --> 00:35:37,333 "It is lawful. 699 00:35:37,375 --> 00:35:39,417 "God and government have no opposition to it 700 00:35:39,500 --> 00:35:40,917 "or problem with it. 701 00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:42,667 "Number two, based upon the six reasons 702 00:35:42,750 --> 00:35:44,083 "that the Bible gives, 703 00:35:44,167 --> 00:35:46,167 "it could be helpful to our marriage. 704 00:35:46,250 --> 00:35:50,208 "And number three, we don't believe it'll become enslaving, 705 00:35:50,292 --> 00:35:53,000 "or if we're doing it, it is not enslaving. 706 00:35:53,083 --> 00:35:55,583 "It is under control. It does not control us. 707 00:35:55,667 --> 00:35:59,625 "It is not the center obsession of our relationship. 708 00:35:59,667 --> 00:36:02,375 It's part of what we enjoy together." 709 00:36:02,458 --> 00:36:06,833 Then I would say be free in Christ 710 00:36:06,875 --> 00:36:10,917 to enjoy one another, 711 00:36:11,000 --> 00:36:15,000 and use whatever freedom the two of you prayerfully agree 712 00:36:15,083 --> 00:36:17,708 is acceptable to you. 713 00:36:17,792 --> 00:36:22,125 Now, as soon as I say this, those who see sex as gross, 714 00:36:22,167 --> 00:36:25,000 "You've gone too far!" 715 00:36:25,083 --> 00:36:29,708 Those who see sex as god, "You didn't go far enough!" 716 00:36:29,792 --> 00:36:33,500 And I would say it's a gift from God to be enjoyed and stewarded 717 00:36:33,542 --> 00:36:36,625 in a way that is holy and helpful. 718 00:36:36,667 --> 00:36:38,917 It is meaningful and purposeful. 719 00:36:39,000 --> 00:36:41,500 It is passionate and pleasurable. 720 00:36:41,542 --> 00:36:44,833 And I don't want to be in your bedroom with a striped shirt 721 00:36:44,875 --> 00:36:48,042 and a whistle calling fouls. 722 00:36:50,875 --> 00:36:54,917 Throwing white flags, "Upon further review..." 723 00:36:55,000 --> 00:37:00,250 I just don't want to be that guy. 724 00:37:00,333 --> 00:37:03,208 But some of you are already doing things that you haven't 725 00:37:03,292 --> 00:37:05,500 even prayed, or thought, or talked about, 726 00:37:05,583 --> 00:37:09,333 and I want you to be more considerate and contemplative 727 00:37:09,375 --> 00:37:11,500 regarding those things. 728 00:37:11,583 --> 00:37:14,500 And some of you have interests and I want you 729 00:37:14,542 --> 00:37:16,625 to prayerfully, carefully consider the why, not 730 00:37:16,667 --> 00:37:20,000 just the what, before you speak with your spouse against them. 731 00:37:20,042 --> 00:37:23,208 Some of you have done things to your spouse or pressured them 732 00:37:23,292 --> 00:37:25,708 into things you need to apologize, repent for, 733 00:37:25,792 --> 00:37:29,792 ask their forgiveness of, and put to death. 734 00:37:29,833 --> 00:37:32,792 And some of you have been so fearful and timid that you 735 00:37:32,833 --> 00:37:35,167 haven't talked about much, or you haven't explored much, 736 00:37:35,250 --> 00:37:37,917 and as a result, you're kind of bored with one another, 737 00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:40,125 and I would encourage you to explore and enjoy 738 00:37:40,167 --> 00:37:41,500 your freedoms in Christ. 739 00:37:41,583 --> 00:37:44,625 You're all coming from different places, 740 00:37:44,667 --> 00:37:46,708 and there's not one answer for everyone, 741 00:37:46,792 --> 00:37:50,417 but I want to lovingly open up these categories, 742 00:37:50,500 --> 00:37:55,292 based upon 1 Corinthians 6:12, to invite you to come to that 743 00:37:55,333 --> 00:37:59,583 place where sex is a gift, and your spouse is a treasure, 744 00:37:59,667 --> 00:38:03,167 and the two of you are working according to biblical conviction 745 00:38:03,250 --> 00:38:04,833 and loving compassion. 746 00:38:04,875 --> 00:38:06,708 Amen? Okay. 747 00:38:06,792 --> 00:38:08,875 That being said, I'll go get Grace, 748 00:38:08,958 --> 00:38:11,417 and we'll answer your questions. 749 00:38:11,500 --> 00:38:14,000 I'm a little worried about what they might be, 750 00:38:14,083 --> 00:38:16,708 but we will see what they are in just a moment. 751 00:38:16,792 --> 00:38:18,167 So, we'll be right back. 752 00:38:20,667 --> 00:38:24,667 [applauding] 753 00:38:26,083 --> 00:38:29,167 Deep breath. 754 00:38:29,250 --> 00:38:34,417 Okay, we're going to do this, right? 755 00:38:34,500 --> 00:38:36,625 Thank you. 756 00:38:36,667 --> 00:38:40,500 Most stay-at-home mothers of five don't have to do this 757 00:38:40,583 --> 00:38:44,292 in front of the world, so thank you very, very, very much. 758 00:38:44,333 --> 00:38:48,000 We'll just get right to questions. 759 00:38:48,083 --> 00:38:50,083 "Where do I channel my sexual passions 760 00:38:50,167 --> 00:38:54,000 while single or dating?" 761 00:38:54,083 --> 00:38:57,167 You should start that one. 762 00:38:57,250 --> 00:38:59,000 You want me to start that one? 763 00:38:59,042 --> 00:39:00,792 Okay. 764 00:39:00,833 --> 00:39:05,417 I would say a couple of things. 765 00:39:05,500 --> 00:39:08,125 Number one, we look at the Lord Jesus, 766 00:39:08,167 --> 00:39:12,708 and he was single and died a virgin, 767 00:39:12,792 --> 00:39:17,292 which is maybe one of his miracles, 768 00:39:17,333 --> 00:39:21,833 and rose from the dead, and ascended into heaven, 769 00:39:21,875 --> 00:39:25,708 still having no sexual contact with anyone. 770 00:39:25,792 --> 00:39:31,000 And so that means a perfect life lived does not have to include 771 00:39:31,083 --> 00:39:34,000 marriage and sex. 772 00:39:34,083 --> 00:39:36,000 So, for those of you who are single, 773 00:39:36,042 --> 00:39:38,875 I want you to hear that doesn't make you a second-class citizen. 774 00:39:38,958 --> 00:39:41,583 It doesn't restrict your ability to glorify God or to live 775 00:39:41,667 --> 00:39:44,000 a passionate, meaningful, purposeful life. 776 00:39:44,042 --> 00:39:45,875 And so sometimes when you're single, 777 00:39:45,958 --> 00:39:48,167 it just feels like you're in a holding pattern 778 00:39:48,250 --> 00:39:49,583 until life really begins. 779 00:39:49,667 --> 00:39:51,125 No, it doesn't. 780 00:39:51,167 --> 00:39:52,833 So, you know, don't waste your singleness. 781 00:39:52,875 --> 00:39:55,833 Use it to the glory of God and the good of others. 782 00:39:55,875 --> 00:39:57,333 So, looking at the Lord Jesus, 783 00:39:57,375 --> 00:39:59,333 you see he spent his time to study. 784 00:39:59,375 --> 00:40:00,833 He spent his time to teach. 785 00:40:00,875 --> 00:40:03,583 He spent his time to work, spent time as a carpenter. 786 00:40:03,667 --> 00:40:05,083 He spent his time to pray. 787 00:40:05,167 --> 00:40:06,583 He spent time to serve others. 788 00:40:06,667 --> 00:40:09,208 He spent time fighting against injustice. 789 00:40:09,292 --> 00:40:13,125 He spent time investing in children. 790 00:40:13,167 --> 00:40:16,333 A lot of singles, especially men, don't do that. 791 00:40:16,375 --> 00:40:18,875 My encouragement and exhortation and admonition is always 792 00:40:18,958 --> 00:40:20,667 to the single guys: 793 00:40:20,750 --> 00:40:22,708 Work in the nursery. 794 00:40:22,792 --> 00:40:24,333 Work in the nursery. 795 00:40:24,375 --> 00:40:27,333 Go to one service and serve in the other in the nursery. 796 00:40:27,375 --> 00:40:30,333 There's a bunch of kids in there that don't have a dad. 797 00:40:30,375 --> 00:40:31,833 They'd love to wrestle with you. 798 00:40:31,875 --> 00:40:33,583 In addition, working in the nursery is 799 00:40:33,667 --> 00:40:37,625 a bunch of single, young women 800 00:40:37,667 --> 00:40:42,208 who love children and aspire to be mothers. 801 00:40:42,292 --> 00:40:45,000 And while you're playing with children, 802 00:40:45,083 --> 00:40:46,625 and they're playing with children, 803 00:40:46,667 --> 00:40:48,625 you might actually get to the point where 804 00:40:48,667 --> 00:40:50,917 the two of you make children. 805 00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:54,333 After you're married. 806 00:40:54,375 --> 00:40:58,625 And, as well, that allows you to get to know and love children, 807 00:40:58,667 --> 00:41:01,292 so that even if you aspire to be a parent, 808 00:41:01,333 --> 00:41:03,417 it's a good way to open your heart. 809 00:41:03,500 --> 00:41:05,500 It's interesting how many kids were really interested 810 00:41:05,583 --> 00:41:09,875 and attracted to Jesus--single guy--but it's because he loved 811 00:41:09,958 --> 00:41:11,833 and served children, as well. 812 00:41:11,875 --> 00:41:13,208 So, those kinds of things, 813 00:41:13,292 --> 00:41:15,417 I know this is going to sound really simplistic. 814 00:41:15,500 --> 00:41:18,417 I would say read the gospels. Look at the life of Jesus. 815 00:41:18,500 --> 00:41:20,417 And even as a single person, ask yourself, 816 00:41:20,500 --> 00:41:22,917 "What did he give his time, talent, and treasure to?" 817 00:41:23,000 --> 00:41:24,917 Those are good examples of things to do. 818 00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:28,708 I would say, as well, guard your heart against sinful lust, 819 00:41:28,792 --> 00:41:31,917 so avoid pornography and inappropriate relationships 820 00:41:32,000 --> 00:41:35,000 with others of a sexual nature. 821 00:41:35,083 --> 00:41:38,000 And if you're really feeling led toward marriage and desirous of 822 00:41:38,083 --> 00:41:41,125 marriage, then it's preparing yourself and putting yourself 823 00:41:41,167 --> 00:41:43,917 in a position where, you know, you can get married 824 00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:45,417 sooner than later. 825 00:41:45,500 --> 00:41:48,125 It's the reason that, you know, I was saved at 19, 826 00:41:48,167 --> 00:41:51,125 but we got married at 21, because we had done it wrong, 827 00:41:51,167 --> 00:41:54,500 but once I met Jesus, and I knew I wanted to be with Grace, 828 00:41:54,583 --> 00:41:57,500 you know, I knew that for us, being married was our future, 829 00:41:57,583 --> 00:42:00,333 so I wanted to get to that at an early point, 830 00:42:00,417 --> 00:42:01,750 so that's what we did. 831 00:42:01,833 --> 00:42:03,833 It's practicing self-control. 832 00:42:03,875 --> 00:42:06,333 Self-control is one of the fruits of the Spirit, 833 00:42:06,375 --> 00:42:10,833 and even in marriage, you have to practice self-control 834 00:42:10,875 --> 00:42:14,417 sexually at times, because after a child, or an illness-- 835 00:42:14,500 --> 00:42:15,875 Yeah, unpack that. 836 00:42:15,958 --> 00:42:17,583 That's really--I think single people think, 837 00:42:17,667 --> 00:42:20,625 "When you get married, then you have sex every day, right?" 838 00:42:20,667 --> 00:42:22,917 You laugh. 839 00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:25,208 "Why are you laughing?" 840 00:42:25,292 --> 00:42:27,000 So, what does that mean? 841 00:42:27,042 --> 00:42:29,417 Because self-control has to be practiced within marriage, 842 00:42:29,500 --> 00:42:31,000 as well. 843 00:42:31,083 --> 00:42:33,333 Yeah, I mean, there's seasons--whether it's illness, 844 00:42:33,375 --> 00:42:38,500 or someone was hurt, or pregnancy, sometimes bed rest, 845 00:42:38,583 --> 00:42:41,000 or after pregnancy, 4-6 weeks, 846 00:42:41,042 --> 00:42:42,708 depending on doctors' recommendations. 847 00:42:42,792 --> 00:42:44,125 There's always-- 848 00:42:44,167 --> 00:42:46,833 Work-related travel. Military deployment. 849 00:42:46,875 --> 00:42:48,792 Yeah, exactly, all those things. 850 00:42:48,833 --> 00:42:51,208 So, you need to be able to have that self-control 851 00:42:51,292 --> 00:42:53,375 in the marriage; so, before marriage, 852 00:42:53,458 --> 00:42:56,000 practicing that is a great opportunity, 853 00:42:56,083 --> 00:42:58,500 so that you don't become embittered really quickly 854 00:42:58,542 --> 00:43:00,375 in the marriage. 855 00:43:00,458 --> 00:43:03,167 But it's not a bad thing. 856 00:43:03,250 --> 00:43:05,708 It's not like you can just take this and say, 857 00:43:05,792 --> 00:43:09,000 "I'm going to channel this sexual energy into this area." 858 00:43:09,083 --> 00:43:14,417 That is saved for marriage, and so it's not that energy 859 00:43:14,500 --> 00:43:17,125 that you're channeling into a different area of your life. 860 00:43:17,167 --> 00:43:20,625 It's that you're practicing self-control in that area. 861 00:43:20,667 --> 00:43:23,500 You're not turning off all your emotions, 862 00:43:23,583 --> 00:43:26,708 but you're just doing other things to serve the Lord until 863 00:43:26,792 --> 00:43:30,833 he brings someone into your life that is going to be your spouse. 864 00:43:30,875 --> 00:43:32,667 And our encouragement, too, would always be 865 00:43:32,750 --> 00:43:34,625 don't kill your desire. 866 00:43:34,667 --> 00:43:37,625 A lot of couples, a lot of singles, rather, would just say, 867 00:43:37,667 --> 00:43:40,167 "I just killed my desire, so I don't have temptation." 868 00:43:40,250 --> 00:43:41,667 Well, you're going to get married. 869 00:43:41,750 --> 00:43:45,083 If you hope to get married, and in the grace of God you do 870 00:43:45,167 --> 00:43:48,083 get married, you don't want your desires to be dead. 871 00:43:48,167 --> 00:43:50,125 So, it's not about deadening your desires, 872 00:43:50,167 --> 00:43:53,792 but directing your desires toward godly things until you 873 00:43:53,833 --> 00:43:56,625 get married, and then toward your spouse. 874 00:43:56,667 --> 00:44:00,042 And the singles who have tried to just deaden their desires, 875 00:44:00,125 --> 00:44:02,167 it keeps them from sin while single, 876 00:44:02,250 --> 00:44:05,833 but it keeps them from joy while married. 877 00:44:05,875 --> 00:44:09,500 And I think sometimes, even when we're instructing teenagers 878 00:44:09,542 --> 00:44:12,625 in the church, for example, we just sort of tell them, 879 00:44:12,667 --> 00:44:15,000 "Kill your desires, so you don't get in trouble," 880 00:44:15,083 --> 00:44:18,500 which might keep them away from certain trouble, 881 00:44:18,542 --> 00:44:23,333 while single, but it will cause other trouble in marriage. 882 00:44:23,375 --> 00:44:25,708 And so the desires are good. 883 00:44:25,792 --> 00:44:28,833 And then finding, as Grace said, a way of being passionate in 884 00:44:28,875 --> 00:44:32,833 your life for Christ, and then saving a certain expression 885 00:44:32,875 --> 00:44:38,583 of that passion for marriage is really the way to go. 886 00:44:38,667 --> 00:44:39,917 Let's do another one. 887 00:44:40,000 --> 00:44:45,625 "Can we marry without the intention of having children?" 888 00:44:45,667 --> 00:44:50,500 I'll have the woman with five children answer the question. 889 00:44:50,583 --> 00:44:52,500 "We want to get married and have sex. 890 00:44:52,583 --> 00:44:56,667 We have no interest in kids." 891 00:44:56,708 --> 00:44:59,750 I used to believe that everyone should have kids, 892 00:44:59,833 --> 00:45:03,333 no matter what, and I believe that everyone should desire 893 00:45:03,417 --> 00:45:06,708 kids, because that's what God commands, 894 00:45:06,792 --> 00:45:09,667 to be fruitful and multiply. 895 00:45:09,708 --> 00:45:14,750 But there are some situations, for sure, 896 00:45:14,833 --> 00:45:19,167 that people shouldn't have kids. 897 00:45:19,208 --> 00:45:20,542 Explain that. 898 00:45:20,625 --> 00:45:22,042 Why would you say that? 899 00:45:22,125 --> 00:45:24,042 Because of the way they treat the kids? 900 00:45:24,125 --> 00:45:29,333 Yeah, because they're terrible people. 901 00:45:29,417 --> 00:45:32,625 And, I mean, there's a lot of people that do have kids 902 00:45:32,667 --> 00:45:34,958 that are just horrible to their children. 903 00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:37,333 And, you know, God's grace can cover that and heal 904 00:45:37,417 --> 00:45:39,833 those children, absolutely. 905 00:45:39,917 --> 00:45:44,250 But, yeah, I think the question goes back to 906 00:45:44,333 --> 00:45:47,333 the selfishness issue, for me. 907 00:45:47,375 --> 00:45:52,125 To not want to have kids is, I would say, selfish, 908 00:45:52,167 --> 00:45:55,500 because children are a blessing. 909 00:45:55,583 --> 00:46:01,333 God calls them a blessing, and they teach us so much. 910 00:46:01,375 --> 00:46:03,208 Women are saved through childbearing, 911 00:46:03,292 --> 00:46:05,833 which means we aren't saved eternally. 912 00:46:05,917 --> 00:46:09,125 Our salvation isn't based on as far as eternal salvation, 913 00:46:09,167 --> 00:46:12,250 but we are saved, we are redeemed day after day 914 00:46:12,333 --> 00:46:15,500 after day, through raising our children, 915 00:46:15,583 --> 00:46:19,167 because they show us our sin in a way that I don't know 916 00:46:19,208 --> 00:46:21,958 other things in my life that would show me my sin 917 00:46:22,000 --> 00:46:23,750 as much as my children. 918 00:46:23,833 --> 00:46:27,458 So, it gives us opportunity to repent and work toward 919 00:46:27,500 --> 00:46:29,458 the holiness that God intends. 920 00:46:29,500 --> 00:46:33,833 So, for me, the question, it raises an issue of selfishness. 921 00:46:33,917 --> 00:46:36,625 And we've had a lot of people--I mean, 922 00:46:36,667 --> 00:46:38,625 we have tons of couples at our church, 923 00:46:38,667 --> 00:46:41,625 so we have a lot of people that have talked through this 924 00:46:41,667 --> 00:46:43,125 and have gone into marriage, saying, 925 00:46:43,167 --> 00:46:45,458 "There is no way I will ever have children." 926 00:46:45,500 --> 00:46:49,458 And they have several children and are thankful that they 927 00:46:49,500 --> 00:46:55,333 worked through that issue, because their life would be not 928 00:46:55,417 --> 00:46:58,250 as full and blessed as it is with the children 929 00:46:58,333 --> 00:46:59,833 that they have. 930 00:46:59,917 --> 00:47:03,208 Yeah, and I think I would go pastorally to the why. 931 00:47:03,292 --> 00:47:06,125 Is it because you're selfish, and you both have your careers, 932 00:47:06,167 --> 00:47:08,167 and you don't want to be inconvenienced? 933 00:47:08,208 --> 00:47:11,333 Well, then the underlying issue is selfishness, 934 00:47:11,417 --> 00:47:14,833 and that's a sin to be repented of. 935 00:47:14,917 --> 00:47:17,542 And what you're saying is, "Children would force me not 936 00:47:17,625 --> 00:47:20,417 "to be selfish, so rather than getting rid of the selfishness, 937 00:47:20,500 --> 00:47:22,833 I want to get rid of the children." 938 00:47:22,917 --> 00:47:26,750 I'd say go for the children and get rid of the selfishness. 939 00:47:26,833 --> 00:47:30,958 If it is, "I was really abused and traumatized as a child, 940 00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:34,625 "and I really struggle bringing children into the world 941 00:47:34,667 --> 00:47:38,042 because of safety and concern issues." 942 00:47:38,125 --> 00:47:43,417 I'd say, "Okay, well then that could be a fear that is rooted 943 00:47:43,500 --> 00:47:46,625 "in a very painful reality, and let's get to the root of that 944 00:47:46,667 --> 00:47:49,958 "problem and bring hope and help and healing to that, 945 00:47:50,000 --> 00:47:53,542 and see if then your heart doesn't change." 946 00:47:53,625 --> 00:47:55,500 And it may not, in those circumstances, 947 00:47:55,583 --> 00:47:57,250 be a selfish issue. 948 00:47:57,333 --> 00:47:59,458 It may be a protective issue. 949 00:47:59,500 --> 00:48:02,000 "I just don't want what happened to me to happen 950 00:48:02,083 --> 00:48:03,417 to any other child." 951 00:48:03,500 --> 00:48:04,833 I understand that. 952 00:48:04,875 --> 00:48:07,250 I mean, we work a lot with sexual assault victims, 953 00:48:07,333 --> 00:48:10,417 and that's why Grace was brave to write the chapter in the book 954 00:48:10,500 --> 00:48:11,833 regarding that issue. 955 00:48:11,875 --> 00:48:15,333 If it is, "Well, I don't think that the man I'm marrying is 956 00:48:15,417 --> 00:48:18,833 dependable, or going to provide, or I can count on him," 957 00:48:18,917 --> 00:48:23,125 well, don't marry that guy. 958 00:48:23,167 --> 00:48:26,500 You know, if you don't trust him, don't marry him. 959 00:48:26,583 --> 00:48:29,333 If you can't depend on him, don't marry him. 960 00:48:29,417 --> 00:48:34,333 So, it could also be as one of the persons is infertile, 961 00:48:34,417 --> 00:48:38,250 and we would say, you know, it's good to consider adoption. 962 00:48:38,333 --> 00:48:41,708 Jesus was adopted by his father, Joseph. 963 00:48:41,792 --> 00:48:44,417 And adoption is a metaphor for salvation in the Bible. 964 00:48:44,500 --> 00:48:46,708 So, if there's an infertility issue, 965 00:48:46,792 --> 00:48:49,250 then perhaps adoption would be something meritorious 966 00:48:49,333 --> 00:48:50,667 of consideration. 967 00:48:50,708 --> 00:48:54,167 So, these are pastoral issues, and this is where--we're going to 968 00:48:54,208 --> 00:48:55,667 say this a lot-- 969 00:48:55,708 --> 00:48:57,417 we love the church. 970 00:48:57,500 --> 00:49:00,750 We want you to be in a church where the Bible is taught 971 00:49:00,833 --> 00:49:02,458 and Jesus is loved. 972 00:49:02,500 --> 00:49:04,958 We want you to be in community with God's people 973 00:49:05,000 --> 00:49:07,417 to get counsel, and we want you to have godly, 974 00:49:07,500 --> 00:49:10,500 spiritual leaders to talk to and to pray with, 975 00:49:10,583 --> 00:49:13,667 because sometimes these questions are very complicated. 976 00:49:13,708 --> 00:49:16,208 When we get something like this, it's like, well, 977 00:49:16,292 --> 00:49:18,167 we don't know the person. 978 00:49:18,208 --> 00:49:20,500 It could be anything from selfishness, 979 00:49:20,583 --> 00:49:25,125 to unresolved abuse issues, to infertility. 980 00:49:25,167 --> 00:49:27,458 You know, there could be a lot of reasons. 981 00:49:27,500 --> 00:49:30,333 And so we don't want to come out legalistically and say, 982 00:49:30,417 --> 00:49:32,542 "If you're not pregnant, we're not happy." 983 00:49:32,625 --> 00:49:34,542 You know? 984 00:49:34,625 --> 00:49:36,958 I also don't think everyone should have five kids. 985 00:49:37,000 --> 00:49:38,458 Because people ask me that question. 986 00:49:38,500 --> 00:49:40,208 "Well, how many kids should we have?" 987 00:49:40,292 --> 00:49:41,958 That's up to you and your husband. 988 00:49:42,000 --> 00:49:44,958 So, it's not that we're saying, "Yes, you have to have kids; 989 00:49:45,000 --> 00:49:46,750 and, yes, you have to have five." 990 00:49:46,833 --> 00:49:49,500 Those are all things that the Holy Spirit leads us in, 991 00:49:49,583 --> 00:49:52,333 as we're praying and talking with our spouse, 992 00:49:52,417 --> 00:49:55,667 and seeking what the Lord has for us in our life. 993 00:49:55,708 --> 00:49:58,250 Yeah, I would say, though, if you're two selfish people 994 00:49:58,333 --> 00:50:01,375 getting married, and you're so selfish that the selfishness 995 00:50:01,458 --> 00:50:03,792 compels you not to have children, 996 00:50:03,833 --> 00:50:06,542 don't think you're going to have an awesome lifelong marriage 997 00:50:06,625 --> 00:50:11,167 of servanthood, because it's two selfish people. 998 00:50:11,250 --> 00:50:13,667 That could be the case. 999 00:50:13,708 --> 00:50:16,583 And so at our church, I mean, if it was purely 1000 00:50:16,667 --> 00:50:19,667 out of selfishness, I would not marry a couple who refused 1001 00:50:19,750 --> 00:50:22,083 to have children for purely selfish motives. 1002 00:50:22,167 --> 00:50:25,667 I would rebuke them, but I would not marry them. 1003 00:50:25,750 --> 00:50:28,875 Some of you say, "Well, then I would not go to your church." 1004 00:50:28,958 --> 00:50:31,292 Ah, you should still come. 1005 00:50:31,333 --> 00:50:33,042 Because you need to be rebuked. 1006 00:50:33,125 --> 00:50:36,667 So-- 1007 00:50:36,750 --> 00:50:38,167 It's been so intense for me. 1008 00:50:38,250 --> 00:50:41,167 I probably shouldn't share this, but there are a few people who, 1009 00:50:41,250 --> 00:50:44,875 when they were single guys, they wanted to just sleep with as 1010 00:50:44,958 --> 00:50:47,042 many women as possible, and not ever worry about 1011 00:50:47,125 --> 00:50:51,042 having children, so they got vasectomies at like 20. 1012 00:50:51,125 --> 00:50:54,083 And then they get saved, and then they realize that they're 1013 00:50:54,167 --> 00:50:57,083 selfish and sinful, and then they get a renewing of the mind 1014 00:50:57,167 --> 00:50:59,875 through the Scriptures, and then they want to get married, 1015 00:50:59,958 --> 00:51:03,000 and love a woman, and then they want to become a husband. 1016 00:51:03,042 --> 00:51:05,250 And I've actually counseled some guys, 1017 00:51:05,333 --> 00:51:07,500 "I will not officiate your wedding until you get 1018 00:51:07,542 --> 00:51:11,000 your reversal." 1019 00:51:11,042 --> 00:51:14,333 So, you know-- It got quiet. 1020 00:51:14,417 --> 00:51:17,000 You should see the looks on the men's faces, like, 1021 00:51:17,042 --> 00:51:21,167 "Whoa, wow, this was a very fun lecture until a moment ago." 1022 00:51:21,250 --> 00:51:23,000 And I've just told the guys, like, 1023 00:51:23,042 --> 00:51:25,167 if you've had a change of heart and mind, 1024 00:51:25,250 --> 00:51:27,167 and you do want to marry this woman, 1025 00:51:27,250 --> 00:51:30,500 and she wants to have kids, and you're telling her you want to 1026 00:51:30,542 --> 00:51:33,250 have kids, I think even getting the reversal before the wedding 1027 00:51:33,333 --> 00:51:36,458 is just one way of her knowing, "He's not going to trick me. 1028 00:51:36,500 --> 00:51:38,417 He really has had a change of heart." 1029 00:51:38,500 --> 00:51:40,625 You see what I'm saying? I made it better. 1030 00:51:40,667 --> 00:51:41,958 Okay, good. 1031 00:51:42,000 --> 00:51:43,333 Next one. 1032 00:51:43,417 --> 00:51:46,167 "What can we do if we've already had sex before marriage? 1033 00:51:46,250 --> 00:51:49,292 Is there more than repentance or confession?" 1034 00:51:49,333 --> 00:51:52,458 That was our story. 1035 00:51:52,500 --> 00:51:56,042 Well, I think being willing to talk through it to a place where 1036 00:51:56,125 --> 00:51:59,167 you feel like you're at peace about it and actually moving 1037 00:51:59,208 --> 00:52:01,208 into the healing process. 1038 00:52:01,292 --> 00:52:03,542 I think we can admit it, confess it, stop, 1039 00:52:03,625 --> 00:52:06,750 and then not say anything more about it, and still feel shame, 1040 00:52:06,833 --> 00:52:10,917 and regret, and grief, and all those things. 1041 00:52:11,000 --> 00:52:13,833 So, it's something that we've had to talk through. 1042 00:52:13,875 --> 00:52:17,667 I mean, over and over, at different times, 1043 00:52:17,708 --> 00:52:21,000 just different parts of it that God wants to heal in us. 1044 00:52:21,083 --> 00:52:25,625 So, yeah, I mean repentance is the biggest part and then asking 1045 00:52:25,667 --> 00:52:30,542 the Lord to just really heal those places of guilt and shame 1046 00:52:30,625 --> 00:52:35,042 and give you strength to not--the enemy condemns us, 1047 00:52:35,125 --> 00:52:37,417 and Jesus doesn't. 1048 00:52:37,500 --> 00:52:39,542 He wants to free us from our sin. 1049 00:52:39,625 --> 00:52:44,542 And so there's no condemnation in Jesus, so to live in light of 1050 00:52:44,625 --> 00:52:48,833 that, and then trust that he's going to continue to heal that. 1051 00:52:48,917 --> 00:52:51,000 But sometimes there's other issues, too, 1052 00:52:51,083 --> 00:52:54,667 behind that from the past, that need to be brought up 1053 00:52:54,708 --> 00:52:56,458 and talked about, as well. 1054 00:52:56,500 --> 00:52:58,458 It can be an opening to other discussions 1055 00:52:58,500 --> 00:53:00,458 that might need to happen. 1056 00:53:00,500 --> 00:53:01,833 Like what? 1057 00:53:01,917 --> 00:53:05,417 Well, like sexual assault or other relationships that you've 1058 00:53:05,500 --> 00:53:08,833 put out of your mind, because you don't want to think of that 1059 00:53:08,875 --> 00:53:13,417 as a sin, or you don't want to address it as an issue. 1060 00:53:13,500 --> 00:53:16,167 There were things that I withheld from you, 1061 00:53:16,208 --> 00:53:18,667 as far as information from my past, 1062 00:53:18,708 --> 00:53:21,667 and didn't think that it would hurt you, or thought it would 1063 00:53:21,708 --> 00:53:26,458 hurt you too much to tell you, and so I chose not to 1064 00:53:26,500 --> 00:53:29,458 and lied for many years about it and tried to hide it, 1065 00:53:29,500 --> 00:53:32,958 and that did horrible things in our marriage. 1066 00:53:33,000 --> 00:53:36,708 And so, oftentimes, when we're sinning together, 1067 00:53:36,792 --> 00:53:39,333 before marriage even, but in relationships, 1068 00:53:39,417 --> 00:53:42,458 there's an opportunity for repentance for that specific 1069 00:53:42,500 --> 00:53:46,500 issue, but it can also lead to the discussions of the past, 1070 00:53:46,583 --> 00:53:49,667 if you're at a place where you know that you're going to move 1071 00:53:49,708 --> 00:53:52,458 forward in your relationship, to be able to open up 1072 00:53:52,500 --> 00:53:54,042 about those things honestly. 1073 00:53:54,125 --> 00:53:56,333 Yeah, and those kinds of conversations are for engaged 1074 00:53:56,417 --> 00:53:59,750 couples heading toward marriage, because it's opening up your 1075 00:53:59,833 --> 00:54:02,833 past, and confessing things, and getting it all out there, 1076 00:54:02,875 --> 00:54:05,708 and you know who I am, and I know who you are, 1077 00:54:05,792 --> 00:54:07,542 as we're approaching marriage. 1078 00:54:07,625 --> 00:54:11,208 And to do that prematurely is really a dangerous, vulnerable, 1079 00:54:11,292 --> 00:54:15,000 and unhealthy position to put yourself in. 1080 00:54:15,083 --> 00:54:17,250 I don't know if they've got another one. 1081 00:54:17,333 --> 00:54:19,042 No, ma'am. 1082 00:54:19,125 --> 00:54:22,708 I want to thank you, honey, for being my girl, and loving me, 1083 00:54:22,792 --> 00:54:26,083 and being my friend, and I want to thank you for being willing 1084 00:54:26,167 --> 00:54:30,167 to take the risk of being honest with me, and writing the book, 1085 00:54:30,250 --> 00:54:32,125 and answering people's questions. 1086 00:54:32,167 --> 00:54:34,833 And I know that your heart is always to help people. 1087 00:54:34,875 --> 00:54:38,500 And so, you know, we do this because we want to help, 1088 00:54:38,542 --> 00:54:40,875 and we know we're not the Bible. 1089 00:54:40,958 --> 00:54:44,125 We don't always get it right, but anything that is helpful, 1090 00:54:44,167 --> 00:54:46,500 we're joyful to be able to help. 1091 00:54:46,542 --> 00:54:48,417 So, thanks. 1092 00:54:48,500 --> 00:54:51,500 And just curious if perhaps you'd be willing to just close 1093 00:54:51,583 --> 00:54:56,208 this session in prayer, especially for the singles 1094 00:54:56,292 --> 00:54:59,000 who have a lot of renewing of the mind and repentance 1095 00:54:59,083 --> 00:55:01,708 of the heart, and for those who are married, 1096 00:55:01,792 --> 00:55:06,042 that have a lot to talk about. 1097 00:55:06,125 --> 00:55:09,500 Dear Lord, thank you for your Word. 1098 00:55:09,583 --> 00:55:15,542 Thank you for the ability to proclaim your Word, and hear it, 1099 00:55:15,625 --> 00:55:19,417 and then live what you ask, not just hearing the Word 1100 00:55:19,500 --> 00:55:22,667 and so deceive ourselves, but do what it says. 1101 00:55:22,708 --> 00:55:25,042 Lord, I pray for the singles here. 1102 00:55:25,125 --> 00:55:29,958 I pray that, as they're discussing these questions 1103 00:55:30,000 --> 00:55:32,833 and pondering these things that were taught, 1104 00:55:32,917 --> 00:55:35,333 that they would just really seek you, Lord, 1105 00:55:35,417 --> 00:55:40,125 that they wouldn't be distracted by the world's expectations, 1106 00:55:40,167 --> 00:55:43,917 or the lies of the enemy, or the cultural standards, 1107 00:55:44,000 --> 00:55:48,458 because those are all different from what you ask of us, Lord. 1108 00:55:48,500 --> 00:55:51,833 So, we pray that you would renew their minds through your Word 1109 00:55:51,917 --> 00:55:57,667 and through good, godly friends and relationships. 1110 00:55:57,708 --> 00:56:01,542 Lord, we pray for the marrieds, that as they go home to discuss 1111 00:56:01,625 --> 00:56:06,167 these important issues, that you would just allow them to be 1112 00:56:06,208 --> 00:56:12,417 humble in their discussions and not bitter against each other. 1113 00:56:12,500 --> 00:56:17,000 Lord, if there's any bitterness, please allow that to be healed, 1114 00:56:17,083 --> 00:56:23,625 so that these discussions can be had in an uplifting way 1115 00:56:23,667 --> 00:56:26,958 with each other, not a condemning way. 1116 00:56:27,000 --> 00:56:29,750 Lord, I pray for repentant hearts. 1117 00:56:29,833 --> 00:56:33,833 I pray for both the husbands and the wives 1118 00:56:33,917 --> 00:56:37,833 to be able to come to a place where they are friends, 1119 00:56:37,917 --> 00:56:41,833 and out of that friendship they can enjoy each other in intimacy 1120 00:56:41,875 --> 00:56:44,250 and know that you've created it for that. 1121 00:56:44,333 --> 00:56:46,917 So, thank you, Lord, that you will direct these people, 1122 00:56:47,000 --> 00:56:48,333 as they leave, today. 1123 00:56:48,417 --> 00:56:50,542 Thank you for them coming. In Jesus' name, amen. 1124 00:56:50,625 --> 00:56:52,083 Amen. Thanks, baby.