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[music]

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Raise your hand
if you're selfish or alive.

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Okay?

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The reason I put those
together is those are synonyms.

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If you are selfish,
it's because you're alive,

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and if you're alive,
you're selfish.

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And some of you
say, "No, I'm not."

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You're the most selfish of all,

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if you do not agree
how selfish you are.

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On a scale of one to ten, how
would you rate yourself insofar

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as selfishness goes?

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Number one, "I'm Jesus.

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I'm not selfish at all."

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Number ten,
"I'm really selfish."

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And then what would
your spouse rate you?

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Probably higher, right?

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And selfishness is
an innate part of the sinful,

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fallen human condition.

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Martin Luther rightly says that
sin is the self

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bending in on the self.

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So, "It's not all about Jesus.

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"It's all about me.
It's not all about you.

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"It's all about me.
It's only about me.

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It's always about me."

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And it starts when
you're little,

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especially if you don't
have good parenting.

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Your parents can make you
the center of the universe.

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And I'll tell you what happens,
that selfish people get married,

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and they have
miserable marriages.

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It's just the way that it works.

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So, we're going to talk about
the juxtaposition between

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being selfish lovers
and servant lovers.

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And let me say that under
selfishness is pride,

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and pride is basically this:

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"I'm more important
than you are."

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You stopped laughing.

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But that's true, right?

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Pride is, "I'm more
important than you.

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"What I'm doing is more
important than you.

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"So, whatever you want,
whatever you think you need,

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"whatever you're doing, stop,
because me and my situation,

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"activities, proclivities,

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"they're more important
than yours.

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"Don't inconvenience me
with you.

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You and I should both
agree how important I am."

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That's selfishness.

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Undergirding it is
pride, and pride says,

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"I'm more important than you."

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And if you have that
attitude going into marriage,

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you don't love your
spouse, you use them.

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You don't love your
spouse; you use them.

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"You're here to serve me.

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I'm not here to serve you."

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It's selfishness, and it's pride
that is the root of so much

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marital struggle and strife.

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So, we're going to
talk about pride.

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And I know some of you, you say,
"Well, I don't know about pride.

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What about self-esteem?"

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Pride!

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It's just a cuter word for it.

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It's marketing.

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Right?

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"Well, what about
self-actualization?"

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Pride.

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"Well, shouldn't you have
a positive self-image?"

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I don't know, pride.

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We found a clever way to make
pride a virtue and not a vice.

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The Bible says something
very different about pride.

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In fact, I'll share it
with you, all right?

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So, put a helmet on.

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We'll read these verses.

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Proverbs 8:13,
"Pride and arrogance...I hate."

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Who says that?

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God, the Maker of
heaven and earth,

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who knows your thoughts,
words, deeds, and motives.

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That's a scary verse.

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That's a spooky verse.

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That's a Scooby-Doo
verse, right?

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That one's troubling.

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"I hate--" Some of you say,
"What does 'hate' mean in Hebrew?"

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Uh, hate!

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He hates it.

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He really hates it.

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There's a list of things here
in this verse that God hates.

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One of them is pride.

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Are you proud?

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All right, we'll
just keep going.

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All right, Proverbs 16:5,
"Everyone who is arrogant

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"in heart is an abomination
to the LORD; be assured,

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he will not go unpunished."

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"What?

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"But my teacher said I
was like a snowflake.

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"I'm one of a kind.
I'm special!

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"And I feel like I
have a lot of potential, and

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"deep down I'm a good person,
and you don't know my heart!

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And I need to have self-esteem
so that I can live a good life!"

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"Everyone who is arrogant
in heart is an abomination

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"to the LORD; be assured,
he will not go unpunished."

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It's being transformed by
the renewing of your mind.

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It's not taking what
the world would tell you,

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going to the Scriptures
and trying to find justification

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and vindication for it.

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It's going to the Scriptures
and getting the mind of God.

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Proverbs 16:18,
"Pride goes before destruction,

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and a haughty spirit
before a fall."

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God's plan A
is always humility.

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Plan B: humiliation.

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If you don't choose
the path of humility,

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you're choosing
the path of humiliation.

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Additionally, 1 Peter 5:5
and James 4:6--

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the Bible says this
multiple times.

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This is Peter,
the leader of the disciples,

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and James, Jesus' brother.

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Some of you say,
"Well, that's their opinion."

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Let me say it again.

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The leader of the disciples,
who was crucified upside-down

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for Christ, and Jesus' brother,
both say the same thing,

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and it makes the Bible twice.

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That must mean it's important.

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Amen?

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"Clothe yourselves,
all of you, with humility

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toward one another,"

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and this definitely
is applicable to marriage,

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"for 'God opposes the proud but
gives grace to the humble.'"

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Some of you wonder
why your life is hard,

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why you can't make any traction,
or why it feels like things

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are coming together and then
they always fall apart.

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I don't know.

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There could be any number of
reasons, but let me ask you,

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are you proud?

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If you're proud,
you're fighting God.

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You're declaring war on God.

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That's what it says.

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God opposes the proud, but
he gives grace to the humble.

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How does this play
out in marriage?

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Proud people become
selfish lovers,

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in and out of the bedroom. And
what happens invariably is this:

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If you have two selfish
people in marriage,

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you have a brutal marriage.

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They're both trying to use one
another, abuse one another,

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take advantage of one another,
take from one another.

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It's a brutal marriage,
where there are two proud,

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selfish people, both trying
to take, both trying to use.

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If you have a marriage
where one person is selfish

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and the other is a servant, you
will have an abusive marriage.

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They give, you take; they serve,
you take; they love, you take.

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What's your marriage like?

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Is it two selfish people,
two proud, selfish people?

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Is that why there's
so much conflict,

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why it's so hard
and so difficult?

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You're wondering why the rest of
your life isn't coming together.

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It may be because
God is opposing you.

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He's trying to work
on your humility.

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And if you would
humble yourself,

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he would give you grace.

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But if you would oppose him,
he must give you justice.

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Your marriage, number one,
two selfish, proud people;

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number two,

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a selfish, proud person
and a humble servant;

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or number three,
two humble servants.

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And I would say none of us
can ever say, "I'm humble!

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"I did it!

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"I landed
the dismount on humility!

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I'm now humble!

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Oh, wait, I told everyone.

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Now I'm proud."

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Okay, so we can
never say we're humble.

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All we could say,
as a friend of mine says,

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is that we're proud people
pursuing humility by the grace

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of God, that we're proud people
pursuing humility

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by the grace of God.

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But is the disposition of your
marriage someone who is

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a humble servant--that's what
they're pursuing by the grace

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of God--married to
a humble servant?

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If so, those marriages are
enduring, they're endearing,

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they're friends, they have
fun in and out of the bedroom.

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They love, serve, care for,
nurture, encourage one another.

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Marriage tends to get better.

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It tends not to get bitter.

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So, I want to really hit this
issue of pride and humility.

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And I will tell you that
this was, for a long time,

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the big issue in our marriage,
because I did honestly believe

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that what I was doing was more
important than Grace

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and that she should serve me
and my life and cause,

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and I was very proud
and very selfish.

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I'm not saying,
"And now I'm not."

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I'm saying now I'm aware of it.

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And as I've come to
understand this, I see that,

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yeah, this is
off-putting to a spouse.

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This is someone who
is difficult to trust,

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and be intimate with and enjoy.

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Because if you're
worshiping Jesus,

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and they're
worshiping themselves,

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and their goal is for
you to worship them,

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it's hard to really ever
have a good marriage.

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So, let's look at
the Lord Jesus.

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And what I'm not going to
do is say, "I'm humble,

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and let me tell you
about my humility."

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I will say,
"I'm proud with you.

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Let's look to Jesus."

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Now, Jesus is
the unselfish servant.

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Would you agree with that?

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Okay.

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Even if you look at, let's
say, the book of Isaiah,

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from Isaiah 40-66, that whole
last section of the book,

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it's all about Jesus
as our suffering servant.

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Seven hundred years
before he was born,

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it was prophesied repeatedly,
"He's coming as the humble,

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suffering, unselfish servant."

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And then Jesus comes.

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God becomes a man.

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He goes from heaven to earth.

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He goes from
a throne to a manger.

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He goes from riches to poverty.

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He goes from hearing,
"Holy, holy, holy

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is the Lord God Almighty,"

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to "Crucify him, crucify him,
crucify him."

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So, Jesus is
the unselfish servant.

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And I'll give you a few
occasions where Jesus teaches

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on humility and how it
relates to servanthood.

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In Mark 10:43--there's
a stupid argument in the Bible.

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There are more than one, but
there's one stupid argument

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in the Bible that keeps
happening with the disciples.

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They keep arguing
in the presence of Jesus

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which one of them
is the greatest.

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That's amazing.

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Now, what Jesus does is
he humbly teaches them.

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That's convicting.

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Okay.

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And he--what he
doesn't tell them is,

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"Why would you want to be great?

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Why would you want your life to
count and make a difference?"

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Instead, he takes
their sinful desires,

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and he redirects them
toward holy purposes.

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He says, "Well, if
you want to be great,

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"I'm not actually going
to rebuke you for that.

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I'm going to tell you
how to accomplish that."

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He says, "Whoever would be
great among you must be

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your servant."

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Oh.

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Well, there's
an upside-down world.

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There's an upside-down world.

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But this is Jesus who got down
and washed the dirty feet of

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Judas Iscariot, his enemy, who
would betray and murder him.

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You want to be great?

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00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:12,545
Jesus says to be a servant.

247
00:12:12,612 --> 00:12:14,946
You want to have
a great marriage?

248
00:12:15,013 --> 00:12:17,647
Then be a great servant.

249
00:12:17,714 --> 00:12:19,214
Mark 10:45,
"The Son of Man,"

250
00:12:19,281 --> 00:12:23,416
that's Jesus speaking of himself
as God in human flesh,

251
00:12:23,483 --> 00:12:26,049
"came not to be--" what?

252
00:12:26,116 --> 00:12:31,451
"served but to serve,
and to give his life

253
00:12:31,518 --> 00:12:33,151
as a ransom for many."

254
00:12:33,218 --> 00:12:34,552
Jesus lived without sin.

255
00:12:34,619 --> 00:12:37,320
He died on the cross
in our place for our sins.

256
00:12:37,387 --> 00:12:38,720
He rose for our salvation.

257
00:12:38,787 --> 00:12:40,221
That was all of humility.

258
00:12:40,288 --> 00:12:46,222
He served us through
his suffering.

259
00:12:46,289 --> 00:12:50,457
This is amazing.

260
00:12:50,524 --> 00:12:53,624
This is one of the reasons why
people didn't even think Jesus

261
00:12:53,691 --> 00:12:55,058
could be God.

262
00:12:55,125 --> 00:12:56,558
He's humble, not proud.

263
00:12:56,625 --> 00:12:58,226
He's poor, not rich.

264
00:12:58,293 --> 00:12:59,926
He serves others.

265
00:12:59,993 --> 00:13:03,360
He himself is not all
about being served.

266
00:13:03,427 --> 00:13:05,361
And many rejected him
and thought, "Well, certainly,

267
00:13:05,428 --> 00:13:07,562
this can't be God.

268
00:13:07,629 --> 00:13:10,462
Because if I were God,
that's not how I would be."

269
00:13:10,529 --> 00:13:13,763
That's why we're not God.

270
00:13:13,830 --> 00:13:15,631
We're sinners, and God is holy.

271
00:13:15,698 --> 00:13:18,065
That means he's
different than we are.

272
00:13:18,132 --> 00:13:21,833
He's humble.
He's humble.

273
00:13:23,933 --> 00:13:25,834
He "came not to be served."

274
00:13:25,901 --> 00:13:27,234
Let me ask you this.

275
00:13:27,301 --> 00:13:30,568
Going into marriage, is that
your primary motivation?

276
00:13:30,635 --> 00:13:33,169
You're going to be served.

277
00:13:33,236 --> 00:13:38,838
For those of you who are single,
you're incredibly selfish.

278
00:13:38,905 --> 00:13:42,672
Your whole world is
about being served.

279
00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:47,373
From your barista, to your bank
teller, to your dry cleaner,

280
00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:50,241
it's about being served.

281
00:13:50,308 --> 00:13:52,075
We live in a service economy.

282
00:13:52,142 --> 00:13:54,142
We pay people to serve us.

283
00:13:54,209 --> 00:13:56,043
And the more people we can pay,

284
00:13:56,110 --> 00:14:00,544
then the more significant
we feel.

285
00:14:00,611 --> 00:14:03,778
And then single people make a
list of all the things they want

286
00:14:03,845 --> 00:14:06,546
in a spouse, and what it is,
"It's a job description

287
00:14:06,613 --> 00:14:08,779
"for the ways
in which you can serve me,

288
00:14:08,846 --> 00:14:11,480
"if you are lucky enough
to be chosen by me

289
00:14:11,547 --> 00:14:14,281
"to spend the rest
of your life with me.

290
00:14:14,348 --> 00:14:15,882
"Good luck.

291
00:14:15,949 --> 00:14:20,450
You're welcome."

292
00:14:20,517 --> 00:14:23,484
Single people need to have
a second list: "All the ways

293
00:14:23,551 --> 00:14:26,385
"I want to serve my spouse;

294
00:14:26,452 --> 00:14:29,085
"all the things I don't
want just from my spouse,

295
00:14:29,152 --> 00:14:32,786
"but I want
to be for my spouse.

296
00:14:32,853 --> 00:14:36,388
"I want to serve them in this
way, and love them in this way,

297
00:14:36,455 --> 00:14:38,588
and encourage them in this way."

298
00:14:38,655 --> 00:14:41,089
Dear single people,
if you're going to have a list,

299
00:14:41,156 --> 00:14:44,690
make sure you have two, and make
sure that the list of the things

300
00:14:44,757 --> 00:14:48,191
that you need to work on is
longer than the list of what you

301
00:14:48,258 --> 00:14:53,192
are wanting others to do for
you, particularly your spouse.

302
00:14:53,259 --> 00:14:55,593
How about those of
you who are married?

303
00:14:55,660 --> 00:14:57,561
Is this the source
of your frustration?

304
00:14:57,628 --> 00:14:59,961
Did you even come to hear
this message, hoping,

305
00:15:00,028 --> 00:15:03,162
"Yes, I hope Pastor Mark tells
my spouse to do the stuff

306
00:15:03,229 --> 00:15:05,696
"I want them to do,
especially in the bedroom.

307
00:15:05,763 --> 00:15:08,297
"Are we at that point
in the lecture yet?

308
00:15:08,364 --> 00:15:11,565
"I was looking at my phone,
and I missed the pride stuff,

309
00:15:11,632 --> 00:15:16,866
'cause it seemed unnecessary."

310
00:15:19,467 --> 00:15:24,602
Philippians 2:3-7, "Do--" what?

311
00:15:24,669 --> 00:15:29,803
"Nothing."
That's a huge category.

312
00:15:29,870 --> 00:15:33,371
"From selfish ambition
or conceit,

313
00:15:33,438 --> 00:15:39,306
"but in humility count
others more significant

314
00:15:39,373 --> 00:15:40,873
than yourselves."

315
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,707
These general principles
for Christian living

316
00:15:42,774 --> 00:15:47,708
are particularly applicable
to the covenant of marriage.

317
00:15:47,775 --> 00:15:50,976
Consider your spouse
more important than you,

318
00:15:51,043 --> 00:15:54,810
more significant than you,
a higher priority than you.

319
00:15:54,877 --> 00:15:59,312
If you both do this, you'll
have a great marriage.

320
00:15:59,379 --> 00:16:05,013
"Let each of you look not only
to his own interests--"

321
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,314
"Well, that's not
what I want to eat.

322
00:16:07,381 --> 00:16:09,682
"That's not
what I want to do.

323
00:16:09,749 --> 00:16:11,515
"That's not
what I want to watch.

324
00:16:11,582 --> 00:16:15,416
That's not where I want to go."

325
00:16:15,483 --> 00:16:17,984
"Look not only
to his own interests."

326
00:16:18,051 --> 00:16:20,818
And selfish people want to
marry somebody just like them

327
00:16:20,885 --> 00:16:23,319
so they always get their way.

328
00:16:23,386 --> 00:16:27,487
"I like Chinese food
and rock climbing and, yeah,

329
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:29,321
"never being told I'm wrong.

330
00:16:29,388 --> 00:16:31,121
"Are you like that?

331
00:16:31,188 --> 00:16:35,522
"Then I should marry you, so
that I can always have exactly

332
00:16:35,589 --> 00:16:39,023
"what I want, because I'm
a very selfish person.

333
00:16:39,090 --> 00:16:41,224
"I don't want to marry
anyone different than me,

334
00:16:41,291 --> 00:16:45,692
because that would mean I would
have to accommodate them."

335
00:16:45,759 --> 00:16:48,526
"Let each of you look not
only to his own interests,

336
00:16:48,593 --> 00:16:50,327
"but also to
the interests of others.

337
00:16:50,394 --> 00:16:52,527
Have this mind among
yourselves--"

338
00:16:52,594 --> 00:16:55,628
See, repentance and change,
it begins in the mind.

339
00:16:55,695 --> 00:16:58,029
You have to start
thinking differently,

340
00:16:58,096 --> 00:17:02,830
before you can start
acting differently.

341
00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:07,032
It goes on to say, "which
is yours in Christ Jesus."

342
00:17:07,099 --> 00:17:11,633
If you are a Christian, if you
are in Christ positionally and

343
00:17:11,700 --> 00:17:14,834
Christ is in you practically
through the person and work

344
00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:18,835
of the Holy Spirit,
you can have a new mind.

345
00:17:18,902 --> 00:17:22,136
Now, if you're not a Christian,
you don't have access

346
00:17:22,203 --> 00:17:25,937
to the Holy Spirit to start to
think like Jesus Christ

347
00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:29,338
and subsequently act
like Jesus Christ.

348
00:17:29,405 --> 00:17:32,606
But if you are in Christ
positionally and practically,

349
00:17:32,673 --> 00:17:34,840
you can have a change of mind.

350
00:17:34,907 --> 00:17:36,607
So, let me say this.

351
00:17:36,674 --> 00:17:39,008
Don't just say,
"I'm a selfish person.

352
00:17:39,075 --> 00:17:41,109
"I was raised in
a selfish family.

353
00:17:41,176 --> 00:17:42,942
"I always got
taken advantage of.

354
00:17:43,009 --> 00:17:46,843
"Now it's time for me.
This is my ethnic heritage.

355
00:17:46,910 --> 00:17:51,011
"We just tend to be this way.
This is my personality.

356
00:17:51,078 --> 00:17:56,880
I took a test, and I'm a J-E-R-K
on the personality test."

357
00:18:00,181 --> 00:18:03,048
All right, instead
it's like, okay,

358
00:18:03,115 --> 00:18:06,649
I want to have
the mind of Jesus,

359
00:18:06,716 --> 00:18:08,850
"who, though he was
in the form of God--"

360
00:18:08,917 --> 00:18:10,650
He's the same as God the Father,

361
00:18:10,717 --> 00:18:13,318
all the same attributes
of God the Father

362
00:18:13,385 --> 00:18:15,151
and God the Holy Spirit.

363
00:18:15,218 --> 00:18:20,620
He's God, Creator of heaven
and earth, eternally existing.

364
00:18:20,687 --> 00:18:24,154
He "did not count equality with
God a thing to be grasped."

365
00:18:24,221 --> 00:18:27,855
He didn't say, "I'm not going
to earth, becoming a person,

366
00:18:27,922 --> 00:18:31,956
"growing up poor, working
a job as a carpenter,

367
00:18:32,023 --> 00:18:36,225
"walking around instead of being
carried on a throne like a king.

368
00:18:36,292 --> 00:18:39,259
"I'm not going to allow people
to betray me and my family

369
00:18:39,326 --> 00:18:44,460
to disown me, and I don't
want to be broke."

370
00:18:44,527 --> 00:18:49,462
Jesus set all of his
rights aside, not as deity,

371
00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:53,263
but he set aside his rights.

372
00:18:53,330 --> 00:18:56,564
He humbled himself.

373
00:18:56,631 --> 00:18:59,965
He emptied himself.

374
00:19:00,032 --> 00:19:04,533
He set aside his rights.

375
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:07,767
He set aside the continual
use of his divine attributes.

376
00:19:07,834 --> 00:19:10,768
He retained them, but he did
not continually use them.

377
00:19:10,835 --> 00:19:13,068
And God lived a life like we do.

378
00:19:13,135 --> 00:19:17,837
He had to learn how to
walk, and talk, and read.

379
00:19:17,904 --> 00:19:20,070
He was gossiped about,
and he was betrayed,

380
00:19:20,137 --> 00:19:22,571
and he was abandoned,
and he bled, and he suffered,

381
00:19:22,638 --> 00:19:26,939
and he was homeless,
and he died.

382
00:19:27,006 --> 00:19:29,473
"By taking the form of a--"
What?

383
00:19:29,540 --> 00:19:34,409
"A servant, being born
in the likeness of men."

384
00:19:37,042 --> 00:19:39,743
If the Holy Spirit is in
you, this is convicting.

385
00:19:39,810 --> 00:19:41,277
Amen?

386
00:19:41,344 --> 00:19:44,878
You say, "Okay,
selfish, proud, got it.

387
00:19:44,945 --> 00:19:50,779
Prone to use my spouse
more than love my spouse."

388
00:19:50,846 --> 00:19:55,581
That's not how Jesus
treats you and I.

389
00:19:55,648 --> 00:19:57,381
He's not proud.

390
00:19:57,448 --> 00:19:58,782
He's humble.

391
00:19:58,849 --> 00:20:00,182
He's not selfish.

392
00:20:00,249 --> 00:20:01,583
He's a servant.

393
00:20:01,650 --> 00:20:05,384
He comes not to
take, but to give.

394
00:20:05,451 --> 00:20:07,584
This is why, friends,
if you're not a Christian,

395
00:20:07,651 --> 00:20:12,153
you need to become a Christian,
because until you're in right

396
00:20:12,220 --> 00:20:15,587
relationship with Jesus
and served by him,

397
00:20:15,654 --> 00:20:18,187
you won't understand
the mind of Christ.

398
00:20:18,254 --> 00:20:20,388
You won't have
the power of Christ.

399
00:20:20,455 --> 00:20:25,857
You can't emulate
the life of Christ.

400
00:20:25,924 --> 00:20:28,991
How does selfishness show up?

401
00:20:29,058 --> 00:20:33,492
Experience shows me that
selfishness is oftentimes

402
00:20:33,559 --> 00:20:37,160
in the little things, the
quote-unquote "little things."

403
00:20:37,227 --> 00:20:41,061
Now, there's a verse of
the Bible that references this,

404
00:20:41,128 --> 00:20:44,395
the great love story,
the Song of Songs 2:15.

405
00:20:44,462 --> 00:20:46,763
They talk about this issue.

406
00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:49,597
"Catch the foxes for us,
the little foxes that spoil

407
00:20:49,664 --> 00:20:51,564
the vineyards."

408
00:20:51,631 --> 00:20:53,665
Now, there's a lot of
viticultural metaphors

409
00:20:53,732 --> 00:20:55,065
in the Bible.

410
00:20:55,132 --> 00:20:57,499
"I am the vine, you are
the branches," Jesus says,

411
00:20:57,566 --> 00:21:00,067
a lot of this vine-
branch imagery.

412
00:21:00,134 --> 00:21:03,468
So, I went actually some
years ago to wine country,

413
00:21:03,535 --> 00:21:08,669
Napa Valley, purely for research
purposes, to the glory of God,

414
00:21:08,736 --> 00:21:12,303
as related to
biblical, exegetical,

415
00:21:12,370 --> 00:21:16,071
theological investigation.

416
00:21:16,138 --> 00:21:18,072
That's why I went.

417
00:21:18,139 --> 00:21:21,006
So, you're welcome,
Baptist friends.

418
00:21:21,073 --> 00:21:22,806
That's why I went.

419
00:21:22,873 --> 00:21:26,707
So, I found a beautiful vineyard

420
00:21:26,775 --> 00:21:29,608
that was run
by a Christian woman.

421
00:21:29,675 --> 00:21:32,376
I think she'd been running
it for a number of years.

422
00:21:32,443 --> 00:21:34,377
She was very sweet
and very nice.

423
00:21:34,444 --> 00:21:38,011
And so she took me on a tour
of the vineyard for a couple of

424
00:21:38,078 --> 00:21:41,012
hours and just was teaching me,
because I don't know anything

425
00:21:41,079 --> 00:21:44,413
about, you know,
vines and branches.

426
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:49,114
And what she said was, you know,
the vines are very valuable and

427
00:21:49,181 --> 00:21:53,482
precious, some have been growing
for decades, very, very old,

428
00:21:53,549 --> 00:21:57,516
very, very valuable,
and very, very fragile.

429
00:21:57,584 --> 00:22:01,018
So, everything needs to be
clipped, and kept, and cut.

430
00:22:01,085 --> 00:22:03,218
It needs to be kept
off the ground,

431
00:22:03,285 --> 00:22:06,519
and it's this very
sensitive, painstaking,

432
00:22:06,586 --> 00:22:12,221
careful process to
cultivate a fruitful vine.

433
00:22:12,288 --> 00:22:15,422
And what she said was one of the
greatest threats to the vineyard

434
00:22:15,489 --> 00:22:19,090
are these small animals that
will sneak in under the fence,

435
00:22:19,157 --> 00:22:22,424
and they'll come in,
in a hidden and unseen way,

436
00:22:22,491 --> 00:22:26,725
and gnaw down toward
the root of the vine,

437
00:22:26,792 --> 00:22:31,326
and kill the whole vine, and
destroy decades of cultivation,

438
00:22:31,393 --> 00:22:34,027
and work, and fruitfulness.

439
00:22:34,094 --> 00:22:36,995
And she said, "It's catching and
keeping out those little animals

440
00:22:37,062 --> 00:22:41,396
that is one of the hardest
jobs of vineyard tending."

441
00:22:41,463 --> 00:22:43,830
That's really helpful.

442
00:22:43,897 --> 00:22:47,131
The Song of Solomon says that
your marriage is like a vine.

443
00:22:47,198 --> 00:22:49,532
You've got to prune
it, and tend to it,

444
00:22:49,599 --> 00:22:51,432
and you've got to water it,

445
00:22:51,499 --> 00:22:53,333
and you've got to
pull the weeds,

446
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:56,234
and you've got to nurture it
and keep in in healthy soil

447
00:22:56,301 --> 00:22:58,334
and environment, so that
it can be fruitful,

448
00:22:58,401 --> 00:23:01,235
growing in love
and service to God and others.

449
00:23:01,302 --> 00:23:04,936
But there are little foxes that
come in and gnaw at the vine

450
00:23:05,070 --> 00:23:08,337
toward the roots and can
destroy the whole marriage,

451
00:23:08,404 --> 00:23:11,738
as a small animal would--
to use the analogy--

452
00:23:11,805 --> 00:23:13,539
a very precious vine.

453
00:23:13,606 --> 00:23:18,107
See, your marriage is
a very precious vine.

454
00:23:18,174 --> 00:23:22,741
What is that for you, those
little foxes who get into your

455
00:23:22,808 --> 00:23:29,343
vineyard and gnaw at the roots?

456
00:23:29,410 --> 00:23:31,944
What is it?

457
00:23:32,011 --> 00:23:34,712
You say, "Well, it's
not a big thing."

458
00:23:34,779 --> 00:23:37,413
But is it just gnawing away?

459
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:39,446
Is it something they
need to repent of,

460
00:23:39,513 --> 00:23:42,314
or you need to just let go of?

461
00:23:42,381 --> 00:23:47,349
Now, in talking about
selfishness versus servanthood,

462
00:23:47,416 --> 00:23:49,149
I'll say a few things.

463
00:23:49,216 --> 00:23:52,150
Number one, for some of you,
you have the spiritual gift

464
00:23:52,217 --> 00:23:55,651
of serving, so it's going to
come a lot easier for you.

465
00:23:55,718 --> 00:23:57,118
You'll be like, "What?

466
00:23:57,185 --> 00:23:59,219
People don't serve?"

467
00:23:59,286 --> 00:24:01,020
No, you've been so
busy serving them,

468
00:24:01,087 --> 00:24:03,553
you may not notice that
they have never served you.

469
00:24:03,620 --> 00:24:05,554
You have the spiritual
gift of service.

470
00:24:05,621 --> 00:24:07,755
You like to help
people and do things.

471
00:24:07,822 --> 00:24:10,422
Now, for those of you who don't
have the spiritual gift

472
00:24:10,489 --> 00:24:13,056
of service, you can't
say, "It's not my gift.

473
00:24:13,123 --> 00:24:14,824
"God didn't give me that gift.

474
00:24:14,891 --> 00:24:16,957
"Apparently, he doesn't
want you to be served.

475
00:24:17,024 --> 00:24:19,258
"So, you know, talk to
him about this dilemma

476
00:24:19,325 --> 00:24:21,626
you find yourself in."

477
00:24:21,693 --> 00:24:24,927
Instead, all Christians
are called to be servants.

478
00:24:24,994 --> 00:24:29,561
It's a high honor, because it's
an office that Jesus held

479
00:24:29,628 --> 00:24:31,862
for us.

480
00:24:31,929 --> 00:24:34,963
Now, a couple of things
regarding being a servant

481
00:24:35,030 --> 00:24:36,830
versus selfish.

482
00:24:36,897 --> 00:24:40,231
Number one, if you have
a child-centered home,

483
00:24:40,298 --> 00:24:42,365
you will think you're
serving your spouse

484
00:24:42,432 --> 00:24:45,966
because you're
serving your family.

485
00:24:46,033 --> 00:24:47,566
Okay?

486
00:24:47,633 --> 00:24:50,567
You'll say, "No, no, I
really do serve my spouse."

487
00:24:50,634 --> 00:24:52,268
What do you mean?

488
00:24:52,335 --> 00:24:54,268
"Well, you know,
I help with the kids,

489
00:24:54,335 --> 00:24:55,969
"and I run them
to Little League,

490
00:24:56,036 --> 00:24:59,170
"and I do this around the house,
and we have a good family,

491
00:24:59,237 --> 00:25:00,937
and I'm really committed
to our family."

492
00:25:01,004 --> 00:25:03,671
This is a common Christian myth:
"If I'm serving our children,

493
00:25:03,738 --> 00:25:06,272
if I'm serving our family,
I'm serving my spouse."

494
00:25:06,339 --> 00:25:08,439
Not necessarily.

495
00:25:08,506 --> 00:25:11,373
You can have a child-centered
home that neglects the marriage,

496
00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:14,574
and this is why some couples,
it looks like they've got this

497
00:25:14,641 --> 00:25:17,442
awesome family, maybe even
this great Christian family.

498
00:25:17,509 --> 00:25:19,042
The kids grow up and leave,

499
00:25:19,109 --> 00:25:21,976
and it all falls apart
for mom and dad.

500
00:25:22,043 --> 00:25:23,444
They got divorced.

501
00:25:23,511 --> 00:25:24,977
They committed adultery.

502
00:25:25,044 --> 00:25:26,578
They lived parallel lives.

503
00:25:26,645 --> 00:25:28,145
They don't really
like each other.

504
00:25:28,212 --> 00:25:29,779
They're back-to-back or
maybe shoulder-to-shoulder,

505
00:25:29,846 --> 00:25:32,079
but they're not face-to-face
with their friendship.

506
00:25:32,146 --> 00:25:33,680
You say, "What happened?"

507
00:25:33,747 --> 00:25:35,680
Oh, they were both
serving the family.

508
00:25:35,747 --> 00:25:37,248
They were both serving the kids.

509
00:25:37,315 --> 00:25:40,349
Once the kids left, they
didn't have a relationship of

510
00:25:40,416 --> 00:25:44,283
servanthood toward one another.

511
00:25:44,350 --> 00:25:48,484
Number two, some people have
a business-centered marriage.

512
00:25:48,551 --> 00:25:50,685
They're both serving
the business.

513
00:25:50,752 --> 00:25:52,785
They're in business together,
working in the company,

514
00:25:52,852 --> 00:25:54,986
trying to make money.

515
00:25:55,053 --> 00:25:56,653
Are you a servant?

516
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:59,387
"Oh, I'm totally a servant.
I'm helping out.

517
00:25:59,454 --> 00:26:00,988
"I'm helping
the family business.

518
00:26:01,055 --> 00:26:02,788
"I'm helping to generate
revenue and income.

519
00:26:02,855 --> 00:26:04,189
Absolutely."

520
00:26:04,256 --> 00:26:07,190
No, that's different
than serving your spouse.

521
00:26:07,257 --> 00:26:10,157
That's shoulder-to-shoulder
working with your spouse,

522
00:26:10,224 --> 00:26:14,559
but that's not face-to-face
serving your spouse.

523
00:26:14,626 --> 00:26:17,593
And thirdly, some have
a ministry-centered marriage,

524
00:26:17,660 --> 00:26:21,261
where there's a lot of serving,
but it's for the purpose of

525
00:26:21,328 --> 00:26:24,562
ministry, not for marriage.

526
00:26:24,629 --> 00:26:27,295
This was the sin of Grace and I.

527
00:26:27,362 --> 00:26:30,963
And as the head of household,
I take responsibility for it.

528
00:26:31,030 --> 00:26:33,797
When we first got married
and we started a ministry

529
00:26:33,864 --> 00:26:36,465
in Seattle, the first
3 years I didn't get paid.

530
00:26:36,532 --> 00:26:38,199
I was a volunteer.

531
00:26:38,266 --> 00:26:39,899
We were flat broke.

532
00:26:39,966 --> 00:26:42,467
We reached a lot of young
20-something college kids.

533
00:26:42,534 --> 00:26:44,567
As a result, everything
was in our house.

534
00:26:44,634 --> 00:26:47,101
We started
the church in our home.

535
00:26:47,168 --> 00:26:49,502
We had the offices in our home.

536
00:26:49,569 --> 00:26:52,070
We had all the Bible
studies in our home.

537
00:26:52,137 --> 00:26:56,504
One year, we had at least 2,000
people come through our home.

538
00:26:56,571 --> 00:26:57,904
Monday night, Bible study.

539
00:26:57,971 --> 00:26:59,305
Tuesday night, Bible study.

540
00:26:59,372 --> 00:27:00,705
Wednesday night, Bible study.

541
00:27:00,772 --> 00:27:02,106
Thursday night, Bible study.

542
00:27:02,173 --> 00:27:03,506
I'm leading the church.

543
00:27:03,573 --> 00:27:05,173
Grace is running
the women's ministry.

544
00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:06,707
We're doing all
the premarital counseling.

545
00:27:06,774 --> 00:27:08,207
I'm officiating
all the weddings,

546
00:27:08,274 --> 00:27:09,608
preaching on Sunday,

547
00:27:09,675 --> 00:27:11,608
traveling during
the week to make ends meet.

548
00:27:11,675 --> 00:27:13,809
All of a sudden,
the church loses its offices,

549
00:27:13,876 --> 00:27:16,010
so we move the church
secretary into our home.

550
00:27:16,077 --> 00:27:18,477
We've got three, four interns
living in the basement.

551
00:27:18,544 --> 00:27:20,811
The main floor has
the church secretary.

552
00:27:20,878 --> 00:27:25,079
Upstairs is my office, next to
our bedroom, and we have kids.

553
00:27:25,146 --> 00:27:27,113
Two thousand people are
coming through our home,

554
00:27:27,180 --> 00:27:28,913
and people would have looked at
it and said,

555
00:27:28,980 --> 00:27:34,015
"Boy, those people really
serve--" not each other.

556
00:27:34,082 --> 00:27:37,016
We were serving so many people

557
00:27:37,083 --> 00:27:42,017
that we weren't serving
one another well.

558
00:27:42,084 --> 00:27:45,985
And so couples will
use children, business,

559
00:27:46,052 --> 00:27:50,787
or ministry as
idolatry to appear as

560
00:27:50,854 --> 00:27:53,721
humble servants when, in fact,

561
00:27:53,788 --> 00:27:56,521
they're still selfish people,

562
00:27:56,588 --> 00:28:01,590
not caring for their spouse.

563
00:28:01,657 --> 00:28:05,391
So I'm going to ask
you some questions.

564
00:28:05,458 --> 00:28:09,092
Number one, do you consider
your spouse and his or her needs

565
00:28:09,159 --> 00:28:12,226
above your own?

566
00:28:12,293 --> 00:28:18,128
Do you consider your spouse and
his or her needs above your own?

567
00:28:18,195 --> 00:28:20,328
Yes or no?

568
00:28:20,395 --> 00:28:23,296
And does it show up practically
with how the money is spent,

569
00:28:23,363 --> 00:28:25,830
and time is spent, and what
the holidays look like,

570
00:28:25,897 --> 00:28:28,531
and what vacations look like,
and what date night looks like,

571
00:28:28,598 --> 00:28:33,532
and where you live,
and how life is put together?

572
00:28:33,599 --> 00:28:36,300
Or is it always,
"I get what I want,

573
00:28:36,367 --> 00:28:38,134
"and they need
to accommodate me,

574
00:28:38,201 --> 00:28:40,434
"because I'm the bully
in the marriage.

575
00:28:40,501 --> 00:28:42,902
"I'm the drama queen or king.

576
00:28:42,969 --> 00:28:45,736
"I'm the one who is
very vocal and verbal,

577
00:28:45,803 --> 00:28:48,004
"and I can impose my will
on them

578
00:28:48,071 --> 00:28:50,104
"or manipulate them in some way

579
00:28:50,171 --> 00:28:52,505
"to get what I want,
because, ultimately,

580
00:28:52,572 --> 00:28:57,273
I think I'm more
important than they are."

581
00:28:59,207 --> 00:29:01,808
Number two, do you do
the thankless and menial tasks

582
00:29:01,875 --> 00:29:06,042
in love to God and your spouse,
the stuff when nobody's looking,

583
00:29:06,109 --> 00:29:09,043
the kind of jobs that
nobody wants to do?

584
00:29:09,110 --> 00:29:12,144
I will say this
publicly about my wife.

585
00:29:12,211 --> 00:29:16,545
I have never met anyone who
serves as faithfully and humbly

586
00:29:16,612 --> 00:29:19,546
as my wife, without
grumbling or complaining.

587
00:29:19,613 --> 00:29:21,546
She loves being a mom.

588
00:29:21,613 --> 00:29:25,548
We've got five kids,
and she does serve,

589
00:29:25,615 --> 00:29:27,515
and she does not complain.

590
00:29:27,582 --> 00:29:33,250
She is far more mature at this
than I am, far more mature.

591
00:29:33,317 --> 00:29:35,918
Number three, do you humbly
receive instruction

592
00:29:35,985 --> 00:29:37,951
and correction because
you are a sinner?

593
00:29:38,018 --> 00:29:40,819
One of the things that humble
people can receive is

594
00:29:40,886 --> 00:29:42,820
correction and instruction.

595
00:29:42,887 --> 00:29:44,820
"You were wrong.
You could do this better.

596
00:29:44,887 --> 00:29:46,221
"Let's talk about this.

597
00:29:46,288 --> 00:29:48,054
I think you need to
reconsider that."

598
00:29:48,121 --> 00:29:49,822
Proud people, they
can't be corrected,

599
00:29:49,889 --> 00:29:51,555
and they're always the teacher.

600
00:29:51,622 --> 00:29:55,023
They're never the student.

601
00:29:55,090 --> 00:29:59,357
Number four, do you encourage
your spouse more than you

602
00:29:59,424 --> 00:30:03,259
criticize him or her?

603
00:30:03,326 --> 00:30:07,260
Are you building them
up or tearing them down?

604
00:30:07,327 --> 00:30:09,027
Are most of your
words, "Thank you.

605
00:30:09,094 --> 00:30:10,861
"That was great.
I really appreciate it.

606
00:30:10,928 --> 00:30:13,629
"I notice that you
said or did blank.

607
00:30:13,696 --> 00:30:15,762
You know, that
meant a lot to me."

608
00:30:15,829 --> 00:30:18,230
Or is it, "You did it again.
You failed.

609
00:30:18,297 --> 00:30:20,564
"That's a mistake.
That's not how you do it.

610
00:30:20,631 --> 00:30:22,964
That's not right."

611
00:30:23,031 --> 00:30:26,065
Is it mainly encouragement
with the occasional correction,

612
00:30:26,132 --> 00:30:31,734
or is it mainly criticism
with the rare encouragement?

613
00:30:31,801 --> 00:30:34,968
Number five, are you able
to serve and be served?

614
00:30:35,035 --> 00:30:38,469
Humble people not only
serve; they can be served.

615
00:30:38,536 --> 00:30:41,737
Sometimes religiously proud
people, they can serve,

616
00:30:41,804 --> 00:30:43,637
but they can't be served.

617
00:30:43,704 --> 00:30:45,838
And it looks humble,
but it's proud.

618
00:30:45,905 --> 00:30:49,872
Jesus did serve, but on
occasion he was served.

619
00:30:49,939 --> 00:30:52,373
He stayed at Mary and
Martha and Lazarus' house,

620
00:30:52,440 --> 00:30:54,741
and they loved him,
and they would feed him,

621
00:30:54,808 --> 00:30:57,741
and look after him, and tend
to him, and care for him,

622
00:30:57,808 --> 00:30:59,142
and he allowed that.

623
00:30:59,209 --> 00:31:00,542
He'd send guys ahead.

624
00:31:00,609 --> 00:31:01,943
"Go find this room.

625
00:31:02,010 --> 00:31:03,943
Set it up for this
meal and ceremony."

626
00:31:04,010 --> 00:31:07,377
He would allow them to go
ahead and to set it up for him.

627
00:31:07,444 --> 00:31:09,378
Jesus didn't go through his
whole life saying,

628
00:31:09,445 --> 00:31:10,878
"No, no, no. I'm the servant.

629
00:31:10,945 --> 00:31:12,279
"I always serve.

630
00:31:12,346 --> 00:31:14,279
I'm the server.
I'm not the servee."

631
00:31:14,346 --> 00:31:16,047
If you're married to
someone like that,

632
00:31:16,114 --> 00:31:19,481
I want that person who likes
to serve, but won't be served,

633
00:31:19,548 --> 00:31:22,382
to know that you're
selfish, and you're proud.

634
00:31:22,449 --> 00:31:25,950
Even though you're looking like
a servant, it's still about you

635
00:31:26,017 --> 00:31:29,384
because you're not allowing your
spouse the opportunity to have

636
00:31:29,451 --> 00:31:35,152
the same joy that you have when
you serve, and that's selfish.

637
00:31:35,219 --> 00:31:38,786
This was an issue in
our marriage for years.

638
00:31:38,853 --> 00:31:40,554
"Grace, what do
you want to eat?"

639
00:31:40,621 --> 00:31:42,287
"I don't care;
whatever you want."

640
00:31:42,355 --> 00:31:43,788
"Where do you want to go?"

641
00:31:43,855 --> 00:31:45,989
"I don't care.
Where do you want to go?"

642
00:31:46,056 --> 00:31:47,989
"What do you want
to watch on TV?"

643
00:31:48,056 --> 00:31:50,190
"I don't care.
What do you want to watch?"

644
00:31:50,257 --> 00:31:52,691
It was like, "Is there
anything I can do?"

645
00:31:52,758 --> 00:31:54,591
"Nope."

646
00:31:54,658 --> 00:31:56,692
"Then why am I here?"

647
00:31:56,759 --> 00:32:00,393
Like, you know, like, that's
what I'm thinking, you know.

648
00:32:00,460 --> 00:32:02,393
Like, "I want to serve you.

649
00:32:02,460 --> 00:32:03,894
"I want to do something.

650
00:32:03,961 --> 00:32:06,695
I want to be a blessing."

651
00:32:06,762 --> 00:32:10,096
Can you serve and be served?

652
00:32:10,163 --> 00:32:12,296
Number six, do you continually
ask the Holy Spirit

653
00:32:12,363 --> 00:32:13,797
to make you like Jesus?

654
00:32:13,864 --> 00:32:16,297
Because this is going to
take a miracle, right?

655
00:32:16,364 --> 00:32:19,999
It's going to take a miracle for
a proud person to become humble,

656
00:32:20,066 --> 00:32:22,066
for a selfish person
to become a servant.

657
00:32:22,133 --> 00:32:23,700
It's going to take a miracle.

658
00:32:23,767 --> 00:32:25,700
So, you've got to
always be asking, right,

659
00:32:25,767 --> 00:32:27,601
clothing yourself with humility,

660
00:32:27,668 --> 00:32:33,703
"Holy Spirit, please make
me more like Jesus today.

661
00:32:33,770 --> 00:32:36,103
"As I'm being served,
let me be thankful

662
00:32:36,170 --> 00:32:38,871
"and grateful and encourage.

663
00:32:38,938 --> 00:32:42,372
"Let me see opportunities
to serve and do so humbly,

664
00:32:42,439 --> 00:32:46,273
lovingly, and gladly."

665
00:32:46,340 --> 00:32:49,274
Some of you say, "I thought
we were going to talk about

666
00:32:49,341 --> 00:32:50,674
intimacy in the bedroom."

667
00:32:50,742 --> 00:32:52,208
Let me tell you the truth.

668
00:32:52,275 --> 00:32:54,709
Most of the problems
in the bedroom are the result

669
00:32:54,776 --> 00:32:57,209
of problems
outside of the bedroom.

670
00:32:57,276 --> 00:33:01,778
If you are humble servants
out of the bedroom,

671
00:33:01,845 --> 00:33:07,612
that will translate
into the bedroom, right?

672
00:33:07,679 --> 00:33:10,413
So, we'll talk about
servant lovers, lastly,

673
00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:15,015
out of 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

674
00:33:15,082 --> 00:33:18,416
"The husband should give to his
wife her conjugal rights,"

675
00:33:18,483 --> 00:33:23,017
this is marital intimacy,
being together,

676
00:33:23,084 --> 00:33:26,718
"and likewise the wife
to her husband."

677
00:33:26,785 --> 00:33:31,787
A couple should be intimate
freely, frequently,

678
00:33:31,854 --> 00:33:34,420
according to the Bible.

679
00:33:34,487 --> 00:33:37,221
"For the wife does not have
authority over her own body,

680
00:33:37,288 --> 00:33:38,622
"but the husband does.

681
00:33:38,689 --> 00:33:40,622
"Likewise the husband does not
have authority

682
00:33:40,689 --> 00:33:42,623
over his own body,
but the wife does."

683
00:33:42,690 --> 00:33:46,024
When you get married, you
become one, and he serves her,

684
00:33:46,091 --> 00:33:51,225
she serves him outside of
the bedroom and in the bedroom,

685
00:33:51,292 --> 00:33:54,626
not keeping a record,
but loving, serving,

686
00:33:54,693 --> 00:33:57,627
caring for one another
in various ways

687
00:33:57,694 --> 00:34:00,995
that does include
your martial intimacy.

688
00:34:01,062 --> 00:34:03,696
And I'm not saying that
there should ever be abuse,

689
00:34:03,763 --> 00:34:06,197
that someone should
violate their conscious,

690
00:34:06,264 --> 00:34:09,297
that if there is sin outside
of the bedroom or harshness,

691
00:34:09,365 --> 00:34:13,632
then that means that the person
you're married to can't say no.

692
00:34:13,699 --> 00:34:15,432
I'm not saying that

693
00:34:15,499 --> 00:34:18,033
there aren't extenuating
circumstances sometimes that

694
00:34:18,100 --> 00:34:21,301
would cause the marriage
to benefit from a break,

695
00:34:21,368 --> 00:34:24,535
which we'll come to in just
a moment, but I'm saying

696
00:34:24,602 --> 00:34:27,436
the typical pattern
of a marriage is,

697
00:34:27,503 --> 00:34:29,536
"I belong to you,
you belong to me.

698
00:34:29,603 --> 00:34:31,204
"I serve you, you serve me.

699
00:34:31,271 --> 00:34:34,705
"I want to take care of you,
you want to take care of me,

700
00:34:34,772 --> 00:34:36,706
"outside of the bedroom
and in the bedroom.

701
00:34:36,773 --> 00:34:41,340
By the grace of God, we want
to grow to be humble servants."

702
00:34:41,407 --> 00:34:44,741
And then he continues.

703
00:34:44,808 --> 00:34:47,809
He says,
"Do not deprive one another,

704
00:34:47,876 --> 00:34:51,843
except perhaps by agreement,"

705
00:34:51,910 --> 00:34:54,944
some of your translations will
say, "by mutual consent,"

706
00:34:55,011 --> 00:34:56,644
"for a limited time,

707
00:34:56,711 --> 00:34:58,345
"that you may devote
yourselves to prayer;

708
00:34:58,412 --> 00:35:01,413
"but then come together again,
so that Satan may not tempt you

709
00:35:01,480 --> 00:35:02,946
because of your lack
of self-control."

710
00:35:03,013 --> 00:35:06,347
That a couple
should be together regularly,

711
00:35:06,414 --> 00:35:10,715
and if they've got a big problem
in the marriage that is causing

712
00:35:10,782 --> 00:35:16,650
trouble, trial, then they can,
if they agree, say, "Right now,

713
00:35:16,717 --> 00:35:19,651
"this issue is so big,
we've got to work on it.

714
00:35:19,718 --> 00:35:23,019
"Let's work on it for a while,
for a limited time,

715
00:35:23,086 --> 00:35:25,253
"not indefinitely, so that
bitterness and Satan

716
00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:27,053
"get involved.

717
00:35:27,120 --> 00:35:29,154
"Let's pray through this.
Let's work through this.

718
00:35:29,221 --> 00:35:31,354
"Let's forgive this.
Let's give this to Jesus.

719
00:35:31,422 --> 00:35:32,922
"Let's meet with a pastor.

720
00:35:32,989 --> 00:35:34,622
"Let's meet with
a biblical counselor,

721
00:35:34,689 --> 00:35:40,591
so then we can resume normal,
frequent marital intimacy."

722
00:35:42,925 --> 00:35:45,459
Now, statistically,
the younger the couple,

723
00:35:45,526 --> 00:35:47,959
the more they are intimate
together,

724
00:35:48,026 --> 00:35:50,327
two to three times a week
is an average.

725
00:35:50,394 --> 00:35:52,061
As a couple gets older,

726
00:35:52,128 --> 00:35:54,661
it becomes statistically
less frequent.

727
00:35:54,728 --> 00:35:57,262
Depending upon what
survey you read,

728
00:35:57,329 --> 00:36:03,264
15%-20% of couples do not have
a sex life in their marriage,

729
00:36:03,331 --> 00:36:06,032
15%-20%.

730
00:36:06,099 --> 00:36:11,166
This means they're together
once a month or less.

731
00:36:11,233 --> 00:36:14,634
Some, it is zero times a year.

732
00:36:14,701 --> 00:36:18,235
I actually know people, some
ministry leaders that they

733
00:36:18,302 --> 00:36:20,669
have not been intimate
with the spouse

734
00:36:20,736 --> 00:36:25,270
they're still married to
in over a decade.

735
00:36:25,337 --> 00:36:27,871
Because in Christianity, we will
discipline people for going

736
00:36:27,938 --> 00:36:29,972
too far:
"You committed adultery."

737
00:36:30,039 --> 00:36:32,372
We don't discipline people
for not going far enough:

738
00:36:32,439 --> 00:36:35,273
"What's wrong with
your marriage?

739
00:36:35,340 --> 00:36:36,874
"Satan has gotten in there.

740
00:36:36,941 --> 00:36:38,774
"He's sleeping between
you in the bed.

741
00:36:38,841 --> 00:36:42,175
"That's why you just literally
go back-to-back

742
00:36:42,242 --> 00:36:46,176
"with enough distance to leave
room for the great dragon

743
00:36:46,243 --> 00:36:48,577
"to slip in between
the two of you

744
00:36:48,644 --> 00:36:53,713
and keep
the bitterness as cold as ever."

745
00:36:56,613 --> 00:36:59,247
There are extenuating
circumstances:

746
00:36:59,314 --> 00:37:03,481
You just had a baby, spouse is
deployed for military,

747
00:37:03,548 --> 00:37:07,983
there's a big sin you're
working through in the marriage.

748
00:37:08,050 --> 00:37:10,684
But there are also
sinful circumstances:

749
00:37:10,751 --> 00:37:12,751
"I'm selfish.
I'm lazy.

750
00:37:12,818 --> 00:37:15,285
"I'm bitter.

751
00:37:15,352 --> 00:37:19,353
I'd rather be into
pornography or adultery."

752
00:37:19,420 --> 00:37:23,987
Weird things like,
"We put the dog in our bed."

753
00:37:24,054 --> 00:37:25,988
I had a counseling
appointment recently.

754
00:37:26,055 --> 00:37:27,989
They're like, "Yeah, we're
not intimate very much."

755
00:37:28,056 --> 00:37:29,389
"How come?"

756
00:37:29,456 --> 00:37:31,690
"Well, the kids
and the dog sleep with us."

757
00:37:31,757 --> 00:37:33,090
"What?"

758
00:37:33,157 --> 00:37:37,791
Yeah, that would
be a mood killer.

759
00:37:37,858 --> 00:37:40,092
The kids need to sleep
in their bed; otherwise,

760
00:37:40,159 --> 00:37:42,393
they're going to figure
out how they got here.

761
00:37:42,460 --> 00:37:43,793
Right?

762
00:37:43,860 --> 00:37:46,894
It's just, it's not right.

763
00:37:46,961 --> 00:37:48,862
And the dog's a weird one.

764
00:37:48,929 --> 00:37:53,096
Like, the dog's in the--like, I
won't continue to talk about it,

765
00:37:53,163 --> 00:37:55,397
but I threw up in my mouth

766
00:37:55,464 --> 00:38:01,565
a little bit
just thinking about it.

767
00:38:01,632 --> 00:38:05,600
And sometimes it leads
to two separate beds

768
00:38:05,667 --> 00:38:07,200
and two separate rooms.

769
00:38:07,267 --> 00:38:10,268
One of the growing trends in
construction of new homes for

770
00:38:10,335 --> 00:38:15,603
affluent couples is two master
bedrooms with two master closets

771
00:38:15,670 --> 00:38:18,803
and two master bathrooms,
one for him, one for her.

772
00:38:18,870 --> 00:38:21,271
Friends, that's
roommates, not soul mates.

773
00:38:21,338 --> 00:38:24,605
That's two, not one.

774
00:38:24,672 --> 00:38:28,106
That's not humble servants.

775
00:38:28,173 --> 00:38:32,407
That's proud, selfish sinners
saying, "I live over here,

776
00:38:32,474 --> 00:38:33,875
"you live over there,

777
00:38:33,942 --> 00:38:36,476
"and as long as we don't
have to be together,

778
00:38:36,543 --> 00:38:39,176
then we'll be fine."

779
00:38:39,243 --> 00:38:42,710
So, my closing question
to you is this.

780
00:38:42,777 --> 00:38:46,579
On a scale from
proud and selfish

781
00:38:46,646 --> 00:38:51,413
to humble servant,

782
00:38:51,480 --> 00:38:56,982
from a one to a ten,

783
00:38:57,049 --> 00:39:00,416
how would you rate yourself?

784
00:39:00,483 --> 00:39:03,383
"Man, I am really proud
and really selfish,

785
00:39:03,451 --> 00:39:06,017
"and the truth is that's
probably the underlying issue

786
00:39:06,084 --> 00:39:09,185
for much of our marriage."

787
00:39:09,252 --> 00:39:12,719
How would your spouse rate you?

788
00:39:12,786 --> 00:39:19,121
Or would you say, "In the grace
of God, I'm a humble servant,

789
00:39:19,188 --> 00:39:22,122
"and I'm married to
a humble servant.

790
00:39:22,189 --> 00:39:24,990
"And if Jesus is perfect,
we're not there,

791
00:39:25,057 --> 00:39:26,723
"but in the grace of God,

792
00:39:26,790 --> 00:39:31,192
we're becoming
more like him together."

793
00:39:31,259 --> 00:39:33,692
I'm going to pray
for you and bring Grace out,

794
00:39:33,759 --> 00:39:35,693
and we'll take some questions,
because these are

795
00:39:35,760 --> 00:39:38,727
categorical issues, but they
have practical implications.

796
00:39:38,794 --> 00:39:40,927
Father God, I pray against
the enemy, his servants,

797
00:39:40,994 --> 00:39:43,328
their works and effects.

798
00:39:43,395 --> 00:39:46,529
God, we acknowledge
that pride is satanic.

799
00:39:46,596 --> 00:39:48,430
It's demonic.

800
00:39:48,497 --> 00:39:51,998
It's what caused your enemy and
ours to think that he was worthy

801
00:39:52,065 --> 00:39:57,132
of glory, to declare war on you,
to lead a rebellion in heaven,

802
00:39:57,199 --> 00:39:59,100
to take that rebellion
to the earth,

803
00:39:59,167 --> 00:40:02,334
and to invite us
to sign up for his army,

804
00:40:02,401 --> 00:40:06,235
and to join in his
war against you.

805
00:40:06,302 --> 00:40:08,436
And God, we can call it
self-esteem

806
00:40:08,503 --> 00:40:11,736
or a high self-image,

807
00:40:11,803 --> 00:40:15,738
but, God, it's just good,
old-fashioned pride.

808
00:40:15,805 --> 00:40:19,806
And, God, we confess that we're
all proud and selfish

809
00:40:19,873 --> 00:40:22,240
by nature and choice.

810
00:40:22,307 --> 00:40:24,840
We thank you
for the Lord Jesus Christ,

811
00:40:24,907 --> 00:40:28,541
who came as our humble servant

812
00:40:28,608 --> 00:40:32,309
and continues to be
a humble servant.

813
00:40:32,377 --> 00:40:35,510
And, God, I pray this would
not be just for us theology

814
00:40:35,577 --> 00:40:39,312
but testimony, that this would
impact and affect

815
00:40:39,379 --> 00:40:43,046
all of our relationships,
but particularly our marriages.

816
00:40:43,113 --> 00:40:45,613
I pray for those who
are single, Lord God,

817
00:40:45,680 --> 00:40:49,047
that they would see how
incredibly selfish they are.

818
00:40:49,114 --> 00:40:50,748
Their money is spent on them.

819
00:40:50,815 --> 00:40:52,515
Their time is devoted to them.

820
00:40:52,582 --> 00:40:56,950
All their worries
are about them.

821
00:40:57,017 --> 00:41:00,251
Lord God, I pray for
parents, that by your grace,

822
00:41:00,318 --> 00:41:06,052
we would raise children to
know that selfishness is a sin,

823
00:41:06,119 --> 00:41:12,421
that pride is a sin, and
that it harms relationships,

824
00:41:12,488 --> 00:41:15,755
and it leaves a bitter legacy.

825
00:41:15,822 --> 00:41:18,756
And, God, for those of us who
are married--and I confess, God,

826
00:41:18,823 --> 00:41:23,457
as Paul says, chief of
hypocrites--proud for years,

827
00:41:23,524 --> 00:41:26,258
thinking I was more
important than Grace,

828
00:41:26,325 --> 00:41:30,126
doing more important
things, and selfish,

829
00:41:30,193 --> 00:41:33,527
wanting her to make
my life easier,

830
00:41:33,594 --> 00:41:37,061
without being nearly as
concerned on how I might be

831
00:41:37,128 --> 00:41:40,329
a blessing to her
and make her life better.

832
00:41:40,396 --> 00:41:43,063
God, I ask for us all
that this attitude,

833
00:41:43,130 --> 00:41:45,764
this mind of Christ
could be ours,

834
00:41:45,831 --> 00:41:48,765
both out of the bedroom
and in the bedroom,

835
00:41:48,832 --> 00:41:52,233
and we acknowledge that most of
the problems in the bedroom

836
00:41:52,300 --> 00:41:55,467
are the result of problems
outside of the bedroom,

837
00:41:55,534 --> 00:41:59,868
and underlying those problems
are selfishness and pride,

838
00:41:59,935 --> 00:42:03,269
which we ask by the grace that
Jesus gives to put to death

839
00:42:03,336 --> 00:42:05,170
for his glory and our good.

840
00:42:05,237 --> 00:42:06,770
Amen.

841
00:42:06,837 --> 00:42:09,971
I'm going to go get Gracie.

842
00:42:10,038 --> 00:42:15,040
[applauding]

843
00:42:16,140 --> 00:42:18,874
All right, you ready?

844
00:42:18,941 --> 00:42:21,441
Okay.
Okay.

845
00:42:21,508 --> 00:42:24,075
Can you scoot over
just a little bit?

846
00:42:24,142 --> 00:42:28,543
I am too thick,
and I'm going to fall off.

847
00:42:28,610 --> 00:42:32,045
And then I'm going
to end up on YouTube.

848
00:42:32,112 --> 00:42:35,846
Thank you for
serving me by scooting over.

849
00:42:35,913 --> 00:42:38,346
"I find it unrealistic
that sex should be saved

850
00:42:38,413 --> 00:42:39,947
"for after marriage.

851
00:42:40,014 --> 00:42:45,381
Shouldn't we be
sexually compatible?"

852
00:42:45,448 --> 00:42:48,382
Well, the Scriptures tell us
to be pure before marriage

853
00:42:48,449 --> 00:42:52,784
and keep the marriage
bed pure, and--what?

854
00:42:52,851 --> 00:42:54,484
You're just so cute.

855
00:42:54,551 --> 00:42:56,285
I don't know.

856
00:42:56,352 --> 00:42:58,485
I kind of forgot we
were doing an event.

857
00:42:58,552 --> 00:42:59,986
I'm sorry.

858
00:43:00,053 --> 00:43:03,387
I'm just sort of--I
apologize, you know.

859
00:43:03,454 --> 00:43:06,522
What was the question?

860
00:43:06,588 --> 00:43:08,022
I don't know.

861
00:43:08,088 --> 00:43:10,056
That was--

862
00:43:10,123 --> 00:43:11,556
Okay.

863
00:43:11,623 --> 00:43:14,624
"And do not awaken love before
its time," in Song of Solomon.

864
00:43:14,690 --> 00:43:17,925
There's lots of Scriptures
that reference sexuality

865
00:43:17,991 --> 00:43:19,858
and keeping it in marriage.

866
00:43:19,926 --> 00:43:22,259
It's the safe place
for sexuality

867
00:43:22,326 --> 00:43:25,227
because it's the most intimate
thing you can do with someone.

868
00:43:25,293 --> 00:43:28,361
And to do that with someone
that you're not in covenant with

869
00:43:28,428 --> 00:43:30,262
is dangerous.

870
00:43:30,329 --> 00:43:33,262
It's not, it's just
not a safe thing,

871
00:43:33,329 --> 00:43:37,164
and God gives us those commands
to protect us from putting

872
00:43:37,231 --> 00:43:40,097
ourselves in unsafe situations.

873
00:43:40,164 --> 00:43:45,699
Both emotionally and physically,
there's a lot of abuse in, like,

874
00:43:45,766 --> 00:43:47,600
couples that live together.

875
00:43:47,667 --> 00:43:50,500
There's a high percentage
of abuse with couples

876
00:43:50,567 --> 00:43:53,101
that are sexually active,
living together.

877
00:43:53,168 --> 00:43:55,102
So, God knows the best way.

878
00:43:55,169 --> 00:43:58,203
He created it the best way
and wants that for us

879
00:43:58,270 --> 00:44:01,171
because it protects us
emotionally and physically.

880
00:44:01,238 --> 00:44:06,772
And it's selfish to even want
to take that from someone

881
00:44:06,839 --> 00:44:08,740
or participate in
that from someone,

882
00:44:08,806 --> 00:44:12,674
if you don't know that that's
going to be your spouse someday.

883
00:44:12,741 --> 00:44:18,543
And I would say this
dude's a porn head.

884
00:44:18,609 --> 00:44:20,843
This dude's a porn head.

885
00:44:20,909 --> 00:44:26,478
He's watched a lot of porn,
and he's had other people,

886
00:44:26,545 --> 00:44:30,046
via technology, perform
for him sexually,

887
00:44:30,112 --> 00:44:33,280
and he wants to take that
same mind into marriage.

888
00:44:33,347 --> 00:44:35,781
"Well, I want to see
my wife in action,

889
00:44:35,848 --> 00:44:39,182
"and I want to make sure that,
you know, she does what I like,

890
00:44:39,249 --> 00:44:43,016
and I want to make sure
that I get what I want."

891
00:44:43,083 --> 00:44:46,584
I mean, first of all,
are you a Christian?

892
00:44:46,651 --> 00:44:51,918
Because that's completely
selfish and sinful.

893
00:44:51,985 --> 00:44:55,519
It's the height of
arrogance and pride.

894
00:44:55,586 --> 00:44:58,987
It's assuming you're the world's
greatest, most amazing lover,

895
00:44:59,054 --> 00:45:02,188
and you need somebody
who's ready to do

896
00:45:02,255 --> 00:45:06,657
Cirque du Soleil for you.

897
00:45:10,358 --> 00:45:12,691
That was a good one.

898
00:45:12,758 --> 00:45:16,826
[laughing]

899
00:45:20,161 --> 00:45:23,095
Number two, this
is basically saying,

900
00:45:23,162 --> 00:45:26,262
"I want to try on people
sexually and see which one

901
00:45:26,328 --> 00:45:30,164
I like after I compare
them with one another."

902
00:45:30,230 --> 00:45:31,664
I'll tell you what.

903
00:45:31,730 --> 00:45:33,598
Everything looks different
when you have a daughter.

904
00:45:33,665 --> 00:45:36,098
Right, dads?

905
00:45:36,165 --> 00:45:39,366
Right?

906
00:45:39,432 --> 00:45:41,833
If this guy came
to my house and said,

907
00:45:41,900 --> 00:45:45,434
"There's a number of women that
I'm willing to explore sexually

908
00:45:45,501 --> 00:45:49,435
"to see which one performs
up to my standards.

909
00:45:49,502 --> 00:45:54,437
And, congratulations, your
daughter has made the list."

910
00:45:54,504 --> 00:45:57,438
I would take everything I've
learned from watching CSI

911
00:45:57,505 --> 00:46:01,239
on how to hide a body.

912
00:46:01,306 --> 00:46:05,107
I would use it.

913
00:46:11,776 --> 00:46:13,909
That was good, too.

914
00:46:13,976 --> 00:46:16,277
[laughing]

915
00:46:16,343 --> 00:46:19,778
And thirdly,

916
00:46:19,844 --> 00:46:24,780
if you don't compare your spouse
to others,

917
00:46:24,846 --> 00:46:28,281
how will you know if
you're not compatible?

918
00:46:28,347 --> 00:46:30,014
We had friends in college.

919
00:46:30,081 --> 00:46:33,015
I was a new Christian and had
been sexually active before

920
00:46:33,082 --> 00:46:36,116
marriage, and then God saved
me and changed my mind,

921
00:46:36,183 --> 00:46:39,984
and I'll never forget this
buddy of mine in college.

922
00:46:40,050 --> 00:46:41,517
He loved Jesus.

923
00:46:41,584 --> 00:46:42,985
He was a virgin.

924
00:46:43,051 --> 00:46:44,718
To me, that was like a unicorn.

925
00:46:44,785 --> 00:46:46,719
Like, I'd heard about them

926
00:46:46,786 --> 00:46:50,020
but I had never seen one.

927
00:46:50,087 --> 00:46:51,820
I didn't know they were real.

928
00:46:51,887 --> 00:46:55,522
I thought these were
mythical creatures.

929
00:46:55,589 --> 00:46:59,190
He had never
kissed a girl,

930
00:46:59,256 --> 00:47:01,723
and he was engaged
to be married.

931
00:47:01,790 --> 00:47:05,491
And I remember he gave a lecture
in, like, one of our classes,

932
00:47:05,557 --> 00:47:09,393
defending purity before marriage
and chastity in marriage.

933
00:47:09,459 --> 00:47:12,694
And he said, "Now, I'm not going
to kiss my--I'm not going to

934
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:15,094
"kiss any woman until
I kiss my wife

935
00:47:15,160 --> 00:47:18,595
when I say 'I do' on the altar."

936
00:47:18,661 --> 00:47:21,896
And I thought, "That's amazing."

937
00:47:21,962 --> 00:47:25,863
Now, as a dad, I'm like,
I hope he had sons,

938
00:47:25,930 --> 00:47:28,498
because I want them
to meet my daughter.

939
00:47:28,564 --> 00:47:31,499
You know, like, I want her to
marry somebody who cherishes and

940
00:47:31,565 --> 00:47:37,567
honors her like that and isn't
treating my daughter like,

941
00:47:37,634 --> 00:47:40,602
you know, some athlete in
a competition to perform

942
00:47:40,668 --> 00:47:42,935
for a judge.

943
00:47:43,002 --> 00:47:48,604
And then some frat guy raised
his hand and joked and said,

944
00:47:48,670 --> 00:47:52,038
"Well, how do you know
if she's any good?"

945
00:47:52,105 --> 00:47:54,906
And his answer,
my buddy's answer was,

946
00:47:54,972 --> 00:47:59,407
"How will I know if she's bad?"

947
00:47:59,473 --> 00:48:01,241
It's like, "Yeah,

948
00:48:01,308 --> 00:48:05,042
good point."

949
00:48:05,109 --> 00:48:07,376
"I have never had
a piece of cake.

950
00:48:07,443 --> 00:48:09,476
"This was my first piece of cake.

951
00:48:09,543 --> 00:48:11,677
Seems like a good cake."

952
00:48:11,744 --> 00:48:17,178
[laughing]

953
00:48:17,245 --> 00:48:21,780
"It's better than
the cake I wasn't eating."

954
00:48:30,249 --> 00:48:34,217
That was good, too.

955
00:48:34,283 --> 00:48:38,485
Thanks, babe.

956
00:48:38,552 --> 00:48:41,453
Anything you would add?
I just--

957
00:48:41,520 --> 00:48:43,020
No.

958
00:48:43,086 --> 00:48:44,720
No, you're good?
No, okay.

959
00:48:44,787 --> 00:48:46,954
All right, you can
do the next one.

960
00:48:47,021 --> 00:48:49,055
"How do you go
from a brutal relationship,

961
00:48:49,122 --> 00:48:50,655
"two selfish people,

962
00:48:50,722 --> 00:48:52,723
"to a servant lover relationship
without going into

963
00:48:52,789 --> 00:48:54,456
an abusive relationship?"

964
00:48:54,523 --> 00:48:57,624
So, two selfish people, and
then how do you get to servant-

965
00:48:57,690 --> 00:49:01,625
servant and not get stuck
with selfish-servant,

966
00:49:01,691 --> 00:49:06,793
so one person is getting
abused and taken advantage of?

967
00:49:06,860 --> 00:49:08,994
Well, we were sort
of in this situation.

968
00:49:09,061 --> 00:49:11,928
I didn't, from the outside,
look like I was being selfish,

969
00:49:11,994 --> 00:49:13,429
because I was serving.

970
00:49:13,495 --> 00:49:15,429
I just wasn't serving you.

971
00:49:15,495 --> 00:49:18,430
So, because God
convicted me first,

972
00:49:18,496 --> 00:49:23,032
I needed to trust that God was
going to protect me in whatever

973
00:49:23,098 --> 00:49:27,099
happened, if, you know, if I
felt like you weren't serving me

974
00:49:27,166 --> 00:49:30,400
back, I still was being obedient
to what God was asking me,

975
00:49:30,467 --> 00:49:32,835
through conviction
of the Holy Spirit.

976
00:49:32,901 --> 00:49:37,902
And so we don't do things--if
I was to say I couldn't do it

977
00:49:37,969 --> 00:49:41,337
until you changed, then that
would've been a selfish response

978
00:49:41,403 --> 00:49:43,638
and just prove my
selfishness all the more.

979
00:49:43,704 --> 00:49:47,372
We do things because God asks
us to and because we see

980
00:49:47,439 --> 00:49:50,240
in his Scriptures that that's
the right thing,

981
00:49:50,306 --> 00:49:53,040
and he loves us, and he knows
what's best for us.

982
00:49:53,106 --> 00:49:56,441
So, first of all, the decision
needs to be based on what God

983
00:49:56,507 --> 00:49:59,142
is asking me to do,
by the Holy Spirit.

984
00:49:59,208 --> 00:50:02,576
And then being obedient to that,
I've seen God's faithfulness

985
00:50:02,643 --> 00:50:07,145
in abundance and--but, again,
I didn't do it for that.

986
00:50:07,211 --> 00:50:10,679
I did it because I knew that
that was what I needed to do,

987
00:50:10,746 --> 00:50:13,546
because I didn't want to be
a selfish person anymore.

988
00:50:13,612 --> 00:50:15,180
And God has changed you.

989
00:50:15,247 --> 00:50:18,081
He's changed both of us,
and we serve each other,

990
00:50:18,148 --> 00:50:20,849
and we're learning more every
day how to continue to serve

991
00:50:20,915 --> 00:50:23,582
each other better, and I still
see my selfishness when you

992
00:50:23,649 --> 00:50:26,983
do things that are
very serving of me.

993
00:50:27,050 --> 00:50:30,684
It reveals my own selfishness
still that I need to work on.

994
00:50:30,751 --> 00:50:33,585
So, I think, first of all, just
being teachable and asking

995
00:50:33,652 --> 00:50:37,854
the Lord, you know, "Lord,
this may seem scary for me

996
00:50:37,920 --> 00:50:41,621
"to go first and change first,
but I trust you.

997
00:50:41,688 --> 00:50:44,321
"I trust you that because
you're asking this of me,

998
00:50:44,388 --> 00:50:47,122
"you're going to
protect me emotionally,

999
00:50:47,189 --> 00:50:49,090
"and you're going to guide me,

1000
00:50:49,157 --> 00:50:51,424
and you're going to change
both of us."

1001
00:50:51,491 --> 00:50:53,824
Because God wants our
marriages to be good.

1002
00:50:53,891 --> 00:50:55,425
He wants them to be holy.

1003
00:50:55,492 --> 00:50:58,125
It's not like he wants one of us
to be good

1004
00:50:58,193 --> 00:50:59,893
and one of us to be bad.

1005
00:50:59,960 --> 00:51:01,393
So, it's being in prayer, too.

1006
00:51:01,460 --> 00:51:04,327
I remember praying for myself
and praying for you a lot, just,

1007
00:51:04,394 --> 00:51:05,795
"Lord, change my heart.

1008
00:51:05,862 --> 00:51:07,295
"Continue to help me be strong

1009
00:51:07,362 --> 00:51:09,296
"in the changes
that I need to make,

1010
00:51:09,363 --> 00:51:11,796
"and help Mark change
in the ways that you want

1011
00:51:11,864 --> 00:51:14,597
to make him a more godly man."

1012
00:51:14,664 --> 00:51:16,898
And for a woman, maybe
explain the difference between

1013
00:51:16,965 --> 00:51:18,298
serving and enabling.

1014
00:51:18,365 --> 00:51:20,699
And I think for
people, in general,

1015
00:51:20,766 --> 00:51:23,567
that's a big issue, but
sometimes for the wife,

1016
00:51:23,633 --> 00:51:25,067
that's a really
important distinction.

1017
00:51:25,133 --> 00:51:27,501
I know you hit that in
the "Respectful Wife" chapter

1018
00:51:27,568 --> 00:51:29,069
in the book.

1019
00:51:29,135 --> 00:51:32,570
Yeah, I think for a wife, she
can be afraid of the responses

1020
00:51:32,636 --> 00:51:37,471
that come when she's willing to
serve, not necessarily, I mean,

1021
00:51:37,537 --> 00:51:39,938
it could be if a man
is physically abusive,

1022
00:51:40,005 --> 00:51:43,439
it could be that, but sometimes
it's just as simple as

1023
00:51:43,506 --> 00:51:45,906
an emotional response that she
may get from her husband

1024
00:51:45,973 --> 00:51:48,207
or a rejecting response.

1025
00:51:48,274 --> 00:51:50,808
And so she doesn't want
to continue to feel that,

1026
00:51:50,875 --> 00:51:55,142
if she's serving and doesn't
get a servant response.

1027
00:51:55,209 --> 00:51:59,243
And so instead of taking
that step of repentance,

1028
00:51:59,310 --> 00:52:03,545
she'll enable and just allow
him to get away with his sins,

1029
00:52:03,612 --> 00:52:06,312
but that's not
loving our spouse.

1030
00:52:06,379 --> 00:52:09,513
It doesn't mean that we need to
disrespectfully speak up

1031
00:52:09,580 --> 00:52:10,914
against their sin.

1032
00:52:10,981 --> 00:52:13,214
In fact, we're told to be
respectful as wives

1033
00:52:13,281 --> 00:52:14,915
and to be helpers.

1034
00:52:14,982 --> 00:52:18,316
And to be a helper would mean
that we're helping them to live

1035
00:52:18,383 --> 00:52:24,518
like Christ, and so speaking
respectfully, but honestly,

1036
00:52:24,585 --> 00:52:27,219
and having regular
conversations about it,

1037
00:52:27,286 --> 00:52:30,419
so it's not just blasting them
all at once with things that you

1038
00:52:30,487 --> 00:52:32,987
see in his life that are
horrible, but, again,

1039
00:52:33,053 --> 00:52:34,921
praying for a tone that's right.

1040
00:52:34,988 --> 00:52:38,222
Praying for the time that God
has you to speak and the words

1041
00:52:38,289 --> 00:52:41,456
he wants you to use, and then
going forward and trusting,

1042
00:52:41,523 --> 00:52:43,723
"Okay, I'm going to
speak into this."

1043
00:52:43,790 --> 00:52:47,224
And I think prefacing
it with, "I do love you,

1044
00:52:47,291 --> 00:52:50,458
"and I've sinned against you,
because I've seen these things,

1045
00:52:50,525 --> 00:52:53,359
"and I haven't spoken
up, and I'm sorry.

1046
00:52:53,426 --> 00:52:55,560
"And so I don't
want to attack you.

1047
00:52:55,627 --> 00:52:57,928
"I just want to address
some of these things,

1048
00:52:57,995 --> 00:52:59,761
because I think we're
hurting our marriage."

1049
00:52:59,828 --> 00:53:02,229
And just even talking
about it in that way,

1050
00:53:02,296 --> 00:53:04,963
showing that I've sinned
against you by doing this,

1051
00:53:05,030 --> 00:53:10,231
and opening the opportunity for
him to see his sin against you.

1052
00:53:10,298 --> 00:53:12,732
Yeah, because sometimes
it turns into a war,

1053
00:53:12,799 --> 00:53:16,900
and somebody's got to
say, "I'm calling a truce,"

1054
00:53:16,966 --> 00:53:18,701
and that's the face-to-face
friendship, like,

1055
00:53:18,767 --> 00:53:21,734
"We have both been selfish.
We have both hurt one another.

1056
00:53:21,802 --> 00:53:25,236
"And if this continues, it's
only going to get worse,

1057
00:53:25,303 --> 00:53:27,736
"and Satan is going to
have a victory,

1058
00:53:27,803 --> 00:53:30,237
"and we're going
to have misery.

1059
00:53:30,304 --> 00:53:33,538
"And so I want to put my gun
down and be your friend,

1060
00:53:33,605 --> 00:53:37,239
"and I want to serve you, and I
want to be a blessing to you,

1061
00:53:37,306 --> 00:53:40,073
and I'm asking you to be
willing to do the same,"

1062
00:53:40,140 --> 00:53:42,641
and inviting that person in.

1063
00:53:42,708 --> 00:53:45,074
And enabling, too,
makes a man--for,

1064
00:53:45,141 --> 00:53:48,375
if a woman is enabling, it makes
the man feel like he's

1065
00:53:48,442 --> 00:53:51,776
above reproach, like he's great,
and he doesn't need to change.

1066
00:53:51,843 --> 00:53:53,444
Like, she's never
said anything.

1067
00:53:53,511 --> 00:53:58,245
Yeah, and so then if she's
hurting or not able to be

1068
00:53:58,312 --> 00:54:02,246
a servant lover
in some way, he gets angry,

1069
00:54:02,313 --> 00:54:06,348
and she--it's partially
her own fault,

1070
00:54:06,415 --> 00:54:08,548
because she hasn't
said anything,

1071
00:54:08,615 --> 00:54:12,016
and she's enabled his pride and
just for him to get puffed up

1072
00:54:12,082 --> 00:54:13,850
more and more.

1073
00:54:13,917 --> 00:54:17,118
And so we've got to help each
other in these ways mutually.

1074
00:54:17,184 --> 00:54:19,718
The husband needs to lovingly
speak into those areas,

1075
00:54:19,784 --> 00:54:21,819
in his wife's life, too.

1076
00:54:21,885 --> 00:54:24,620
Yeah, and as we
look at the Lord Jesus,

1077
00:54:24,686 --> 00:54:26,854
he doesn't give us what we want.

1078
00:54:26,921 --> 00:54:28,654
He gives us what we need.

1079
00:54:28,721 --> 00:54:30,722
He doesn't tell us what we want.

1080
00:54:30,788 --> 00:54:32,555
He tells us what we need,

1081
00:54:32,622 --> 00:54:34,756
and he's the most humble
servant of all.

1082
00:54:34,823 --> 00:54:37,724
And so you can serve your spouse
by telling them the truth.

1083
00:54:37,790 --> 00:54:41,158
You can serve your spouse by
doing what needs to be done,

1084
00:54:41,225 --> 00:54:44,559
not just what they
want to be done.

1085
00:54:44,626 --> 00:54:47,393
And so, yeah, I think this is
a good clarifying question

1086
00:54:47,460 --> 00:54:52,194
because sometimes "servant"
is interpreted as

1087
00:54:52,261 --> 00:54:58,063
"voiceless, submissive
employee."

1088
00:54:58,130 --> 00:55:00,196
That's not what
we're talking about.

1089
00:55:00,263 --> 00:55:02,097
We're talking about "like Jesus."

1090
00:55:02,164 --> 00:55:04,798
Nobody's more bold, more
courageous, more brave,

1091
00:55:04,865 --> 00:55:07,532
more forthright, and more
meek, and more humble,

1092
00:55:07,598 --> 00:55:10,766
and more loving, and more
well-intended than Jesus.

1093
00:55:10,833 --> 00:55:13,567
And so I would just say
it can get confusing

1094
00:55:13,634 --> 00:55:15,368
if you just focus
on the categories.

1095
00:55:15,435 --> 00:55:17,368
That's why I try to
present Jesus and say,

1096
00:55:17,435 --> 00:55:19,969
"Just keep reading the gospels,
going back to Jesus."

1097
00:55:20,036 --> 00:55:22,737
Okay, as a servant,
he had conflict.

1098
00:55:22,803 --> 00:55:25,371
As a servant, he said some
things that were unpopular.

1099
00:55:25,438 --> 00:55:28,572
As a servant, he did some things
that some people didn't like,

1100
00:55:28,639 --> 00:55:32,040
and that's part of being
a servant: humbly, lovingly,

1101
00:55:32,106 --> 00:55:36,274
respectfully doing and saying
the things that are best for

1102
00:55:36,341 --> 00:55:40,775
someone, not just the things
that are easiest for someone.

1103
00:55:40,842 --> 00:55:42,709
Does that make sense?

1104
00:55:42,776 --> 00:55:45,209
This is where, for us,
it's always back to Jesus,

1105
00:55:45,276 --> 00:55:48,210
back to Jesus, back to Jesus,
back to Jesus, back to Jesus,

1106
00:55:48,277 --> 00:55:52,412
because marriage is ultimately
best learned by looking at Jesus

1107
00:55:52,479 --> 00:55:54,179
and the church.

1108
00:55:54,246 --> 00:55:55,680
That's what Ephesians 5 says.

1109
00:55:55,747 --> 00:55:57,613
So, how does Jesus treat people?

1110
00:55:57,680 --> 00:56:02,181
Okay, that's indicative and
that's a pattern for us to learn

1111
00:56:02,248 --> 00:56:05,315
by the power of the Holy Spirit
to treat one another

1112
00:56:05,382 --> 00:56:08,083
as Jesus treated people.

1113
00:56:08,150 --> 00:56:10,884
So, it's a great question.

1114
00:56:10,951 --> 00:56:12,551
I think that's good, babe.

1115
00:56:12,617 --> 00:56:13,952
Thank you.

1116
00:56:14,018 --> 00:56:16,453
Would you be willing to
close our session in prayer?

1117
00:56:16,519 --> 00:56:17,853
Thanks.

1118
00:56:17,919 --> 00:56:21,354
Lord, again, thank
you for just your Word.

1119
00:56:21,420 --> 00:56:27,789
Thank you for giving us so much
to work on toward humility,

1120
00:56:27,856 --> 00:56:30,790
but giving us a perfect
example of your Son.

1121
00:56:30,857 --> 00:56:36,158
Lord, give us strength
in pursuing humility.

1122
00:56:36,224 --> 00:56:38,959
Give us courage.

1123
00:56:39,025 --> 00:56:43,060
Lord, allow us to see the sinful
areas in our life where we

1124
00:56:43,126 --> 00:56:46,794
are selfish and be willing to
examine those and allow you

1125
00:56:46,861 --> 00:56:49,995
to change those, through
your Holy Spirit, Lord.

1126
00:56:50,062 --> 00:56:53,229
Help us not just to look at
the other person in our life

1127
00:56:53,296 --> 00:56:55,797
as selfish and wish
they would change,

1128
00:56:55,864 --> 00:56:59,998
but to allow your Holy Spirit to
examine our hearts and just

1129
00:57:00,065 --> 00:57:03,832
give us hope for what you can
do in our relationships.

1130
00:57:03,899 --> 00:57:05,700
Thank you, Lord, in Jesus' name.

1131
00:57:05,767 --> 00:57:08,268
Amen.
Thanks, baby.