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[music]

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All right, ladies.

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This one's for you.

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I apologize in advance.

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Grace wrote chapter four.

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I'm just delivering the mail.

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We're talking about
the respectful wife.

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Ah, yes.

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As a man, let me tell you how
powerful you are as a wife.

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You are incredibly powerful,

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not in the weightlifting
sense of that word,

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but in the areas
of trust, encouragement,

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hope, courage.

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You are incredibly powerful
in the life of your husband.

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In fact, I would go so far as
to say that for the average man,

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no one's opinion of him
matters as much as his wife's.

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Men, is that true?

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Yeah.

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And when we're talking
about the respectful wife,

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what we're not talking about is
a wife who's always flattering

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her husband, but that she
carefully weighs her words

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to help him become
more respectable,

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that she wants to be respectful,
so that he would grow

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to become more respectable.

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That's the hope.

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And this really is
a very simple but profound

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and powerful concept.

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Some of you wives, you want your
husbands to be more respectable,

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and there are two ways
to approach that goal.

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One, you can nag
and disrespect,

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and you will never get
the results that

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you are hoping for;
or, two, you can pray for him,

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instead of just nagging to
him, and you can respect him,

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thereby helping him
become more respectable.

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And this really is to be
found in Ephesians 5:33.

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"Let the wife see
that she," what, ladies?

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"Respects,"

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not other men,
"her husband."

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Ladies, do you
respect other men,

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or are there other men that you
admire, you esteem, you value,

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you wish your husband
was more like them?

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It's called coveting.

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It's one of
the Ten Commandments.

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Don't covet
anybody else's spouse.

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You're to respect your husband.

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And Grace, in the book,
gives this great definition.

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Respect is "to notice, regard,
honor, prefer, defer to,

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encourage, love, and admire."

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Do you respect your husband?

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Every wife, if she's
honest, would say,

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"I've got room to grow."

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And in this chapter,
she talks about a head,

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a heart, and a hand.

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She talks about a head of
respect, a heart of respect,

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and hands of respect
for you ladies.

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And so we'll start with
a head that respects.

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And the question is how do
you think about your husband?

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How do you think about him?

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Do you think of him in a way
that is hopeful or hopeless?

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Do you think of him
in a way that is respectful

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or disrespectful?

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Some of you would say,
"Well, I never say it."

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Well, God knows your thoughts,
and your husband,

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he can tell by the look on
your face what you're thinking.

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See, ladies, sometimes our sin
is not just what we say or do.

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It's also what we think,

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and that's why change
begins in the mind.

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Repentance begins in the mind.

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That's where the Bible says in
Romans 12 to not be conformed

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to the pattern of this world,
but to be transformed by

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the renewing of your mind.

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You have to think differently
before you can feel differently

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and before you will
act differently.

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Repentance and change
begins in the mind.

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How do you think
about your husband?

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Again, you may say,
"Well, I've never said it."

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But if you think it, it is
affecting how you feel

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and what you do.

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Your heart and your hands
are affected and implicated

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by how you think about
your husband.

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Do you, do you think,
"He's an idiot"?

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Do you think, "I could've
done a lot better"?

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Do you think,
"I'm smarter than he is"?

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"I'm more godly.

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"If I were the head
of this household,

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"things would be better.

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"If he would just
do what I tell him,

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then he'd be a good leader."

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Something to think about.

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"He's not very impressive.

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"Had I to do it all over again,

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"I definitely would not
have picked him.

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"He can't keep up with me.

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"He's not as smart as me.

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"He's not as nice as me.

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"He's not as fun as me.

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"He's not as dependable as me.

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"He's not as hard-working as me.

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"I deserve better.

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Tragically, he's lesser."

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How do you think
about your husband?

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Here's what Philippians 4:8-9
says about thinking, in general,

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and I would apply to
thinking about your husband,

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in particular.

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"Whatever is true, whatever
is honorable, whatever is just,

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"whatever is pure, whatever is
lovely, whatever is commendable,

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if there is any excellence,"

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if you can find anything good
in the guy,

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"if there is anything
worthy of praise, think,"

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meditate upon,
make an effort to keep

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in the forefront of your mind,
"these things."

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This is spiritual discipline.

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"What you have learned
and received and heard

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"and seen in me—
practice these things,

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and the God of peace
will be with you."

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Grace has a great
recommendation for wives,

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based upon a head of respect and
the admonition and instruction

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of Philippians 4:8-9.

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Keep a journal.

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I'm going to give you ladies

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some really practical
things to do.

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Keep a journal.

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You keep it on your phone, or
you can keep it in a notebook.

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Keep it somewhere separate.

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And as you think things
about your husband that are,

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to use these words, "true,
honorable, just, pure, lovely,

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commendable, excellent, worthy
of praise," write them down.

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Write them down.

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And then in that moment, pray
and say, "Thank you, Lord,

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that I'm seeing
this in my husband."

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And then encourage your husband.

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One of the most powerful things
a wife can do

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is encourage her husband.

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And you can encourage him toward
godliness and respectability

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by praying for him
and encouraging him.

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Send him a text, give him
a call, write him a letter,

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send him an e-mail,
whatever it is.

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"Honey, I was just
praying for you,

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and I'm really thankful because
of," blank, whatever it is.

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Some of you say,
"He doesn't do anything big."

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Then pick anything, anything
that could be encouraging.

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You've got to start somewhere,
because if all you ever do

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is show him his faults,
his failures, and his flaws,

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he will think that he lives
with his critic or his mother;

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neither of which is particularly
motivating for him

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to grow in godliness.

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Now, your job is
not to change him.

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His role is to take
responsibility,

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and the Holy Spirit will give
him the power, but, ladies,

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you could give him
some encouragement.

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Write these things down.

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Make note of them.

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Pray for him, through them,

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and speak those words of life
to him.

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It means so much when a wife
encourages, and as she does,

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she puts life and courage
and dignity into her husband,

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because he wants to live in such
a way that God is pleased

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with him and that his
wife is proud of him.

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True or false?

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Completely true.

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So, one of the things-- because,
see, some of you ladies,

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you have the gift
of encouragement.

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You're just an encourager.

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Okay, your husband's
really blessed.

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Some of you ladies,
you need to grow in that gift.

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Grace is growing in that gift.

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She's really making
an effort to grow in that gift,

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and it's a real gift
to a husband.

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So, head of respect.

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How do you think
about your husband?

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It leads to a heart of respect.

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How do you feel
about your husband?

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How do you feel
about your husband?

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And you know how you feel about
your husband by what you say.

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Jesus says it this way.

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Matthew 12:34.

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"Out of the abundance
of the heart the mouth speaks."

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All right, ladies.

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I've been accused in the past.

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"Oh, you only yell at the men.

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You don't also speak
directly to the women."

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We'll make up for all
those omissions right now.

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Because we believe in
equality and diversity,

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we will now offend
the women, as well.

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But if there is
disrespect in your head,

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it will reside in your heart.

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If there's disrespect
in how you think of him,

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there will be disrespect
in how you feel about him,

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and it comes out in your speech.

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It comes out in your speech.

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I would say, ladies, this is
one of the reasons it's really

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important to regularly be
praying for your husband,

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because it conditions you on
how to speak about your husband.

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And the truth is you won't speak
about your husband to the Lord

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the way you do your worst women
friends, the nagging, gossiping,

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busybodying, bitter brigade,

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sometimes called
the women's prayer circle.

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"Oh, we all pray
for one another."

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No, you don't.

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You all disrespect your husband
and call it prayer requests,

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so it seems holy,
while Satan is dancing.

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And you should be praying more
for your husband than you

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should be talking
about your husband.

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Gossip, ladies, is talking about
someone, instead of to someone.

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If you're talking to others,
particularly women,

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instead of talking
to your husband,

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you're guilty of gossip.

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And if you are allowing them
to just talk negatively

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about their husbands,
you're not encouraging them.

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You are not serving them.

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You are not helping them.

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You are joining them in sin.

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What do you say
about your husband?

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What do you say in his absence?

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What do you say in the presence
of your children

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about their father?

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"Oh, your father's
such an idiot.

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"Your father screwed up again.

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I don't know why I
ever married that guy."

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Here's what you're
teaching your children.

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"Dishonor, disregard,
disrespect your father."

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You're teaching them, you're
training them to dishonor

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the instruction of the Bible,
and you are separating them

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from their father,
which leads to their death.

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And what'll happen is
the children

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will start to parrot the mother.

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Right?

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All of us guys know that gal.

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She's the wife and mother that
just lets her husband have it

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in front of the children.

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And before long, the children
start to parrot the mother.

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It's a horrible thing.

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How do you speak
about your husband

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in the presence of others,

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in the presence of the children,
in his own presence?

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Are you a nag?

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Just keep pushing,
pressing, demanding.

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Are you quarrelsome?

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Does he not even want to
talk to you, or if he does,

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he has to emotionally prepare
himself like a soldier

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heading off to war?

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You're just
an emotional hurricane,

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and you're quarrelsome,
and he knows,

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"Man, if I'm going to
bring up anything,

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"I've got to pick my
battles carefully.

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"I need to come in
with a battle plan,

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and this is going to be
a long, drawn-out war."

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Are you loud?

250
00:13:59,958 --> 00:14:06,833
See, some women just try
this tactic of volume.

251
00:14:06,917 --> 00:14:10,833
"I'm going to raise my voice,
and I'm going to yell,

252
00:14:10,917 --> 00:14:14,333
"and I'm going to scream,
and I'm going to threaten,

253
00:14:14,417 --> 00:14:16,417
"because he can't do that.

254
00:14:16,500 --> 00:14:19,750
"If he raises his voice,
then he's being mean.

255
00:14:19,833 --> 00:14:25,042
And it's a trick, and I
won, because I'm louder."

256
00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:26,958
How many of you
women, it's emotion.

257
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,958
You're emotionally manipulative.

258
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,958
As soon as you start
losing, you start crying.

259
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:33,917
"Oh, you hurt my feelings."

260
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,750
You just changed the subject.

261
00:14:35,833 --> 00:14:38,542
That was brilliant, amazing!

262
00:14:38,625 --> 00:14:40,708
He was talking about
sin in your life,

263
00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:43,917
and you talked about how you
feel about his recognition

264
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:45,625
of the sin in your life.

265
00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:50,458
You just changed it from your
sin to how he has made you feel!

266
00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:53,333
Brilliant.

267
00:14:53,417 --> 00:14:57,583
Cry, freak out,
get emotional, melt down,

268
00:14:57,667 --> 00:15:00,333
because you know he
doesn't know what to do.

269
00:15:00,417 --> 00:15:02,042
All of a sudden,
he's like, "She's crying.

270
00:15:02,125 --> 00:15:04,333
"I don't like...

271
00:15:04,417 --> 00:15:09,833
I can't cry and use her trick."

272
00:15:11,833 --> 00:15:14,042
I'm not saying you women
can never be heard,

273
00:15:14,125 --> 00:15:17,208
and you can never be hurt,

274
00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:20,833
but how do you speak
about your husband?

275
00:15:20,917 --> 00:15:23,625
How do you speak
to your husband?

276
00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:26,458
Are you manipulative?

277
00:15:26,500 --> 00:15:28,250
Do you play him like a puppet?

278
00:15:28,333 --> 00:15:31,667
You're the marionette with your
words, and your manipulation,

279
00:15:31,708 --> 00:15:34,250
and your flirtation, and your
threats, and your volume,

280
00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:36,458
and your quarrelsome
nature, and your nagging,

281
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:38,250
and your emotionalism.

282
00:15:38,333 --> 00:15:42,792
He's just dancing like
a good boy should.

283
00:15:44,708 --> 00:15:47,167
Are you a mocker?

284
00:15:47,208 --> 00:15:50,250
Proverbs talks a lot
about the mocker.

285
00:15:50,333 --> 00:15:52,542
Do you like to make fun of him?

286
00:15:52,625 --> 00:15:55,167
Do you like to point out
his faults and flaws?

287
00:15:55,250 --> 00:15:58,500
Do you like to highlight them
by stating them publicly?

288
00:15:58,542 --> 00:16:00,958
Are there certain embarrassing
things that he's done?

289
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,750
Maybe they're not even sinful,
just embarrassing things.

290
00:16:03,833 --> 00:16:06,042
Those are always good
for the holidays.

291
00:16:06,125 --> 00:16:08,167
Those are always good
for the dinner parties.

292
00:16:08,208 --> 00:16:10,167
Those are always good
for Community Group.

293
00:16:10,208 --> 00:16:12,750
"Let me tell you about
my stupid husband.

294
00:16:12,833 --> 00:16:14,833
"You'll never
believe what he did.

295
00:16:14,875 --> 00:16:19,333
Ha, ha, ha."

296
00:16:19,375 --> 00:16:21,542
You're not funny.

297
00:16:21,625 --> 00:16:27,333
You're a joke,
but you're not funny.

298
00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:29,917
Head of respect.

299
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:31,958
How do you think
about your husband?

300
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,917
Heart of respect.

301
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,750
How do you feel
about your husband,

302
00:16:36,833 --> 00:16:39,333
and how does it manifest
itself in your word?

303
00:16:39,375 --> 00:16:43,708
Because out of the overflow
of the heart the mouth speaks.

304
00:16:43,792 --> 00:16:45,750
And one of
the great cures, ladies,

305
00:16:45,833 --> 00:16:48,917
is pray for your husband.

306
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:53,042
It will change how you
speak to your husband.

307
00:16:53,125 --> 00:16:55,667
And it doesn't mean that
you're a total flatterer,

308
00:16:55,750 --> 00:16:58,875
and you never point out sin, and
you don't deal with hard things.

309
00:16:58,958 --> 00:17:03,500
It means that
your tone will change.

310
00:17:03,583 --> 00:17:05,833
And Grace rightly says,
in the chapter,

311
00:17:05,875 --> 00:17:08,208
there are also
hands of respect.

312
00:17:08,292 --> 00:17:11,333
My question would be, what
do you do for your husband?

313
00:17:11,375 --> 00:17:12,750
What do you do?

314
00:17:12,833 --> 00:17:15,208
How do you serve?

315
00:17:15,292 --> 00:17:17,042
And I'll say this about men.

316
00:17:17,125 --> 00:17:20,958
We interpret everything in
terms of respect and disrespect.

317
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,417
Some of you ladies would
say, "I love my husband."

318
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:24,833
Here's the truth.

319
00:17:24,875 --> 00:17:27,250
Men want to be loved,
we're grateful to be loved,

320
00:17:27,333 --> 00:17:32,458
but the truth is we've seen our
women love some total losers.

321
00:17:32,500 --> 00:17:36,542
Some of you women have
had boyfriends: loser,

322
00:17:36,625 --> 00:17:40,708
nothing respectful in him,
nothing respectable about him,

323
00:17:40,792 --> 00:17:42,542
but you loved him.

324
00:17:42,625 --> 00:17:45,958
Sometimes women can
love the worst men.

325
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:51,917
What matters more to a man
is, "Does she respect me?

326
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,958
Does she respect me?"

327
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:58,292
And it shows up
in word and deed,

328
00:17:58,333 --> 00:18:00,250
the hands of respect,
the service.

329
00:18:00,333 --> 00:18:01,833
How does she act?

330
00:18:01,917 --> 00:18:04,333
How does she serve?

331
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:07,458
It says this in Genesis 2:18.

332
00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:10,458
Before sin entered the world,
God said there was one thing

333
00:18:10,500 --> 00:18:11,917
that was not good.

334
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,667
Genesis 2:18,
"The Lord God said,

335
00:18:13,708 --> 00:18:16,125
"'It is not good that
the man should be alone;

336
00:18:16,167 --> 00:18:18,542
I will make him
a helper fit for him.'"

337
00:18:18,625 --> 00:18:21,542
Every man knows,
"I need help!"

338
00:18:21,625 --> 00:18:23,958
Just look at a man.

339
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:26,542
Look at a single man.

340
00:18:26,625 --> 00:18:28,333
Does he need--yes,
he needs help.

341
00:18:28,417 --> 00:18:30,708
Everyone knows that.

342
00:18:30,792 --> 00:18:33,167
And so God made
the woman to be a helper.

343
00:18:33,208 --> 00:18:34,667
She is equal to him.

344
00:18:34,708 --> 00:18:36,833
They both bear the image
and likeness of God,

345
00:18:36,917 --> 00:18:39,167
but they work together in
a complementary way like

346
00:18:39,208 --> 00:18:40,708
a right hand and a left hand.

347
00:18:40,792 --> 00:18:43,250
He's the leader,
she's the helper.

348
00:18:43,333 --> 00:18:47,333
They need each other to glorify
God and to do good

349
00:18:47,417 --> 00:18:50,458
for one another.

350
00:18:50,500 --> 00:18:54,542
Ladies, your husband needs you.

351
00:18:54,625 --> 00:18:56,292
He doesn't need
you to condemn him.

352
00:18:56,333 --> 00:18:58,500
Satan's already doing that.

353
00:18:58,542 --> 00:19:01,167
He doesn't need you
to criticize him.

354
00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:06,458
His enemies are
already doing that.

355
00:19:06,500 --> 00:19:11,333
He needs you
to encourage him.

356
00:19:11,375 --> 00:19:15,708
Some men are dying for this,

357
00:19:15,792 --> 00:19:19,125
and it shows up
with a wife saying,

358
00:19:19,167 --> 00:19:21,708
"I'm here to help.

359
00:19:21,792 --> 00:19:24,458
"I'm here to help you
become more like Jesus.

360
00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:28,542
"I'm here so that you can lead
our family

361
00:19:28,625 --> 00:19:30,667
"in the purposes of Jesus.

362
00:19:30,708 --> 00:19:33,958
I know you can't do it
alone, and I'm here to help."

363
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:37,250
And it's not a denigration for
a woman to be called a helper,

364
00:19:37,333 --> 00:19:39,167
because the Bible
says that God is

365
00:19:39,208 --> 00:19:41,167
our ever-present help
in trouble.

366
00:19:41,208 --> 00:19:42,625
The Bible says that

367
00:19:42,667 --> 00:19:45,417
the Holy Spirit
would come as our helper.

368
00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:48,542
The Bible says
that God helps us.

369
00:19:48,625 --> 00:19:51,542
So, ladies, God is inviting
you to join him in helping your

370
00:19:51,625 --> 00:19:55,458
husband become more like Jesus
and to love and lead your family

371
00:19:55,500 --> 00:19:58,667
in the purposes of Jesus,
and part of that is what you do

372
00:19:58,708 --> 00:20:00,042
with your hands.

373
00:20:00,125 --> 00:20:02,667
How many of you ladies
love the Proverbs 31 woman?

374
00:20:02,708 --> 00:20:05,125
I mean, she's just kind of
the off-the-charts,

375
00:20:05,167 --> 00:20:08,125
over-the-top, amazing,
action-figure Bible gal.

376
00:20:08,167 --> 00:20:09,958
She's incredible.

377
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,833
"Oh there's
the Proverbs 31 woman."

378
00:20:12,875 --> 00:20:16,000
Here's what it says of
her in Proverbs 31:13.

379
00:20:16,083 --> 00:20:21,833
It says that the wife,
"works with willing hands."

380
00:20:21,917 --> 00:20:27,333
She wants to have
hands of respect.

381
00:20:27,417 --> 00:20:31,667
Grace rightly says this
includes hands that pray,

382
00:20:31,708 --> 00:20:34,625
holding hands with your husband
or laying hands on your husband

383
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:36,167
and praying for him.

384
00:20:36,208 --> 00:20:38,625
I can still remember,
we'd been married some years.

385
00:20:38,667 --> 00:20:40,458
I was still fairly
new to ministry,

386
00:20:40,500 --> 00:20:42,333
going to speak at a conference.

387
00:20:42,417 --> 00:20:44,750
I'm sure that Grace
had prayed for me before,

388
00:20:44,833 --> 00:20:46,958
but I remember that day.

389
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:50,167
That was the first time I ever
remember Grace praying for me

390
00:20:50,208 --> 00:20:52,042
before I preached.

391
00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:56,083
It's one of the most significant
days in my whole life.

392
00:20:56,167 --> 00:21:00,042
I don't even remember
the conference or the sermon.

393
00:21:00,125 --> 00:21:03,333
I don't even remember
what state we were in.

394
00:21:03,375 --> 00:21:05,958
I don't remember
anything about it.

395
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:10,958
Here's what I do remember: Grace
held my hands and prayed for me

396
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:13,333
before I preached.

397
00:21:13,417 --> 00:21:16,333
That's what I remember.

398
00:21:16,417 --> 00:21:20,333
Hands that pray.

399
00:21:20,375 --> 00:21:25,000
Grace mentions,
as well, hands that touch.

400
00:21:25,083 --> 00:21:27,333
I love it when we hold hands.

401
00:21:27,417 --> 00:21:30,667
I love holding my wife's hand.

402
00:21:30,708 --> 00:21:37,167
Hands that touch; it's
respectful, it's affectionate.

403
00:21:37,208 --> 00:21:40,042
Hands that feed, Grace says.

404
00:21:40,125 --> 00:21:41,833
Now, some of you men can cook.

405
00:21:41,917 --> 00:21:43,333
God bless you.

406
00:21:43,417 --> 00:21:44,750
Some of you are chefs.

407
00:21:44,833 --> 00:21:46,250
That's awesome.

408
00:21:46,333 --> 00:21:47,750
That's not me.

409
00:21:47,833 --> 00:21:49,750
I'm good at picking up takeout.

410
00:21:49,833 --> 00:21:51,833
That's who I am.

411
00:21:51,917 --> 00:21:53,542
And when we first got married,

412
00:21:53,625 --> 00:21:55,542
Grace understood
nutrition and health.

413
00:21:55,625 --> 00:21:58,667
I didn't,
and so I ate really bad.

414
00:21:58,708 --> 00:22:00,958
In the grace of God,
I'm learning, and growing,

415
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,750
and changing, but I'm nowhere
near as healthy or as smart

416
00:22:03,833 --> 00:22:06,500
in this area as Grace,
but I'm learning to trust her.

417
00:22:06,583 --> 00:22:07,958
And she understands nutrition.

418
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:09,500
She understands wellness.

419
00:22:09,583 --> 00:22:11,167
She understands naturopathy.

420
00:22:11,208 --> 00:22:14,250
And so for her, a part of her
respecting me is serving

421
00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:18,458
by ensuring that our
family eats well.

422
00:22:18,500 --> 00:22:21,042
And it makes all
the difference in the world.

423
00:22:21,125 --> 00:22:23,625
She's got a head of respect,
a heart of respect,

424
00:22:23,667 --> 00:22:26,208
and it leads to
hands of respect.

425
00:22:26,292 --> 00:22:28,667
She says, as well,
hands that hunt and fish.

426
00:22:28,708 --> 00:22:32,833
I don't hunt or fish, but what
she's talking about is a wife

427
00:22:32,917 --> 00:22:35,542
respecting her husband enough
to be involved in whatever

428
00:22:35,625 --> 00:22:37,333
activities he's in.

429
00:22:37,375 --> 00:22:40,000
Back to the earlier
friendship sermon,

430
00:22:40,083 --> 00:22:43,167
it's a wife learning to enjoy
what her husband enjoys

431
00:22:43,208 --> 00:22:46,458
and participate in what her
husband's participating in,

432
00:22:46,500 --> 00:22:49,458
saying, "I respect you, and
I respect what you're doing,

433
00:22:49,500 --> 00:22:52,750
and I want to go do
whatever you're doing."

434
00:22:52,833 --> 00:22:57,167
And she says, lastly, it's
hands that open the Bible.

435
00:22:57,208 --> 00:23:00,458
One of the ways that a wife
really respects her husband

436
00:23:00,500 --> 00:23:03,542
is by respecting
the Word of God.

437
00:23:03,625 --> 00:23:07,917
And I'll tell you ladies, there
is nothing more endearing than

438
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:11,958
seeing your wife study the Word
of God and be conformed

439
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,833
to the Son of God.

440
00:23:13,917 --> 00:23:15,417
It's beautiful.

441
00:23:15,500 --> 00:23:17,500
There's nothing like it,
and the deepest intimacy

442
00:23:17,583 --> 00:23:20,333
is spiritual intimacy.

443
00:23:20,417 --> 00:23:22,333
It's the fountain of
all other intimacy,

444
00:23:22,417 --> 00:23:24,667
including the physical.

445
00:23:24,708 --> 00:23:27,958
And Grace gives one--when she's
talking about head, heart,

446
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:32,542
hands; thoughts, feelings,
and actions of respect—

447
00:23:32,625 --> 00:23:35,625
she gives one very good
insight to you ladies,

448
00:23:35,667 --> 00:23:37,750
and I'll pass it on to you:

449
00:23:37,833 --> 00:23:42,000
to be careful to distinguish
between principles and methods.

450
00:23:42,083 --> 00:23:45,167
Okay, as I'm saying this,
every wife is thinking,

451
00:23:45,208 --> 00:23:46,833
"I've got room to grow."

452
00:23:46,917 --> 00:23:49,250
Amen?

453
00:23:49,333 --> 00:23:51,542
Some of you'd say, "I don't."

454
00:23:51,625 --> 00:23:57,375
Well, you should respect
this sermon more.

455
00:23:57,458 --> 00:24:00,500
And what can happen is then
a wife feels convicted by

456
00:24:00,583 --> 00:24:02,167
the Holy Spirit,

457
00:24:02,208 --> 00:24:04,500
and she's motivated
to become more respectful.

458
00:24:04,583 --> 00:24:08,042
So, what she does then is she
runs to other women and to books

459
00:24:08,125 --> 00:24:12,625
written by other women to find
out how they respected

460
00:24:12,667 --> 00:24:16,250
their husband, and she
takes their methods,

461
00:24:16,333 --> 00:24:18,750
and then she takes
them to her husband,

462
00:24:18,833 --> 00:24:23,125
and she mimics those methods,
and her husband doesn't respond

463
00:24:23,167 --> 00:24:25,667
like she was hoping.

464
00:24:25,708 --> 00:24:28,500
And she gets, then, discouraged,
or she gets frustrated,

465
00:24:28,583 --> 00:24:30,667
or she gives up.

466
00:24:30,708 --> 00:24:35,458
The Bible is filled
with principles, right?

467
00:24:35,500 --> 00:24:37,167
"Wives, respect your husbands."

468
00:24:37,208 --> 00:24:39,833
It doesn't give us methods.

469
00:24:39,875 --> 00:24:43,208
And so to get the methods,
you can read a book or talk to

470
00:24:43,292 --> 00:24:45,833
another woman, and you can
learn some methods; but,

471
00:24:45,917 --> 00:24:48,500
most importantly, you need
to talk to your husband,

472
00:24:48,583 --> 00:24:51,625
because the other women
and the authors of other books,

473
00:24:51,667 --> 00:24:54,000
they have different husbands.

474
00:24:54,083 --> 00:24:57,458
Your husband will know what
he finds respectful

475
00:24:57,500 --> 00:25:01,250
and disrespectful, and he will
help you find the methods of

476
00:25:01,333 --> 00:25:04,542
respecting him with your head,
your heart, and your hands.

477
00:25:04,625 --> 00:25:06,708
So just ask your
husband things like,

478
00:25:06,792 --> 00:25:10,167
"How have I been disrespectful?"

479
00:25:10,208 --> 00:25:13,333
And don't argue;
and, men, don't attack.

480
00:25:13,417 --> 00:25:16,250
"Honey, I love you.
Thank you for asking.

481
00:25:16,333 --> 00:25:19,667
"I want this to be
a time for us to grow.

482
00:25:19,708 --> 00:25:21,667
Let me give you a few things."

483
00:25:21,708 --> 00:25:25,042
And then, ladies, listen.

484
00:25:25,125 --> 00:25:29,542
Ask your husband,
"How could I be more respectful?

485
00:25:29,625 --> 00:25:34,667
How have I been disrespectful?"

486
00:25:34,708 --> 00:25:37,750
Two kinds of
disrespectful women.

487
00:25:37,833 --> 00:25:39,542
You ready?

488
00:25:39,625 --> 00:25:41,250
Deep breath, ladies.

489
00:25:41,333 --> 00:25:46,042
Round two.

490
00:25:46,125 --> 00:25:52,667
The first one, you ladies
are going to be shocked.

491
00:25:54,208 --> 00:25:57,000
Wife number one,
who is disrespectful,

492
00:25:57,042 --> 00:26:01,125
she is silent and compliant.

493
00:26:01,167 --> 00:26:05,333
She is too silent
and too compliant.

494
00:26:05,417 --> 00:26:08,333
She thinks,
"Well, I'm respectful.

495
00:26:08,417 --> 00:26:11,000
"I never disagree with him.

496
00:26:11,083 --> 00:26:14,167
"I always tell him
he's fantastic.

497
00:26:14,208 --> 00:26:17,208
"I let him make
all the decisions.

498
00:26:17,292 --> 00:26:19,667
I'm very respectful."

499
00:26:19,708 --> 00:26:26,000
You're not respecting the Lord,

500
00:26:26,083 --> 00:26:32,833
because you're worshiping
your husband.

501
00:26:32,875 --> 00:26:35,167
And the root issue for
these women— because, see,

502
00:26:35,208 --> 00:26:37,958
some women go to the Bible,
and they see, "Well, okay,

503
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:41,542
"Colossians 3, and 1 Peter 3,
and Ephesians 5,

504
00:26:41,625 --> 00:26:43,667
"and 1 Corinthians 7.

505
00:26:43,708 --> 00:26:46,000
'Wives, submit to
your husbands.'"

506
00:26:46,083 --> 00:26:49,125
And what she hears is,
"He makes all the decisions.

507
00:26:49,167 --> 00:26:51,000
"He thinks through
all the issues.

508
00:26:51,083 --> 00:26:52,667
"He's the boss.

509
00:26:52,708 --> 00:26:55,833
I just shut up
and do what I'm told."

510
00:26:55,917 --> 00:26:58,792
That's not what it means.

511
00:26:58,833 --> 00:27:01,042
See, Jesus submitted
to the Father

512
00:27:01,125 --> 00:27:03,125
while he was on the earth.

513
00:27:03,167 --> 00:27:05,042
Jesus says,
"The Father has sent me.

514
00:27:05,125 --> 00:27:07,542
"I say what the Father
tells me to say.

515
00:27:07,625 --> 00:27:09,917
I do what the Father
tells me to do."

516
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,458
Even in the Garden
of Gethsemane, Jesus says,

517
00:27:12,500 --> 00:27:14,833
"Here's what I want;
but not my will,

518
00:27:14,875 --> 00:27:16,458
your will be done."

519
00:27:16,500 --> 00:27:18,417
He's submissive,
but he's passionate.

520
00:27:18,500 --> 00:27:22,125
He's submissive,
but he's vocal.

521
00:27:22,167 --> 00:27:28,667
He's not just always silent,
passive, without opinion,

522
00:27:28,708 --> 00:27:31,500
no conversation,
no communication.

523
00:27:31,583 --> 00:27:33,333
He's not that way.

524
00:27:33,417 --> 00:27:37,333
And for a wife to submit to
her husband is to submit

525
00:27:37,375 --> 00:27:40,542
to her husband in a way that
Jesus Christ submits

526
00:27:40,625 --> 00:27:43,417
to God the Father.

527
00:27:43,500 --> 00:27:46,833
Proverbs 29:25,
"The fear of man lays a snare,

528
00:27:46,917 --> 00:27:50,333
but whoever trusts
in the Lord is safe."

529
00:27:50,417 --> 00:27:53,500
A woman who is
silent and compliant,

530
00:27:53,583 --> 00:27:56,292
overly silent
and overly compliant,

531
00:27:56,333 --> 00:27:59,458
her issue is not that she's
a godly, submissive woman.

532
00:27:59,500 --> 00:28:06,042
Her issue is that she
struggles with fear of man.

533
00:28:06,125 --> 00:28:09,167
Ed Welch, a biblical
counselor--we use this a lot.

534
00:28:09,208 --> 00:28:11,833
He's one of my favorite
biblical counseling authors.

535
00:28:11,917 --> 00:28:14,042
He says this:
"Fear in the biblical sense

536
00:28:14,125 --> 00:28:16,208
includes being afraid
of someone."

537
00:28:16,292 --> 00:28:20,542
She's afraid of her husband, or
his displeasure, or his anger,

538
00:28:20,625 --> 00:28:26,667
or his frustration,
or his discouragement.

539
00:28:26,708 --> 00:28:29,750
"But it extends to
holding someone in awe."

540
00:28:29,833 --> 00:28:33,208
He's way too big,
and Jesus is way too small.

541
00:28:33,292 --> 00:28:35,667
"Being controlled
or mastered by people."

542
00:28:35,708 --> 00:28:38,042
"I just do what he says."

543
00:28:38,125 --> 00:28:41,042
"Worshiping other people,
putting your trust in people

544
00:28:41,125 --> 00:28:42,833
"or needing people.

545
00:28:42,917 --> 00:28:45,458
"The fear of man can be
summarized in this way:

546
00:28:45,500 --> 00:28:47,958
"we replace God with people.

547
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,167
Instead of a biblically guided
fear of the Lord,"

548
00:28:50,208 --> 00:28:54,333
which is what the Bible
says, "we fear others.

549
00:28:54,375 --> 00:28:57,000
"When we are in our teens,
it is called 'peer pressure.'

550
00:28:57,042 --> 00:28:59,458
"When we are older, it is
called 'people-pleasing.'

551
00:28:59,500 --> 00:29:02,000
Recently, it has been
called 'codependency.'"

552
00:29:02,083 --> 00:29:06,750
And I would add, in an unhealthy
marriage, it is called enabling.

553
00:29:06,833 --> 00:29:10,458
There's a difference between
submitting and enabling.

554
00:29:10,500 --> 00:29:12,833
Submitting is "he is
submitting to the Lord,

555
00:29:12,917 --> 00:29:16,917
and I am submitting to him and
helping him to honor the Lord."

556
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:19,333
Enabling is "he is not
submitting to the Lord,

557
00:29:19,417 --> 00:29:25,458
"and I am still helping him to do
things or do things in ways that

558
00:29:25,500 --> 00:29:27,042
are dishonoring to the Lord."

559
00:29:27,125 --> 00:29:29,500
Why would a wife do that?

560
00:29:29,583 --> 00:29:31,125
And, again, back to the theme.

561
00:29:31,167 --> 00:29:32,708
It's disrespectful.

562
00:29:32,792 --> 00:29:35,125
It's disrespectful to the Lord,
and it's disrespectful to

563
00:29:35,167 --> 00:29:38,708
the husband, because the Bible
says in Genesis 2:18, ladies,

564
00:29:38,792 --> 00:29:41,125
you were built to be a what?

565
00:29:41,167 --> 00:29:42,667
A helper.

566
00:29:42,708 --> 00:29:45,833
And enabling is not helping.

567
00:29:45,917 --> 00:29:49,917
Enabling is not helping.

568
00:29:52,333 --> 00:29:57,208
But many women have fear
of men, fear of their man.

569
00:29:57,292 --> 00:30:00,333
The number one most frequent
command in the whole Bible

570
00:30:00,375 --> 00:30:03,667
is this: "Fear not."

571
00:30:03,708 --> 00:30:06,167
And in 1 Peter 3:6,

572
00:30:06,208 --> 00:30:08,833
it has
a specific application to wives.

573
00:30:08,917 --> 00:30:10,833
"Do not give way to fear."

574
00:30:10,917 --> 00:30:14,833
Another way of saying it
is, "Dear wife, fear not,

575
00:30:14,917 --> 00:30:16,333
"but do what is right.

576
00:30:16,375 --> 00:30:18,208
Say what is right."

577
00:30:18,292 --> 00:30:22,000
And you may think that by being
silently compliant you are being

578
00:30:22,083 --> 00:30:26,000
respectful, but you're
not respecting God's call.

579
00:30:26,083 --> 00:30:27,958
You're not respecting
God's Word,

580
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:30,833
and you're not respecting
God's will for your husband

581
00:30:30,917 --> 00:30:32,833
in marriage.

582
00:30:32,917 --> 00:30:36,167
Now, the second kind of
disrespectful woman is not

583
00:30:36,208 --> 00:30:38,250
silent and compliant.

584
00:30:38,333 --> 00:30:41,625
That's not ever been
a real issue for her.

585
00:30:41,667 --> 00:30:46,500
She is, rather, loud
and contentious.

586
00:30:46,583 --> 00:30:48,750
See, the first woman
looks respectful,

587
00:30:48,833 --> 00:30:50,500
but she's disrespectful.

588
00:30:50,583 --> 00:30:52,542
The second woman
looks disrespectful,

589
00:30:52,625 --> 00:30:56,458
because she's disrespectful.

590
00:30:56,500 --> 00:30:59,167
Proverbs talks a lot
about these women.

591
00:30:59,208 --> 00:31:01,167
Proverbs 12:4,
"An excellent wife is the crown

592
00:31:01,208 --> 00:31:04,167
"of her husband,
but she who brings shame

593
00:31:04,208 --> 00:31:06,208
is like rottenness
in his bones."

594
00:31:06,292 --> 00:31:09,167
The question is, ladies,
are you a crown or a cancer?

595
00:31:09,208 --> 00:31:14,333
Are you a glory,
or are you a misery?

596
00:31:15,833 --> 00:31:18,708
Here's a few women who are
cancers and not crowns.

597
00:31:18,792 --> 00:31:23,458
Proverbs 9:13,
"The woman Folly is loud."

598
00:31:23,500 --> 00:31:29,625
I said it like that
so you'd remember it.

599
00:31:29,667 --> 00:31:32,833
"She is seductive
and knows nothing."

600
00:31:32,875 --> 00:31:36,042
You know, if she's always
talking really loud,

601
00:31:36,125 --> 00:31:38,167
how could she know nothing?

602
00:31:38,208 --> 00:31:40,542
Oh, she can do it.

603
00:31:40,625 --> 00:31:43,417
She can tell you about anything,
and everything,

604
00:31:43,500 --> 00:31:44,958
and everyone, and anyone.

605
00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:46,958
She doesn't know what
she's talking about,

606
00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:52,750
but she's both
confident and loud.

607
00:31:52,833 --> 00:31:58,667
Some of you women have learned
that volume is your great ally.

608
00:31:58,750 --> 00:32:00,958
And it talks about
a seductive woman.

609
00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:03,958
The most disrespectful thing
a wife can be

610
00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:07,250
is flirtatious with other men;

611
00:32:07,333 --> 00:32:13,625
incredibly disrespectful,
shameful.

612
00:32:15,500 --> 00:32:17,500
Ladies, are you loud?

613
00:32:17,583 --> 00:32:22,167
Are you flirtatious
outside of your marriage?

614
00:32:22,208 --> 00:32:26,458
Proverbs 21:9, "It is better to
live in a corner of the housetop

615
00:32:26,500 --> 00:32:29,458
than a house shared with
a quarrelsome wife."

616
00:32:29,500 --> 00:32:30,833
Quarrelsome.

617
00:32:30,917 --> 00:32:33,625
Some of you ladies are
like, "I'm not quarrelsome!"

618
00:32:33,667 --> 00:32:35,625
Yes you are.

619
00:32:35,667 --> 00:32:37,000
"No, I'm not!"

620
00:32:37,083 --> 00:32:38,542
Yes, you are.

621
00:32:38,625 --> 00:32:41,542
"No, I'm not."

622
00:32:41,625 --> 00:32:44,167
Yeah, you are.

623
00:32:44,208 --> 00:32:46,000
"I just always have
to have the last word."

624
00:32:46,083 --> 00:32:49,542
Quarrelsome.

625
00:32:49,625 --> 00:32:51,458
"He needs to know how I feel."

626
00:32:51,500 --> 00:32:54,250
We all know how you feel.

627
00:32:54,333 --> 00:32:55,667
"It's good for him.

628
00:32:55,708 --> 00:32:57,500
It makes him tough."

629
00:32:57,542 --> 00:33:01,042
No, it makes him sad.

630
00:33:01,125 --> 00:33:02,500
Quarrelsome.

631
00:33:02,583 --> 00:33:05,625
And what the Bible rightly says
is, "If the wife is quarrelsome,

632
00:33:05,667 --> 00:33:07,833
the husband goes elsewhere."

633
00:33:07,917 --> 00:33:09,833
For this guy, he gets
all his camping gear,

634
00:33:09,917 --> 00:33:12,333
climbs up on the roof,
pulls the ladder up,

635
00:33:12,417 --> 00:33:15,250
so she can't find
him, sets up his tent,

636
00:33:15,333 --> 00:33:19,333
brings out his Coleman stove,
lays out his sleeping bag,

637
00:33:19,375 --> 00:33:22,542
and just sits there worshiping
God in silence

638
00:33:22,625 --> 00:33:27,917
for the first time
in his whole life!

639
00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:30,000
The point is,
if you're quarrelsome,

640
00:33:30,083 --> 00:33:31,458
you drive your husband away.

641
00:33:31,500 --> 00:33:33,458
That's why he doesn't
come home from work.

642
00:33:33,500 --> 00:33:34,833
That's why he stays late.

643
00:33:34,917 --> 00:33:36,708
That's why he goes
out for drinks.

644
00:33:36,792 --> 00:33:39,333
That's why he bought
one season ticket, not two.

645
00:33:39,375 --> 00:33:43,542
He finds a way to live his
life apart from you until,

646
00:33:43,625 --> 00:33:47,917
eventually, he does
that altogether.

647
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:52,042
Proverbs 27:15, "A continual
dripping on a rainy day

648
00:33:52,125 --> 00:33:55,083
and a quarrelsome wife
are alike."

649
00:33:55,167 --> 00:33:58,000
You guys ever had
gutter problems?

650
00:33:58,042 --> 00:34:01,417
Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip,

651
00:34:01,500 --> 00:34:03,667
drip, drip, drip, right?

652
00:34:03,708 --> 00:34:05,542
And we're in Seattle.

653
00:34:05,625 --> 00:34:09,167
You're like, "Six months of this
is like being in a POW camp.

654
00:34:09,208 --> 00:34:13,000
This is torture!
I'm going crazy!"

655
00:34:13,083 --> 00:34:17,167
Some women are just like that.

656
00:34:17,208 --> 00:34:21,833
Nag, gossip, yell, demand,
push, disrespect, disrespect,

657
00:34:21,875 --> 00:34:27,917
disrespect, disrespect
until the guy goes crazy.

658
00:34:31,208 --> 00:34:32,542
I'll tell you this, ladies.

659
00:34:32,625 --> 00:34:35,042
You're very powerful.

660
00:34:35,125 --> 00:34:37,042
And here's what'll happen.

661
00:34:37,125 --> 00:34:40,167
If you disrespect your husband,

662
00:34:40,208 --> 00:34:43,167
you put him
in a lose/lose scenario,

663
00:34:43,208 --> 00:34:45,667
especially if you do it
in front of other people.

664
00:34:45,708 --> 00:34:47,750
That's why some of you do.

665
00:34:47,833 --> 00:34:52,042
It's like a hostage situation.

666
00:34:52,125 --> 00:34:54,792
If you disrespect him,
here's his choices.

667
00:34:54,833 --> 00:34:59,083
"I respond to her, and then
I'm a bully, and I'm mean,

668
00:34:59,167 --> 00:35:00,667
"and I'm not very nice.

669
00:35:00,708 --> 00:35:03,333
"And I know she's going to get
loud and embarrass me

670
00:35:03,417 --> 00:35:05,333
"or cry and humiliate me.

671
00:35:05,417 --> 00:35:09,542
I can't beat this woman."

672
00:35:09,625 --> 00:35:13,958
Or he says, "Okay, I'm
just gonna take it,"

673
00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:16,500
and then he's a wuss.

674
00:35:16,583 --> 00:35:19,167
It's a lose/lose.

675
00:35:19,208 --> 00:35:24,125
A man can't win an argument
with a disrespectful wife.

676
00:35:24,167 --> 00:35:27,333
It's a lose/lose.

677
00:35:27,417 --> 00:35:34,042
Number two, if you disrespect
him, you will drive him away.

678
00:35:34,125 --> 00:35:39,750
I'm not saying it's right, but
I'm saying it's inevitable.

679
00:35:39,833 --> 00:35:43,708
Number three, you can
have a big, outgoing,

680
00:35:43,792 --> 00:35:47,833
vivacious personality
and still be respectful.

681
00:35:47,917 --> 00:35:50,042
And some of you have
believed a demonic lie:

682
00:35:50,125 --> 00:35:51,625
"I've got a big personality.

683
00:35:51,667 --> 00:35:54,167
"I'm an outgoing,
gregarious person.

684
00:35:54,208 --> 00:35:56,375
That's why I'm disrespectful."

685
00:35:56,458 --> 00:35:59,500
No, you can have
a big personality.

686
00:35:59,542 --> 00:36:01,125
You can be a strong gal.

687
00:36:01,167 --> 00:36:02,833
You can have strong opinions.

688
00:36:02,917 --> 00:36:07,708
You can be an extrovert
and still respectful.

689
00:36:07,792 --> 00:36:12,458
And number four, here's the
hard, cold, sad, painful truth.

690
00:36:12,500 --> 00:36:18,167
If you disrespect him and win,
so that you can rule over him,

691
00:36:18,208 --> 00:36:23,250
you will despise him and not
even be attracted to him.

692
00:36:23,333 --> 00:36:25,625
True or false?

693
00:36:25,667 --> 00:36:27,917
You're like, "I beat that guy.

694
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:29,958
"Now I feel like his mother.

695
00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:35,000
He's not even
interesting to me."

696
00:36:37,417 --> 00:36:41,458
In closing, how can you
disagree respectfully?

697
00:36:41,500 --> 00:36:43,333
Here's the truth.

698
00:36:43,417 --> 00:36:46,333
Just because he's the head and
she's the helper doesn't mean

699
00:36:46,417 --> 00:36:49,458
you'll always agree.

700
00:36:49,500 --> 00:36:51,125
It doesn't mean that a woman

701
00:36:51,167 --> 00:36:53,250
doesn't have
independent thoughts.

702
00:36:53,333 --> 00:36:55,375
But what do you do
when you disagree?

703
00:36:55,458 --> 00:36:57,083
Good question, right?

704
00:36:57,167 --> 00:36:59,500
How do you disagree
respectfully?

705
00:36:59,542 --> 00:37:01,333
Option number one,
most of the time,

706
00:37:01,417 --> 00:37:04,250
a husband and a wife lovingly
and patiently keep working for

707
00:37:04,333 --> 00:37:06,833
a unified decision, because
all the way back in Genesis,

708
00:37:06,917 --> 00:37:09,042
God wants you to be one.

709
00:37:09,125 --> 00:37:11,250
So, the husband and wife,
"We're going to pray.

710
00:37:11,333 --> 00:37:12,667
"We're going to talk.

711
00:37:12,708 --> 00:37:14,167
"We're going to do our research.

712
00:37:14,208 --> 00:37:16,333
"We're going to do our homework
about whatever decision

713
00:37:16,417 --> 00:37:19,333
"we need to make, so that we
can come to an agreement.

714
00:37:19,417 --> 00:37:22,333
"Yeah, we both believe this is
how we're going to do it

715
00:37:22,417 --> 00:37:24,833
and what we're going to do,
and we're aligned together."

716
00:37:24,917 --> 00:37:27,167
This should be the vast
majority of decision making

717
00:37:27,208 --> 00:37:29,667
in a marriage,
prayerfully, carefully

718
00:37:29,708 --> 00:37:32,542
coming to a unified agreement.

719
00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:35,833
But there are times where you
just don't come to an agreement.

720
00:37:35,917 --> 00:37:37,750
So then you have
additional options.

721
00:37:37,833 --> 00:37:40,167
Option number two.

722
00:37:40,208 --> 00:37:43,333
Some of the time--if this
is often in your marriage,

723
00:37:43,417 --> 00:37:46,250
you have a serious
underlying problem of trust,

724
00:37:46,333 --> 00:37:49,333
or theological disagreement,
or something of that nature.

725
00:37:49,375 --> 00:37:51,417
Some of the time,
a couple cannot agree,

726
00:37:51,500 --> 00:37:53,500
and so they bring
in a third party.

727
00:37:53,583 --> 00:37:55,583
Don't make it a family member.

728
00:37:55,667 --> 00:37:58,375
Not your mother,
not your father,

729
00:37:58,458 --> 00:38:01,333
not your friends,
not your drinking buddies.

730
00:38:01,417 --> 00:38:05,333
Don't try the case
at the local bar.

731
00:38:05,375 --> 00:38:08,833
Don't try the case
at the local women's ministry.

732
00:38:08,875 --> 00:38:10,958
Some of the time,
a couple cannot agree,

733
00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:13,250
and so they bring
in a third party,

734
00:38:13,333 --> 00:38:15,542
such as a ministry leader,
a Community Group leader,

735
00:38:15,625 --> 00:38:17,750
a Redemption Group leader,
biblical counselor, pastor,

736
00:38:17,833 --> 00:38:19,542
to help in the decision making.

737
00:38:19,625 --> 00:38:21,167
"Help us come to resolution.

738
00:38:21,208 --> 00:38:22,958
Help us to make the decision."

739
00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:27,042
If this happens frequently, you
have a crisis in your marriage.

740
00:38:27,125 --> 00:38:30,917
If it happens occasionally,
that's acceptable.

741
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:32,667
That's understandable.

742
00:38:32,708 --> 00:38:36,167
Or option number three on
how to disagree respectfully.

743
00:38:36,208 --> 00:38:39,125
Some of the time, the husband
makes the decision as the head

744
00:38:39,167 --> 00:38:44,042
of the home, and the wife
follows it by submitting.

745
00:38:44,125 --> 00:38:46,542
If he is wrong, he repents,
and she forgives,

746
00:38:46,625 --> 00:38:50,042
and together they work to fix
their problem or problems.

747
00:38:50,125 --> 00:38:52,750
Sometimes the husband
says, "We don't agree.

748
00:38:52,833 --> 00:38:54,792
"We talked to other people.

749
00:38:54,833 --> 00:38:57,500
"I need to make a decision.
I'm going to make it.

750
00:38:57,542 --> 00:38:59,958
"I have heard you.
Your input has been considered.

751
00:39:00,083 --> 00:39:01,833
"I'm going to take
responsibility.

752
00:39:01,917 --> 00:39:04,417
"If it goes poorly,
it's on me, not on you.

753
00:39:04,500 --> 00:39:07,000
"Please follow me.
Please trust me.

754
00:39:07,083 --> 00:39:08,417
"Please work with me.

755
00:39:08,500 --> 00:39:10,750
This is where we're going
and what we're doing."

756
00:39:10,833 --> 00:39:13,833
Those are the three ways
to disagree respectfully.

757
00:39:13,917 --> 00:39:17,042
Now, at the end of the day,
let's say that there is

758
00:39:17,125 --> 00:39:20,250
a wife who says,
"I'm being respectful,"

759
00:39:20,333 --> 00:39:23,667
and there's a husband
who says, "No, you're not."

760
00:39:23,708 --> 00:39:27,833
Who is the referee
that makes the call?

761
00:39:27,917 --> 00:39:29,833
Ephesians 5:21.

762
00:39:29,875 --> 00:39:33,042
And the whole section,
again, Ephesians 5:22-33,

763
00:39:33,125 --> 00:39:37,708
is about husbands leading,
loving as the head;

764
00:39:37,792 --> 00:39:41,708
wives respecting,
submitting as the helper.

765
00:39:41,792 --> 00:39:44,833
It's all prefaced, "Submit to
one another out of reverence

766
00:39:44,875 --> 00:39:46,667
for Christ."

767
00:39:46,708 --> 00:39:49,333
That means she gets to decide
whether or not he's being

768
00:39:49,417 --> 00:39:52,458
loving, and he gets to decide
whether or not

769
00:39:52,500 --> 00:39:55,042
she's being respectful.

770
00:39:55,125 --> 00:39:58,833
So, ladies, your husband has
the right to decide

771
00:39:58,917 --> 00:40:04,667
whether or not you are being
respectful or disrespectful.

772
00:40:04,708 --> 00:40:10,917
He gets to be the referee
on that particular issue.

773
00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:14,542
And with that,
I'll bring Grace out,

774
00:40:14,625 --> 00:40:18,208
and we'll do a little Q&A.

775
00:40:18,292 --> 00:40:20,667
I love you, ladies.

776
00:40:20,708 --> 00:40:23,167
I love you enough
to tell you the truth,

777
00:40:23,208 --> 00:40:27,667
because I want you to live
a life and have a marriage

778
00:40:27,708 --> 00:40:31,958
that's--I want you to live
a life and have a marriage

779
00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:35,750
that is biblical, and practical,
and functional,

780
00:40:35,833 --> 00:40:38,417
and ultimately is joyful.

781
00:40:38,500 --> 00:40:40,208
And that's what I want for you.

782
00:40:40,292 --> 00:40:41,625
Hey, baby.

783
00:40:41,667 --> 00:40:43,042
Great job.
You got 'em.

784
00:40:43,125 --> 00:40:44,750
Well, I preached
your whole chapter,

785
00:40:44,833 --> 00:40:47,250
so thank you for the content.

786
00:40:47,333 --> 00:40:49,458
How about we do some questions?

787
00:40:49,500 --> 00:40:51,333
See what we've got here.

788
00:40:51,375 --> 00:40:52,917
"My husband refuses to lead,

789
00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:54,792
"because he says
he doesn't know how.

790
00:40:54,833 --> 00:40:58,000
"I feel he is passive
and lacks a desire to step up.

791
00:40:58,042 --> 00:41:00,417
"I have lost respect
and trust in him.

792
00:41:00,500 --> 00:41:05,667
What is my role as a wife?"

793
00:41:05,708 --> 00:41:10,333
I would say encourage.

794
00:41:10,417 --> 00:41:14,042
And that may sound
strange for this question.

795
00:41:14,125 --> 00:41:17,667
It sounds like laziness,

796
00:41:17,708 --> 00:41:20,667
that he says he doesn't
know how to lead.

797
00:41:20,708 --> 00:41:23,250
If he is in a church,
if he's reading,

798
00:41:23,333 --> 00:41:25,833
if he's doing things
to want to lead,

799
00:41:25,917 --> 00:41:30,625
then to say that you don't
know how is a laziness issue.

800
00:41:30,667 --> 00:41:32,833
If he isn't surrounded
by community,

801
00:41:32,917 --> 00:41:36,125
isn't surrounded by teaching,
encourage that in him.

802
00:41:36,167 --> 00:41:38,958
Encourage him to have friends
that are good leaders,

803
00:41:39,000 --> 00:41:41,333
that will help him
in that process.

804
00:41:41,417 --> 00:41:43,167
Don't nag him.

805
00:41:43,208 --> 00:41:44,917
Pray for him.

806
00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:48,333
Encourage him to be who you
see God wants him to be,

807
00:41:48,375 --> 00:41:50,958
as a leader, as a head.

808
00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:54,333
Help him see ways that
you want to submit to him.

809
00:41:54,375 --> 00:41:57,500
If there's ways that you've
broken him down, as a wife,

810
00:41:57,542 --> 00:42:00,458
to make even make him want to
lead, like Mark talked about,

811
00:42:00,500 --> 00:42:03,417
the different types of women,
repent of that.

812
00:42:03,500 --> 00:42:06,208
Start with you repenting
of your own sin to him,

813
00:42:06,292 --> 00:42:10,333
so that he can see that there's
an opportunity there for him

814
00:42:10,375 --> 00:42:12,667
to change, as well.

815
00:42:12,708 --> 00:42:15,208
I would say he is leading.

816
00:42:15,292 --> 00:42:19,125
He's just leading poorly,
and sinfully, and weakly.

817
00:42:19,167 --> 00:42:22,458
The question, again, is never,
"Is the man the leader?"

818
00:42:22,500 --> 00:42:25,167
The question is always,
"How is he leading?"

819
00:42:25,208 --> 00:42:29,417
And so the myth
men tell themselves is simply,

820
00:42:29,500 --> 00:42:31,667
"I'm not a leader,
so I can't lead."

821
00:42:31,708 --> 00:42:35,958
You are leading, and your wife
and children are going to suffer

822
00:42:36,000 --> 00:42:39,750
or be blessed, depending
upon how well you lead.

823
00:42:39,833 --> 00:42:42,167
And so, yeah, the question
is not, "Is he leading?"

824
00:42:42,208 --> 00:42:45,542
The question is, "Is he leading
well, lovingly, humbly, boldly,

825
00:42:45,625 --> 00:42:50,500
sacrificially, like Christ?"

826
00:42:50,583 --> 00:42:57,375
I would say, as well, it may be
incumbent for you, as a woman,

827
00:42:57,458 --> 00:43:00,167
to let some things fall apart,

828
00:43:00,208 --> 00:43:02,833
which can be very hard
for a woman.

829
00:43:02,917 --> 00:43:05,750
"Well, he's not going to
take care of this or that,

830
00:43:05,833 --> 00:43:07,250
so I will."

831
00:43:07,333 --> 00:43:09,750
Well, maybe you just let it go.

832
00:43:09,833 --> 00:43:13,958
Just let it start
to slip and fall apart.

833
00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:16,917
And if he gets frustrated,
say, "Honey, I love you.

834
00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:18,750
"I want to follow you.

835
00:43:18,833 --> 00:43:20,542
"I want to help you.

836
00:43:20,625 --> 00:43:24,333
"You lead, and let me know
how I can come alongside,

837
00:43:24,417 --> 00:43:27,333
"but I'm not going
to do your job,

838
00:43:27,417 --> 00:43:29,500
"and I'm not going
to take your role.

839
00:43:29,583 --> 00:43:31,333
"I'm going to pray for you,
and love you,

840
00:43:31,375 --> 00:43:32,917
and encourage you,
and support you."

841
00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:34,833
And here's the hard,
cold, sad truth.

842
00:43:34,917 --> 00:43:38,167
If you're at Mars Hill,
there's no reason, as a man,

843
00:43:38,208 --> 00:43:41,667
not to know how to lead,
because there is an army of men

844
00:43:41,708 --> 00:43:44,917
who are leading,
not perfectly, but well,

845
00:43:45,000 --> 00:43:46,458
by the grace of God,

846
00:43:46,500 --> 00:43:49,042
and those men are very
glad to open their home,

847
00:43:49,125 --> 00:43:51,333
to open their life,
to open their calendar

848
00:43:51,417 --> 00:43:54,417
to serve you, to help you,
to teach you, to train you.

849
00:43:54,500 --> 00:43:57,542
The men of Mars Hill have
this deep in their DNA.

850
00:43:57,625 --> 00:44:00,833
They want to be
good men, God's men,

851
00:44:00,917 --> 00:44:04,250
and they want other men
to be good men and God's men,

852
00:44:04,333 --> 00:44:07,333
and they want the men
of Mars Hill to be a different

853
00:44:07,417 --> 00:44:10,167
kind of man, who raise
different kinds of sons.

854
00:44:10,208 --> 00:44:13,542
That's deep in the heart
of the men of this church.

855
00:44:13,625 --> 00:44:16,958
And you're probably, every
Sunday, sitting by them,

856
00:44:17,000 --> 00:44:20,042
and all you've got to do is
introduce yourself to them.

857
00:44:20,125 --> 00:44:21,917
Go to their Community Group.

858
00:44:22,000 --> 00:44:24,833
Sit on their couch,
and see what they do,

859
00:44:24,875 --> 00:44:26,708
and then ask them questions,

860
00:44:26,792 --> 00:44:29,333
and those men
will invest in you.

861
00:44:29,375 --> 00:44:31,750
There's thousands of men that
have had this experience

862
00:44:31,833 --> 00:44:33,333
at Mars Hill.

863
00:44:33,417 --> 00:44:34,833
And it is an excuse.

864
00:44:34,875 --> 00:44:36,750
It's like saying at
the grocery store,

865
00:44:36,833 --> 00:44:41,000
"I was starving to death."

866
00:44:41,083 --> 00:44:43,500
Avail yourself to all
the opportunities

867
00:44:43,583 --> 00:44:45,667
for nourishment.

868
00:44:45,708 --> 00:44:47,042
And it really is,

869
00:44:47,125 --> 00:44:50,125
it's really a weak man who
just sort of thinks passively

870
00:44:50,167 --> 00:44:53,250
that leadership skills
and modeling is supposed to come

871
00:44:53,333 --> 00:44:58,292
from the man fairy and just be
personally delivered to him.

872
00:44:58,333 --> 00:45:00,125
Men need to go get learning.

873
00:45:00,167 --> 00:45:01,833
Men need to go get modeling.

874
00:45:01,917 --> 00:45:04,167
Men need to go find other men.

875
00:45:04,208 --> 00:45:05,667
I'll be honest with you.

876
00:45:05,708 --> 00:45:08,667
When I first got saved,
I had never seen a man pray

877
00:45:08,708 --> 00:45:10,458
for his wife or children.

878
00:45:10,500 --> 00:45:12,833
I'd never seen
a family open the Bible.

879
00:45:12,917 --> 00:45:14,250
I'd never seen that.

880
00:45:14,333 --> 00:45:16,917
So, we found, we found
a family in our first church.

881
00:45:17,000 --> 00:45:18,333
It was an awesome church.

882
00:45:18,375 --> 00:45:20,167
And I told the story
about them.

883
00:45:20,208 --> 00:45:22,167
We recently got to
reconnect with them.

884
00:45:22,208 --> 00:45:28,500
Ten daughters,
two sons, one wife.

885
00:45:31,375 --> 00:45:33,167
Just do the math.

886
00:45:33,208 --> 00:45:35,708
It's Doug-a-rific
is what it is.

887
00:45:35,792 --> 00:45:38,417
And so we told them,
"You obviously can't afford

888
00:45:38,500 --> 00:45:40,833
a babysitter, and so we will
baby-sit your kids

889
00:45:40,875 --> 00:45:42,542
for date night."

890
00:45:42,625 --> 00:45:44,750
And we started babysitting
their kids on Friday night,

891
00:45:44,833 --> 00:45:46,750
and we got to see
them have dinner,

892
00:45:46,833 --> 00:45:49,125
and see them read
the Bible with their kids,

893
00:45:49,167 --> 00:45:51,333
and pray with their kids,
and correct their kids,

894
00:45:51,375 --> 00:45:53,667
and we got to learn
by watching their family,

895
00:45:53,708 --> 00:45:57,500
not just by taking from them,
but going to serve them.

896
00:45:57,542 --> 00:46:01,333
And the result was I learned
so much by just watching.

897
00:46:01,417 --> 00:46:06,417
"Oh, oh, the kid did something,
and the dad turned off the TV,

898
00:46:06,500 --> 00:46:08,958
"and walked over,
and got involved,

899
00:46:09,000 --> 00:46:12,250
"and talked at the heart level,
and didn't shame the kid,

900
00:46:12,333 --> 00:46:14,958
"and used gospel language
of sin and repentance,

901
00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:17,750
"and reminded him about Jesus,
and then prayed for them,

902
00:46:17,833 --> 00:46:20,042
"and then sent them to
apologize to their sibling,

903
00:46:20,125 --> 00:46:21,833
"and this is amazing.

904
00:46:21,917 --> 00:46:23,833
"Okay, this is what
it looks like.

905
00:46:23,875 --> 00:46:25,250
"It's dinnertime.

906
00:46:25,333 --> 00:46:27,042
"Oh, they pray
before the meal.

907
00:46:27,125 --> 00:46:29,208
"They sit down
and eat it together.

908
00:46:29,292 --> 00:46:31,833
"Look at that.
The TV is not even on.

909
00:46:31,917 --> 00:46:33,708
This is a miracle."

910
00:46:33,792 --> 00:46:35,167
It's just seeing things.

911
00:46:35,208 --> 00:46:37,167
And some of you men
are highly practical,

912
00:46:37,208 --> 00:46:40,167
which means you need to see
modeling, if you've not had it.

913
00:46:40,208 --> 00:46:43,000
But in Mars Hill Church,
there's no excuse not to see

914
00:46:43,083 --> 00:46:44,667
that kind of modeling.

915
00:46:44,708 --> 00:46:46,167
There's just no excuse.

916
00:46:46,250 --> 00:46:49,500
"Over time, my wife has
become more disrespectful.

917
00:46:49,542 --> 00:46:51,833
"How do I regain her respect
without being

918
00:46:51,917 --> 00:46:56,625
in constant conflict with her?"

919
00:46:56,667 --> 00:47:03,083
Again, repentance is
usually a part of the equation.

920
00:47:03,167 --> 00:47:09,583
If there's ways that you
have been unloving to her,

921
00:47:09,667 --> 00:47:13,708
her sin is her sin,
so she shouldn't have responded

922
00:47:13,792 --> 00:47:16,708
even to your unloving
with disrespect.

923
00:47:16,792 --> 00:47:19,000
But if there's ways
that you can look at,

924
00:47:19,083 --> 00:47:22,667
since you're the one asking
the question, that you can see,

925
00:47:22,750 --> 00:47:26,500
and ask the Lord, that you've
been sinning against her

926
00:47:26,583 --> 00:47:29,000
and not being loving,
then I would say that

927
00:47:29,083 --> 00:47:31,292
that's a good place to start.

928
00:47:31,333 --> 00:47:36,208
And if a woman is disrespectful,
there can be fear behind that.

929
00:47:36,292 --> 00:47:39,833
There can just be
plain old sin and rebellion,

930
00:47:39,875 --> 00:47:41,500
pride, bitterness.

931
00:47:41,542 --> 00:47:44,000
So, it can be a lot
of things behind that.

932
00:47:44,042 --> 00:47:46,167
And to get to that,
you need to, again,

933
00:47:46,250 --> 00:47:49,375
make a safe place for her to
come and break before the Lord,

934
00:47:49,458 --> 00:47:51,000
have her heart broken,

935
00:47:51,042 --> 00:47:54,500
and so that that disrespect
is taken away.

936
00:47:54,583 --> 00:47:58,333
So, to come to her
and say, "This is the area,"

937
00:47:58,375 --> 00:48:00,708
or "These are the areas
I've been convicted that

938
00:48:00,792 --> 00:48:04,333
I have not loved you,
and I apologize for that."

939
00:48:04,375 --> 00:48:07,417
Not doing that so that
she will repent of hers,

940
00:48:07,500 --> 00:48:10,167
but doing that so that
you're right before the Lord,

941
00:48:10,250 --> 00:48:12,375
and then asking the Lord
to soften her heart

942
00:48:12,458 --> 00:48:13,875
in that process.

943
00:48:13,958 --> 00:48:16,417
We've had to do that
a lot through the years,

944
00:48:16,500 --> 00:48:19,125
where when there's not always
a time to discuss each other's

945
00:48:19,167 --> 00:48:21,000
unlovingness or disrespect,

946
00:48:21,083 --> 00:48:24,708
it's not always something
we get to speak into.

947
00:48:24,792 --> 00:48:26,875
God uses other people.

948
00:48:26,958 --> 00:48:29,792
God uses the Holy Spirit
in whatever way he wants

949
00:48:29,833 --> 00:48:31,333
to convict us.

950
00:48:31,375 --> 00:48:33,500
And so, for me, I've
learned, through time,

951
00:48:33,583 --> 00:48:36,583
whether it's something that I'm
going to speak to Mark about,

952
00:48:36,667 --> 00:48:39,500
or if it's something I'm not
going to speak to him about

953
00:48:39,583 --> 00:48:41,292
and just work through
with the Lord,

954
00:48:41,333 --> 00:48:43,083
I always need to start
with prayer.

955
00:48:43,167 --> 00:48:45,083
"And, Lord, where
have I sinned in this?

956
00:48:45,167 --> 00:48:47,500
"If I've sinned in this,
show me where I've sinned,

957
00:48:47,583 --> 00:48:48,917
so that I can repent."

958
00:48:49,000 --> 00:48:51,583
And then it gives me a lot
more graciousness toward him,

959
00:48:51,667 --> 00:48:54,042
when I'm going to
address an issue,

960
00:48:54,125 --> 00:48:56,333
instead of going
hard-hearted, or bitter,

961
00:48:56,417 --> 00:48:59,750
or thinking that somehow
my sin is better than his.

962
00:48:59,833 --> 00:49:02,625
So, repentance is
a great place to start,

963
00:49:02,667 --> 00:49:06,000
and oftentimes it'll soften
the disrespectful woman

964
00:49:06,042 --> 00:49:08,333
and allow her to say,
"You know what?

965
00:49:08,375 --> 00:49:09,917
"You're right.

966
00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:12,583
"You may have been unloving,
but I was disrespectful.

967
00:49:12,667 --> 00:49:14,833
"Let's get
on the same page with this.

968
00:49:14,875 --> 00:49:17,708
"Let's walk toward oneness,
toward friendship.

969
00:49:17,792 --> 00:49:21,208
How can we work on this
together, instead of division."

970
00:49:21,292 --> 00:49:23,125
And sometimes,
too, as a husband,

971
00:49:23,167 --> 00:49:25,000
it's waiting
for the right time, saying,

972
00:49:25,083 --> 00:49:27,417
"Well, we're in the middle of
dinner with the family,

973
00:49:27,500 --> 00:49:29,292
"or there's a bunch
of people here.

974
00:49:29,333 --> 00:49:31,292
Now is not the best time."

975
00:49:31,333 --> 00:49:32,792
So, it's picking a time,

976
00:49:32,833 --> 00:49:35,708
and then it's giving
specific examples,

977
00:49:35,792 --> 00:49:40,583
and it's inviting her
to see it and even saying,

978
00:49:40,667 --> 00:49:44,500
"Okay, honey, earlier, when you
said this, or when you sneered,

979
00:49:44,583 --> 00:49:49,208
"when you rolled your eyes,
when you just kind of lost it,

980
00:49:49,292 --> 00:49:52,375
"it was really disrespectful.

981
00:49:52,458 --> 00:49:55,167
Do you see that?"

982
00:49:55,250 --> 00:49:57,500
Give her
an opportunity to agree.

983
00:49:57,583 --> 00:49:58,917
If she agrees,
says, "Yeah,"

984
00:49:59,000 --> 00:50:01,583
say, "Okay, I really appreciate
you acknowledging that.

985
00:50:01,667 --> 00:50:04,000
"In those moments, what
could I do to help you,

986
00:50:04,083 --> 00:50:06,625
"so that we
could be one and not two,

987
00:50:06,667 --> 00:50:08,625
and we could be allies
and not enemies?"

988
00:50:08,667 --> 00:50:10,125
And listen.

989
00:50:10,167 --> 00:50:12,625
And if she says, "No, I'm
not, I'm not disrespectful,"

990
00:50:12,667 --> 00:50:15,125
I think then, as a husband,
you've got to lovingly,

991
00:50:15,167 --> 00:50:18,833
but firmly, say,
"Actually, you were.

992
00:50:18,875 --> 00:50:25,208
"And I love you, but you
can't continue to sin

993
00:50:25,292 --> 00:50:30,000
"and think that it's going
to improve our marriage.

994
00:50:30,042 --> 00:50:33,708
"And what I want is not you
just to lose this argument.

995
00:50:33,792 --> 00:50:38,000
"I want us to lose this sin,
so that we can be friends,

996
00:50:38,083 --> 00:50:41,125
"so that we can be close,
so that we can obey God,

997
00:50:41,167 --> 00:50:43,917
so that we could take
good care of each other."

998
00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:47,208
And it's inviting the wife
to have an identity

999
00:50:47,292 --> 00:50:49,833
apart from her sin.

1000
00:50:49,875 --> 00:50:52,250
"You're a daughter of God.
He loves you.

1001
00:50:52,333 --> 00:50:53,958
"You're forgiven in Christ.

1002
00:50:54,000 --> 00:50:56,250
"I love you.
I'm in covenant with you.

1003
00:50:56,333 --> 00:50:59,125
"I'm committed to you.
I want to be one with you.

1004
00:50:59,167 --> 00:51:03,333
"This sin is getting between
us, and this sin is not you.

1005
00:51:03,375 --> 00:51:04,833
"It's something you did,

1006
00:51:04,875 --> 00:51:06,500
"but it's something
you can repent of,

1007
00:51:06,583 --> 00:51:09,125
so that we can be
closer and together."

1008
00:51:09,167 --> 00:51:12,000
And in those moments, when you
shove that identity on the wife,

1009
00:51:12,083 --> 00:51:15,125
"You are disrespectful--"
I've done that.

1010
00:51:15,167 --> 00:51:18,208
Holy smokes, I've done
that more than 50 times.

1011
00:51:18,292 --> 00:51:19,875
"You are disrespectful."

1012
00:51:19,958 --> 00:51:23,208
What you're doing, then, you're
giving your wife an identity.

1013
00:51:23,292 --> 00:51:24,667
"You're disrespectful."

1014
00:51:24,750 --> 00:51:26,167
And then she says, "I'm not!"

1015
00:51:26,250 --> 00:51:28,125
Okay, now you're fighting
over the wrong thing.

1016
00:51:28,167 --> 00:51:29,917
"You're my wife.
I love you.

1017
00:51:30,000 --> 00:51:32,000
"What you said or did
was disrespectful.

1018
00:51:32,083 --> 00:51:34,125
"Can you see that
and repent of that?

1019
00:51:34,167 --> 00:51:36,500
"And in the future,
how could I help you,

1020
00:51:36,583 --> 00:51:39,583
"so that we don't go back
to that way of thinking,

1021
00:51:39,667 --> 00:51:42,625
or speaking, or acting?"

1022
00:51:42,667 --> 00:51:46,125
And it's inviting her to be with
you and to walk away from

1023
00:51:46,167 --> 00:51:49,167
the sin, not shaming her
and having the sin be

1024
00:51:49,250 --> 00:51:51,375
the totality of her identity.

1025
00:51:51,458 --> 00:51:53,958
And I think that's usually
where the real conflict comes.

1026
00:51:54,000 --> 00:51:55,458
"You're disrespectful."

1027
00:51:55,500 --> 00:51:56,958
"No, I'm not."

1028
00:51:57,000 --> 00:51:58,750
Now we're fighting
over the identity.

1029
00:51:58,833 --> 00:52:01,083
"Let's let
the identity be in Christ,

1030
00:52:01,167 --> 00:52:03,917
"and let's let the sin
be dealt with at the cross,

1031
00:52:04,000 --> 00:52:06,292
"and let's be one,
instead of two,

1032
00:52:06,333 --> 00:52:08,125
and let's move on together."

1033
00:52:08,167 --> 00:52:10,833
And any way a husband can
respectfully, with his tone,

1034
00:52:10,875 --> 00:52:13,500
not in front of other
people, at the right time,

1035
00:52:13,583 --> 00:52:16,000
when they can talk about it,
with a specific example,

1036
00:52:16,042 --> 00:52:19,333
points it out to her,
then, hopefully,

1037
00:52:19,375 --> 00:52:22,833
she submits to the Holy Spirit,
who convicts us of sin and says,

1038
00:52:22,875 --> 00:52:24,833
"Okay, I see that.
I'm sorry."

1039
00:52:24,875 --> 00:52:26,333
"Great.

1040
00:52:26,375 --> 00:52:27,917
"Whew, okay, sweetheart,
going forward,

1041
00:52:28,000 --> 00:52:30,875
what can I do to be more
helpful in this area?"

1042
00:52:30,958 --> 00:52:33,083
And inviting her
to be honest with you.

1043
00:52:33,167 --> 00:52:36,000
If your wife bristles or fights,
you've got to pray for her.

1044
00:52:36,083 --> 00:52:38,375
You may need to continue
to press the issue,

1045
00:52:38,458 --> 00:52:41,167
not in an argumentative or
combative way; in a way, saying,

1046
00:52:41,250 --> 00:52:43,000
"Honey, I really do love you.

1047
00:52:43,083 --> 00:52:44,417
"And just because
you're stubborn

1048
00:52:44,500 --> 00:52:46,417
"doesn't mean
I'm going to let this go.

1049
00:52:46,500 --> 00:52:47,833
It's important."

1050
00:52:47,875 --> 00:52:50,292
And if she cries
and freaks out, you could say,

1051
00:52:50,333 --> 00:52:52,333
"I love you, but this is
manipulation."

1052
00:52:52,417 --> 00:52:56,042
And you love her enough
to keep pursuing her.

1053
00:52:56,125 --> 00:52:58,667
And it's not loving
to say, "I give up.

1054
00:52:58,708 --> 00:53:02,208
I'm okay with sin, and I
don't have any hope for you."

1055
00:53:02,292 --> 00:53:04,500
That's not, that's not
really loving her

1056
00:53:04,542 --> 00:53:08,500
like Christ loves the church.

1057
00:53:08,583 --> 00:53:11,167
Wow, that got heavy.

1058
00:53:11,250 --> 00:53:14,625
Why don't you close
our time in prayer?

1059
00:53:14,667 --> 00:53:18,125
Maybe pray for the men
to be more respectable

1060
00:53:18,167 --> 00:53:21,708
and for the women
to be more respectful.

1061
00:53:21,792 --> 00:53:24,125
Thanks, baby.

1062
00:53:24,167 --> 00:53:26,208
Lord, thank you,
again, for this time.

1063
00:53:26,292 --> 00:53:32,375
Lord, I ask you to convict
us all of our sin; as women,

1064
00:53:32,458 --> 00:53:36,917
of disrespect; as men,
of unloving times.

1065
00:53:37,000 --> 00:53:41,125
Lord, I just pray that you would
teach us what that looks like in

1066
00:53:41,167 --> 00:53:44,875
our marriages, that we would be
willing to ask each other

1067
00:53:44,958 --> 00:53:49,625
how we can better respect
and love each other.

1068
00:53:49,667 --> 00:53:51,667
Lord, you gave us
those commands,

1069
00:53:51,750 --> 00:53:54,167
and we need to trust you,

1070
00:53:54,208 --> 00:53:56,750
that that's what's best
for our marriages.

1071
00:53:56,833 --> 00:53:58,833
So, I pray that
we would do that,

1072
00:53:58,917 --> 00:54:02,125
that we would pray over each
other and for each other,

1073
00:54:02,167 --> 00:54:04,625
and that we would not see
each other's sin

1074
00:54:04,667 --> 00:54:06,625
as worse than our own.

1075
00:54:06,667 --> 00:54:10,125
Thank you, Lord, for convicting
us, for forgiving us,

1076
00:54:10,167 --> 00:54:12,125
and for healing us,
in Jesus' name.

1077
00:54:12,167 --> 00:54:13,500
Amen.

1078
00:54:13,583 --> 00:54:16,792
At this point, we're going
to respect, to use the theme,

1079
00:54:16,833 --> 00:54:18,917
we're going to
respect what God says,

1080
00:54:19,000 --> 00:54:20,667
so we're going to collect
our offering.

1081
00:54:20,750 --> 00:54:23,833
And this is where we, we respect
the commands of Scripture,

1082
00:54:23,875 --> 00:54:25,583
that we don't
worship our wealth,

1083
00:54:25,667 --> 00:54:29,208
but we worship with our wealth,
that we give generously,

1084
00:54:29,292 --> 00:54:30,625
and we give gladly.

1085
00:54:30,667 --> 00:54:33,167
That's what Paul says
in 2 Corinthians 8 and 9.

1086
00:54:33,250 --> 00:54:36,833
So, as we collect the offering,
we're respecting the Word of God

1087
00:54:36,875 --> 00:54:39,292
and saying, "God, everything
we have comes from you;

1088
00:54:39,333 --> 00:54:42,000
"and out of respect,
we want to give back,

1089
00:54:42,083 --> 00:54:44,625
so that the gospel
would go forward."

1090
00:54:44,667 --> 00:54:47,000
And as they're collecting
the offering, as well,

1091
00:54:47,083 --> 00:54:50,417
we're going to respect the Word
of God by asking you ladies

1092
00:54:50,500 --> 00:54:54,458
to take a bit of time, before
you partake of Communion,

1093
00:54:54,500 --> 00:54:58,208
where we remember the broken
body and shed blood of Jesus,

1094
00:54:58,292 --> 00:55:01,625
that our sin is such a big
deal, that God died for it,

1095
00:55:01,667 --> 00:55:05,583
I want you ladies to, in
any way that is appropriate,

1096
00:55:05,667 --> 00:55:08,625
repent to your husband
of being disrespectful.

1097
00:55:08,667 --> 00:55:11,000
And it's okay to cry
and get emotional.

1098
00:55:11,083 --> 00:55:13,917
And before we conclude
our time together, today,

1099
00:55:14,000 --> 00:55:16,125
it's really important to
honestly take the time

1100
00:55:16,167 --> 00:55:18,125
and do that,
so that walking out,

1101
00:55:18,167 --> 00:55:20,833
your husband doesn't have that
awkward car ride home,

1102
00:55:20,875 --> 00:55:22,417
like, "Do I ask?

1103
00:55:22,500 --> 00:55:25,292
Hey, what did you think
about the sermon?"

1104
00:55:25,333 --> 00:55:27,500
Go first.

1105
00:55:27,583 --> 00:55:29,000
Tell him, "Honey, I heard it.

1106
00:55:29,083 --> 00:55:31,000
"Here's some things
I'm thinking about.

1107
00:55:31,042 --> 00:55:32,833
"Please forgive me.

1108
00:55:32,875 --> 00:55:34,917
And here's the ways
you can help me."

1109
00:55:35,000 --> 00:55:37,625
That'll open up
a loving, gracious dialog,

1110
00:55:37,667 --> 00:55:39,667
instead of conflict.

1111
00:55:39,750 --> 00:55:45,708
You men, if you've been, or are
being disrespectable in any way,

1112
00:55:45,792 --> 00:55:47,625
repent of that
and tell your wife,

1113
00:55:47,667 --> 00:55:49,917
"I know you've had
a hard time respecting me,

1114
00:55:50,000 --> 00:55:51,917
"and it's because I've not
been very respectable,

1115
00:55:52,000 --> 00:55:53,667
and I ask your
forgiveness for that."

1116
00:55:53,708 --> 00:55:56,667
And after you repent of sin to
one another--and for those of

1117
00:55:56,708 --> 00:55:58,833
you who are single, this
includes you, as well.

1118
00:55:58,917 --> 00:56:01,417
Is there anything in your life
where you are disrespecting

1119
00:56:01,500 --> 00:56:03,917
the Word of God and maybe even
disrespecting the spouse

1120
00:56:04,000 --> 00:56:05,333
that God may bring you?

1121
00:56:05,375 --> 00:56:06,708
Repent of that.

1122
00:56:06,792 --> 00:56:08,917
And then partake of Communion,
remembering the broken body

1123
00:56:09,000 --> 00:56:10,417
and shed blood of Jesus.

1124
00:56:10,500 --> 00:56:12,625
And for those of you
who are not Christians,

1125
00:56:12,667 --> 00:56:14,833
we want you to respect
the Lord Jesus

1126
00:56:14,875 --> 00:56:16,625
by not just hearing about him,

1127
00:56:16,667 --> 00:56:20,000
but trusting in him;
by not just listening about sin,

1128
00:56:20,083 --> 00:56:23,208
but putting sin to death,
because Jesus died for it;

1129
00:56:23,292 --> 00:56:26,833
by giving him your sin
and receiving his salvation.

1130
00:56:26,875 --> 00:56:28,833
And then we're
all going to sing.

1131
00:56:28,875 --> 00:56:32,208
And one of the things I want you
to focus on with me, today,

1132
00:56:32,292 --> 00:56:34,333
is, as we sing, we're
respecting Jesus.

1133
00:56:34,375 --> 00:56:37,000
We're singing about
him, not ourselves.

1134
00:56:37,083 --> 00:56:39,333
We're singing to him,
not ourselves.

1135
00:56:39,375 --> 00:56:44,083
We're singing as an act of
humility, as an act of faith,

1136
00:56:44,167 --> 00:56:49,167
as an act of trust, as an act
of love, as an act of adoration.

1137
00:56:49,250 --> 00:56:51,750
And one of the ways
that we, as Christians,

1138
00:56:51,833 --> 00:56:56,042
show respect for Jesus is
we worship him by giving,

1139
00:56:56,125 --> 00:57:00,125
to be sure, repenting of
sin, partaking of Communion,

1140
00:57:00,167 --> 00:57:01,917
and singing.

1141
00:57:02,000 --> 00:57:04,625
And so that will now be your
opportunity to respect

1142
00:57:04,667 --> 00:57:06,667
the Word of God.