Jackie, a longtime member at the Sammamish church, wrote yesterday about her study of God’s word within the context of tremendous loss, which she continues today when, four months after the death of her son Zeke, Jackie found out she was pregnant again.
–Hilary
Letting go of fear and desire
Still reeling from baby Zeke’s death, the idea of having another baby was almost too much for my mind. The doctors were worried about the baby being too small, so we were sent in for extra testing. I felt like I was barely surviving as it was, and to think of losing a child again felt like more than I could bear.
The morning before a critical ultrasound, I read the account of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, just before his death. He prays, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will” (Matt. 26:39). Jesus let go of his desire and gave it up to his Father. It pierced my heart to think that I might lose another child, but when I looked at the good of the cross and what it accomplished for mankind, I realized that God works in ways beyond my understanding. I had a choice to either trust him with this baby, or live in fear of losing this child for the rest of my life.
I wept my heart out in the floor of my closet that morning. I had to let go of trying to protect myself from more pain and clung to the only One who knew more of my pain than I even did. I did not want to face the hurt, but I had to. I wept for the son I no longer held, for the child growing within me, for the pain my husband and other children carried—all of it. As I broke, I embraced that God was in control and I was not. I surrendered it all back to my Father. Slowly, peace seeped back into my soul. God had not left us when Zeke died, nor would he ever leave us, no matter what the future held. It didn’t matter what the ultrasound told us—God was with us.
Thirteen months after Zeke died, God gave us our son Gideon, through whom he’s taught us how to be joyful again. Amazingly, Gideon was born weighing over nine pounds and was my biggest baby!
Every minute, every day
God is showing me that I need him every minute of every day. I had thought that by going through of a trial like this, I would have “improved” as a Christian and wouldn’t be so helpless; the only “improvement” is that I see my desperate need to be saved by Jesus each day. I’ve had to lay Gideon down for a nap every day since he was born, realizing that I do not have control over this sweet boy’s life. I fight fear when any of my kids get sick. I feel other’s pain to my very core, and if someone loses a child I grieve as though it were Zeke. I also struggle with feeling lonely in my sorrow, selfish in my grief. It’s all too easy to make it about me.
God does what he wants (Dan. 4:35) and doesn’t owe me anything. At the same time, he is a good Father who made me, who loves me, and knows what is best. I can trust him. He loves me so much that he became a bereaved parent himself, sending his only Son to die in my place (1 John 4:9), so that one day I will live in heaven with him (John 3:16), and with my son. This is the truth that has held me. I have and still will wrestle out accepting his plan at times, but I know he will be with me every step of the way. I need to read and study God’s Word to keep all of that truth on the forefront of my mind. The Bible makes all the difference in how I grieve.
My heart no longer hopes for heaven on earth. A piece of my heart resides in heaven, with my Savior and my boy (Matt. 6:21). I’m so looking forward to going home.
Hope in heaven, not happiness
Hard things are going to come into all of our lives. They may take different forms, but we all live in a broken, imperfect world. When your world collapses, or if it already has, where are you going to turn? I had always wondered if I would turn away from God if I lost a child. But I couldn’t. And it wasn’t because I had so much faith and held on to him so well—it is because he poured his love into us through his church and his word and his Son. He held onto us.
God’s word is unchanging, and points to the only One who can give you and me real hope in the midst of pain and sorrow. There will be a point where you will have to decide what you will stand on. My prayer for every hurting person is that he or she would open the Bible for him or herself, and to “taste and see that the LORD is good” (Ps. 34:8). When we trust in him, we walk through sorrow and suffering with the only One who really understands the depth to which we hurt, who loves us through it, who suffered fully on our behalf, and who offers us an eternity with him in perfect joy.
For the Christian, expect to suffer here but don’t live in fear of it. The perfect life waits for you and me in heaven, so please don’t try to make your life a mini-heaven here. You won’t be destroyed, by God’s grace, when your life here turns out not to be heaven. I’d encourage you not to spend the bulk of your prayer life asking for God to grant blessings on you and those you love, asking God to make you “happy”—joy comes as we honestly, humbly, come to God, acknowledging that he is God and we are not, giving him the reins of our lives. He is trustworthy. The Christian’s life is to be about the gospel. We have work to do, and our suffering will serve to advance the gospel if we let God work (Phil. 1:12). Dig into his Word and seek out the God who saves you. I promise, it will change everything.
If you’ve gone through something along the same lines as Jackie, you might be interested in Redemption Groups. Redemption Groups are intense small groups that dig deep into difficult and seldom-discussed areas of life, such as abuse, addiction, and trials of all sorts. These groups are highly participatory and seek to show how the gospel of Jesus is relevant to all troubles in life, even the most serious of troubles. For more info, go here or talk with a church leader at your local Mars Hill church on Sunday.
