In her previous post, Deacon Kelly Cowan wrote on the importance of having an accountability relationship with another brother or sister in Christ and the value of having biblical intentionality. In this post, she addresses the possible obstacles and questions regarding Christian community and accountability.
You may feel like you are all alone. You look to your right and to your left and you struggle to see someone you can call a good friend with true sincerity. But the truth is that as a believer, you are known fully and befriended by a gracious, present God who has declared you his child (Rom. 8:15–16). The Lord has also graced you with a place in the body of Christ (Eph. 4:11–13). You have a role as a brother or a sister, and in return, you have many brothers and sisters. The Father created us for loving community. God is perfect love, and as he loves us, our hearts are filled up as we learn to love others like he does.
Don’t passively wait to be pursued
Often times we are waiting for others to be the sort of loving brothers and sisters the Bible describes in biblical fellowship, but we are not asking for God to give us the grace to be that to others first. Even though that is the harder thing to do—pursue instead of waiting to be pursued—that is what Christ did for us and he asks us to imitate him in all things. “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19).
As you grow in this community of believers, begin to notice relationships rising up next to you. Though you may not see a best friend bond, you may see a faint but promising friendship forming with another person in your life, and they may need you, too. This may be someone with whom you can form what Christians commonly refer to as an accountability relationship—in other words, a believer to meet with regularly for encouragement, confession and prayer.
When my accountability partner and I started meeting, I had not spent a great deal of time with her, but I genuinely liked and respected her and saw that she loved Jesus with her whole heart. This was a good place to start. I knew I could trust her resolve to help me turn to Jesus, point me to Scripture, and pray with me even though she did not know me well yet. Through our meetings, she is now one of my best friends and I would show up on her doorstep in tears if I needed her. Accountability grew us. And I think it surprised us, too.
Do pray for God to provide
Obstacles like to rise up in our minds and give plausible objections to why we are the exception to this sort of intimacy. They are lies but they are convincing, with reasons like: I have old relationships that cannot be replaced by new people. Everyone is already close to one another, except for me. Rejection is too likely. People will fail me, like before. I have decent relationships that are “good enough” so why try for more?
Many of those obstacles are lies that paralyze us from living in loving, intimate community with sisters and brothers. If you don’t know where to start with community or finding accountability, pray fervently and use the Bible to combat lies that keep you alone. Keep close watch and pursue friendships, asking God to fill you with his love for people, even though the lies might tell you that it is too risky. God took a greater risk in pursuing us while we were still sinners and completely disinterested in him. If others do not respond to us or to our pursuits the way we hope, we are not left standing alone. Our hearts are searched and known completely by God himself, so we are absolutely secure.
A few guidelines to keep in mind
If you are interested in accountability, but you do not know whom to ask, consider:
- Accountability should always be with someone of the same gender. This protects your marriage, guards your heart, removes distraction, is above reproach in our culture, and provides obvious commonality as you both struggle to grow in the Lord in your roles and callings.
- Accountability should be for mutual edification. It’s not just about you. It’s not just about them. It’s mutual affection.
- Asking your spouse if they agree with you in trusting the person you will be meeting with is important. Accountability can be very personal, and though it should be very respectful, void of gossip, and not exposing of our spouse’s sins or stories, it still hits close to home. Having agreement about who you meet with gives peace and trust to our spouse. This is very good and freeing.
- Being yoked similarly is very helpful. If a mature believer of many years meets with a brand new believer, this is a mentoring relationship, not accountability. Mentoring is another very valuable relationship, but it is not the same as accountability.
In addition to marriage?
If you are blessed with a flourishing marriage, you might not see the need to pursue an accountability partner. These are the reasons I would submit for accountability in addition to a growing relationship with your spouse:
- Even if your marriage is growing and strong, your marriage itself also benefits from accountability. An accountability partner would help you to continue to grow as a spouse, and this will help continue to bless your marriage.
- There will always be struggles and sin in marriage because we are human. We need someone other than our spouses to know about it, as the sin in marriage can be with or toward that person. We cannot always predict when we will face weaknesses in our marriage, and when trial comes, this could isolate the problems in your marriage or make you want to hide them.
- We have different roles than our spouses, so although we can be best friends with them, it is particularly helpful to grow in our particular roles as daughters, wives, and mothers—or sons, husbands, and dads. In our roles, we also have shared struggles with sin that we can take to our accountability relationship and be challenged to submit to Christ.
To the glory of God
The Lord has purposes for the relationships in your life to grow you and glorify himself. Give him control of building community in your life by opening up your heart to being a true brother or sister. And when he leads you, do not be afraid, but be assured that the Lord takes notice of you and that, because of his love, you will always be known.
