Most of my “heart friends” live 3,000 miles away. It’s a little bit far when life hits and you just want to grab a coffee. I know their struggles, tendencies, spiritual gifts, beliefs and what beloved t-shirt I need to get back from them next time I’m in town. We are certainly accountable to one another for life, as they will always be there. Yet, I have found that there is a “present-ness” in having a specific person face to face with whom I have said, let’s do accountability together. This doesn’t necessarily mean it surpasses other relationships in depth, but it is a consistent, present-minded ministry to my spirit and my life. Romans 1:11–12 says it best: “For I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you—that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith, both yours and mine.” Meeting together with one believer, on a regular basis, is a verbal recording of our testimonies together that is always inquiring, “what page are you on now?”
I am currently in an accountability relationship with my friend Annie. This started as an accountability between four friends every week while our babies slept in different rooms with sound machines gushing from under slits of doorways. With twin toddlers and a baby, I knew I needed to meet because of my desperation for Jesus in a very particular season, with much demand on my body and heart. Though two of our friends moved away, Annie and I have continued to meet over the years, every couple of weeks, coming together with purpose, coffee, and always much needed laughter.
Giving another sister in Christ the permission to help me see Christ in all of my comings and goings has given me a healthy anchor to what the Holy Spirit, my Counselor, is up to in my life. Sometimes I am only stewing around in despair and just behind me my friend sees springs of life welling up and she declares it to me so I can turn around and see for myself. Sometimes I am busy delighting in the revelation of a new verse but she sees me simultaneously clutching an ugly wad of mucky bitterness behind my back over something else. Sometimes I literally have nothing to say and I just need to sit and listen to her story, her growing testimony, her joys, her faith-determined-declarations of God’s reality so that my slowed and melancholic heart can be pumped back to life again in true hope of the living God.
Although accountability relationships have a variety of methods for discussion, we settled on three simple questions:
1. What are you learning from the Lord lately?
The Lord wants us to enjoy him and revel in him. This question gives us a place to begin with our excited scribbles in notebooks, our personal encouragement from Scripture, and with proclamation of the work we see him doing in our lives but rarely get to share in other community gatherings because of their size and time constrictions.
2. What do you need to confess?
Confession is not meant to be a time taking turns beating yourselves up and it is also not a place to be competitively thinking, I’ll share a sin that seems about as bad as her sin. It is a personal and honest response to the Holy Spirit’s work of bringing the truth about our lives to the surface of our hearts. Confession does not end with feeling horrible about our disappointing failures, but instead ends in a grateful rest in Jesus and his loving, patient work to purify us. Because forgiveness from Christ is real, we must get to rejoicing. Sometimes this means speaking truth to your accountability partner if they are having a hard time accepting the gospel for a particular sin they have confessed.
3. What would you like prayer for?
Praying together is evidence that the concerns we have aired and the sins we have confessed are not just venting. Listening to a friend is a kindness, and praying afterward clearly demonstrates that it is the Lord who is their help, not us. Romans 15:30 describes the fellowship believers share in prayer as they run to the Lord: “I urge you, brothers, by our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of the Spirit, to join me in my struggle by praying to God for me.”
It’s important that you are listening to what the Lord is teaching you right now, and that someone who cares about you is also listening. Our big brother Jesus brought us into relationship with him and also into the church community, so that we could grow up in him and in the context of being brothers and sisters. Sometimes we live in the shadow of that kind of fellowship, giving chunks of our stories to many different people, forgetting which friend we told what. We lack consistent follow-up or encouragement in the end of all that repetitive talking. Or worse, it is all kept to ourselves completely.
Look around you for one heart friend in the body of Christ. Allow yourself to be known. Long for mutual encouragement in your hearts, both yours and theirs. Let someone see what page you’re on.
